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Published: March 31st 2009
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I always knew I was a star. The fact that I can't sing, dance or act was never going to stop me from being an international sensation. And lo and behold, I found the perfect job... being an Extra!
No acting required, just sit and make sure you don't look into the camera. Needless to say I excelled and am now one set closer to having MY picture splashed all over the tabloids.
Back to the beginning then, lest the writers of my future biography (unauthorized of course) get it wrong. The week prior to Mumbai was spent in Goa on a beach called Palolem. We met up with some people we had met earlier in the south, it was great to see them again. After being blindsided by a bill at a bar called Cuba for 200 (!) rupees per shot, we vowed never to return there. Alas, the only other establishment open late at night beside Cuba is Cafe del Mar (CDM as we regulars call it). CDM had a nightly assortment of every kind of person I hate (not to be mentioned lest I offend), lets just say there was an unfortunate combination of pseudo-philosophers with
CST Mumbai
The busiest train station in Asia, over 2 million people per DAY pass through here disgusting hygiene habits mixed with all the bar brawlers (and their equally upstanding female companions) I encountered while in the UK. You know who I'm talking about. BUT they had a dart board which was great. And Bacardi Breezers of the Orange variety. Top class.
Anyway, it was all fun and games for a week. Many card games were played, in particular hearts and shit-head. We discovered that (a) either LN cheats, (b) she can count cards (still cheating), or (c) she has incredible luck and is very good at cards. She won about 70% of the time out of 3 of us. I on the other hand suffered from very bad luck (despite my excellent skills) at shithead and was crowned Loser of Losers in the last game (LoL).
We took an overnight train to Mumbai, which although was supposed to arrive at an unfortunate 4:05am, we were confident that as all Indian trains are at least an hour late, we would arrive around 6. NOT SO. We arrived exactly on time at 4:05. LoL strikes again!
After being shocked by the fact that a hotel was charging 500 rupees for a single room barely large
enough to accommodate a single bed whose floor was covered in dirt (at least sweep people!) we found a good place in Colaba (Apollo Guest House - def recommended). After a little nap, we hit the streets with the intention of becoming a star. Sure enough within 4.35 seconds of walking out of the guest house I heard the magic words.
"Excuse me ladies, would you like to be in a Bollywood -"
"YES!" I yelled perhaps I little too excited.
"Movie? We will pay you 500 for the day, including breakfast and-"
"YES, Yes where do I sign up?"
"Alright then. See you tomorrow at 7am outside McDolands."
And the rest folks, as they say, is history.
The next morning after 2.5 hours on a bus we found ourselves in a deserted water park (with quite a few creepy clown paintings) next to a field with a plane. After breakfast we received our costumes which were all winter clothes. I was clothed in a grey dress skirt, a orange scarf, high heeled brown boots and an ankle length grey wool coat. Let me remind you that it was about 40 degrees. At least I didn't get
a turtle neck and thankfully the airplane was semi-air conditioned.
Once on the plane sensing my innate talent, I was chosen to sit in first class and then walk on with the two main characters (one of which was Manisha Lamba for you Bollywood fans) walk on and STOW my coat in the overhead compartment. Big role, I know. THEN, I got to sit next to the male lead in the scene who it turns out was a fanatic suicide bomber. I may have been the first to theoretically die, but I definitely got some face time, which is all that matters on the road to stardom. I did an excellent job of not looking straight into the camera. I ever had a deep conversation about rebirth with the terrorist. He said if he was reborn an animal he would choose snake, I said shark. He told me that I would just die again as they no longer have a habitat. Thanks. We also had the below conversation:
Noticing the wool turtleneck he is wearing, I say, ever so nonchalantly, "How you doing? Are you really hot in that turtleneck?"
"I'm always hot," he replies looking smug, "inside
and outside the shirt."
Oh lord, I think. "And so modest as well," I say.
"I never had to learn the meaning of that word."
Ahh the hardships of being semi-famous and really into yourself.
After the shot I was offered a leading role in the director's next film. Well, not actually, but I'm sure it will happen soon!
And thus ends my foray into the world of the rich and famous - surpassing only slightly that time I modeled a glow in the dark sleeping bag in the London Drugs flyer.
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Hey.. i guess it's the movie you acted.. check it out when released... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185442/