Secrets

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I’ll tell you a closely held secret.

I frighten easily.

Now, I know that may come as a surprise to some of you because I act so confident. And I’m trekking off to Guatemala alone. But those of you who know me well will be saying that’s not a secret, CB.

Yes, sometimes the world scares me. And I worry. I worry I’ll get fat. I worry that I need to clean out my garage. I worry I’ll get in a car accident. (I don’t worry about that really, but I know some of you do!) I worry I can’t support myself in the Bay Area now that Luke’s father is no longer helping with expenses. I worry I may not want to and I’ll disappoint my friends. I worry that I will run out of money. I worry that I will be an old street urchin. Mostly, I worry I will be without love.

Antigua is my new therapist. She is a cure for my worry. She shows me a new way to see the world. “Reframing” they call it.

Here, I am totally taken care of, for very little money.

Here, there are other single mothers who ride motorcylces--without helmets. No one tells them they shouldn’t.

Here, the signs are painted by hand. They aren’t as perfect as computerized ones, but they have a soul.

Here, the bicycles ride up next to the horse carriages and the drivers hold conversations. In Antigua, no one is obsessed with staying safe. They accept death as a part of life. They don’t try to legislate against it.

Here, there are handsome police and huge chains to protect bicycles. And still, some get stolen. It is, after all, Guatemala.

Today, after a breakfast of corn flakes and fruit, I took my bag of laundry to the lavanderia. A boy, Dez, about ten years old, weighed it in on a grocery scale. His big, black dog Rambo, protected him against me.

On the way home for lunch, I pick up my clean, folded laundry and pay Dez 24 Quetzales ($4). I pet the protective Rambo. Dez will be okay.

At the school I am met my welcoming friends. I ramble the streets of Antigua with my camera and mi Maestro taking pictures of incredible spanish buildings and learning new words.

We walked through the square of the church where Carlos, has been shinning shoes since he was five. Carlos, Maestro says, has epilepsy. And he doesn’t have health insurance. No one here does. I am wearing tennis shoes. I take a picture of Carlos holding courtyard pigeons he has tamed. I pay him for it. Carlos will be okay.

Lunch was a wonderful soupa, a salad of freshly roasted peppers, braised chicken in an incredible light, tangy, tomato sauce, rice and melon. The best part was the beautiful broken spanish conversation with Araminta and the other guests. She is a bit shy. I finally convinced her to let me take her picture. I think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

During lunch, a thunderstorm brewed itself up and flashed lightening. Tremendous, rolling thunder clapped and shook our chairs. I did not worry. I am in Antigua. The rain goes away quickly. It will be okay.

Worry is my biggest sin. You may balk at such an old fashion or religious notion as sin. I define it as that which keeps me from feeling the loving, comforting presence of God. And here, I define God as the palpable, creative energy of love.

I love Antigua. She shows me there is nothing to worry about. Here, God’s love is breathable. It fills me. Somehow, no matter what happens, Antigua knows it will be okay.

Tomorrow, I will go to an orphanage where the babies have learned not to eat. Their parents had so little food, they made them afraid of it. I will hold them, and love them, and try to convince them not to worry. If they eat it will be okay.

Antigua has taught me a secret. You cannot love and worry at the same time.

I miss you all.

Cynthia

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Photos

My Laundry
Rambo the protector in the middle. My laundry on the right.

The Laundry
In Antigua, the signs must be in the walls.

Carlos
Carlos holds a pigeon for a Quetzale.

Agua in the morning
It is usually clear in the mornings.

Breaking the rules
The rider is going the wrong way, in front of the policia

Artistic Signs
Signage with a soul.

Double Exercise
If you can carry the chain, you can keep it safe

Happy Children
Playing with bugs is fun

Butcher shop
The meat is not perfect, but it is delicious.

Bikes and Carriages
A bike raced up to a carriage for a driver to driver chat.

The cutest kids
Need I say more

Handsome Police
I had my teacher call them handsome and they smiled nicely.

Single Mothers on Motorcycles
You see the children holding on to the mirrors for dear life, but they are having fun.

Wonderful food
A delicious lunch in a thunderstorm

Araminta
A great hostess and a beautiful woman

Comments

[Luke]

I miss you too.

[Maritza]

Worry no more....
Cynthia, I am really happy for you and how you are choosing to experience life in Antigua. This is much more than learning Spanish, this is an spiritual growth. I love reading your blog; your vivid and descriptive writing takes me there in my mind. You are a brave soul, despite the worries you mentioned, not many people take the chances you are taking now. You are living life with eyes, arms and heart wide open. You go girl !!!

[Cynthia Beck]

Thanks Maritza, It truly is a spiritual journey. I will need lots of help with my spanish when I get home. I would love to have lunch or dinner with you and share my experiences in spanish! Thanks for writing. I do love to hear from home!