Have fun reading this...

---

DISCLAIMER: I AM VERY HAPPY HERE AND THE PEOPLE ARE TRULY THE CAT'S PAJAMAS. THIS IS ABOUT ME AND MY SHORTCOMINGS. ALSO, THAT LITTLE BIT AT THE END IS A BIT OVERSTATED, SO DON'T WORRY. THIS IS ME TRYING TO BE HONEST, NOT A CRY FOR HELP. PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME IF I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.

So I spent all of last week in a region called Bicol in the very south of Luzon, the northern most of the main islands. I was there to interview people who were touched massive flooding and landslides that followed a super typhoon that landed there in late November of last year. It's particularly rough because this area is prone to disaster as most typhoons that hit the Philippines hit here and because there is an active albeit breathtaking volcano here. So although they are still picking up the pieces from the last big typhoon, within a couple of years another big one will probably come again and do just as much damage.

Although it was somewhat depressing to see these people's homes and learn about their misfortunes as well as see the intern coordinator Katie leave for Michigan due to a family emergency, some of the stories were fairly encouraging. One lady used the money she earned from raising hogs provided by FH to feed others in her community, which is almost enough to restore one's faith in humanity, even a pessimist like me. I also found encouragement on the Thursday when the other two interns, the FH staff worker in Bicol, and I went to a quaint little resort for some rest.

Despite the beautiful scenery and restful Thursday, I must admit that I am still trying to recover from my time in Bicol, not from illness or exhaustion or anything like that, but from thinking about prayer. Well, more accurately about faith in general, but prayer the thing that kept coming up again and again. It began when Katie left Bicol in a hurry so she could get to Manila and back to the Michigan. When telling us about her emergency, Ate Charity, one of the ladies in charge of disaster relief at FH Philippines, told us to "keep her in our prayers," or at least I think she did. I've been told that a lot- to keep people in my prayers- as a Christian. To be honest, I've never understood fully what that entails. Do I pray especially for them, or just make a mention of them like I do my midterms? And when exactly is the cutoff point? When the situation with which they are struggling resolves itself or do I pray for them forever? And why does something bad have to happen for me to be told to keep someone in their prayers? As you can see, this has long been an issue with me. Usually when I'm told to keep someone in my prayers, I fail. Not intentionally or anything, I just forget or don't know what to pray about, so I fail.

People here don't fail at praying for people, at least from what I can see. They keep extensive prayer lists, as they apparently take the order to keep someone in their prayers far more seriously than I. My host family sent me a text message last week telling me they were praying for me as I was in Bicol. They also have on their prayer list a picture of the Jollibee, a mascot for a Filipino fast food chain (just imagine McDonald's, but with no legal obligation to serve food meeting any standard of quality). It little later in the week, a pastor we talked to asked me to keep him in my prayers and that he'd do the same for me. This struck me as a little peculiar. The cynic in me couldn't help but feel as though what he was saying was "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours." A day or two after that, a pastor asked me, one of two white people in our group to pray over a piece of property that his church hopes to convert into a missions house. Although there are few things in this world that make me more uncomfortable than public prayer, I did. But again, I couldn't help but feel as though he wanted me to pray because I was white, and therefore maybe a bit more lucky.

Now I want to say that I am almost positive that I am making too big a deal of this, but this whole prayer thing has become something I cannot get my mind off. The people here ask me to pray over their meals, for their families, for their churches; they tell me I'm going to be a pastor, they say they can't wait until I come back as a missionary, they ask me if I'd be willing to teach a lesson at Sunday school. In my mind, I'm sure they are just trying to be hospitable, really I am. But at times, I just wish they would realize that I'm not some spiritual role model. I didn't come here because I want to be a missionary or a pastor or a relief worker. I don't know why I did, but I know it isn't that. It's far more likely guilt, or the hope that this one little thing might make me feel a little better ten years from now. They ask me to pray and to teach, but don't even know that I sometimes wonder if I even believe in God.

So that's what I've been dealing with this last week. On the bright side, this sinking "downward to darkness on extended wings" (that's for you Dr. K) has made me feel a lot more creative. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I haven't manufactured this little dilemma in an effort to feed into creativity.

Anywho, on a lighter note, although JJ was eliminated from Pinoy Idol almost as soon as I got here, I've found a new horse to get behind. Warren, make me proud.

Beard Report
I think it's coming together, I really do. Don't get me wrong, it's not as even as I'd like and what's growing on my upper lip could easily be mistaken for the work of a slightly dried out marker, but I think I might be able to do this. Nonetheless, I don't want to look far ahead. As Han Solo warned Luke so I must warn myself: "Don't get cocky kid." Don't worry sir, I won't.

---

Comments

[TKriner]

I knew that poetry would come in handy.
Hey Adam: Good shout out. That's the one people most often remember. I'm sorry to hear the beard is succeeding, have to say. Hard questions. I ask people to pray all the time; maybe indeed out of misplaced valuing of their spiritual life (I just know God can't turn down my mother, right?). Maybe it's the body being the body. Maybe we cant hold enough faith that our own prayers really make it, but we can have enough faith that someone's will? If three of us pray together, it's like the cord won't break?