After Christmas - straight on to Easter

A happy new year to one and all! We also hope that Santa brought you loads of cracking pressies. We've been told that in Holland they have a guy called Evil Pete who works alongside Santa. Everyone that is not on Santa's list gets a visit from Evil Pete and I don't think he makes do with just eating your mince pies and quaffing your scotch. We trust that none of you lovely people ended up cowering behind the sofa over Christmas while Evil Pete set about your house!

We've been taking a well earned break from travelling. It's been amazing just to be in the same place for a fortnight, not constantly packing and repacking your bag, not sleeping on buses or wondering where you are going to be able to spend the night. That in itself was a relief, but added to that was that we had the company of the Burnett clan. George and Daphne spoilt us rotten for two weeks and we had a great time relaxing and going out on the town in Punta del Este. We had a great holiday from what is essentially one long holiday! Thanks a million George and Daphne.

Well, Tom turned 30 on Boxing Day. We won't go into details - this is a family show. Needless to say that the scamp was rather the worse for wear at the end of proceedings (which was at about 12 midday on the 27th). Some people might lay much of the blame at the door of Davey B and we would have to agree with that assessment. Leading an impressionable young lad like poor Tommy astray, I dunno....

We thought that you guys wouldn't want to hear about us sunning ourselves on a beach for the last fortnight. Anyway, we're off to Easter Island tomorrow morning and will have to bid a very fond farewell to South America, so we thought that we would write about some of the sillier things that we've come across during our 3½ months in Bolivia, Chile, Argentina and Uruguay. All of the following deserve an award, be it for awfulness, weirdness, ineptitude or otherwise:

The John Motson Award for the best football commentary
Fox Sports
These boys know how to celebrate a goal. Not just the standard South American scream of "Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool" until they turn blue. These guys often then sing a little song about the goal scorer. And I quote:

"Oh Frankie Lampard, he score a goooooool, oh Frankie Lampard he score a goool for Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea etc..."

This was sung to the tune of AC/DC's "Back in black". The prosecution rests.

The Phil the Greek Award for the most random abuse
Passer by in Iqique, Chile
This guy shouted "Osama Bin Laden" at us, probably assuming that we were American. Maybe he was just impressed by Tom's beard (well ex-beard - yes, the barrage of beard abuse has finally convinced the hirstute one to part with his chin carpet. Heartfelt thanks to our readers for the much needed prod in the right direction).

The Oliver Sachs Award for the strangest hat
Passer by in La Paz, Bolivia
A guy had a whole flank of beef balanced on his head with his forehead nestled into the rib cavity which trailed off down his back like a big meaty french legion kepi. Take two bottles into the shower? No, but I can make soup with the juice that I wring out of my sideburns....

The Award for the most friendly bouncer
Bouncer at Purple, La Barra

Punta del Este
Party town

(near Punta del Este), Uruguay
We're used to being bodily thrown out of drinking establishments back in blighty (for very little reason of course), or at least there being some threat of violence from the muscleheaded morons that man the doors of British pubs. This guy went out onto the street, flagged down a taxi for us, told the driver where we were going and packed us off with a hug and a kiss each (on the cheek - we're not those sort of gals you know). Sir, we salute you.

The Ricky Gervais Award for terrible dancing
Bolivian women
Bear in mind that this dancing was televised. Someone had considered that it merited being broadcast to the masses. We cannot agree. What they were showing was middle aged women shuffling around with their hands on their hips making dramatic turns of, ooooh I don't know, 90 degrees to the left and then to the right (repeat times 50). The effect, such as it was, was completed with a distinct look of trepidation on the faces of the protagonists - like they might manage to get it wrong.

The Peter Kay Award for the best Peter Kay lookalike
Whingy British woman at the bus station at Rio Gallegos, Argentina
Spitting image we swear! Looked and sounded just like the great man in drag. Couldn't take her seriously - just kept visualising her punting a football over a fence and swigging John Smiths.

The Mr Muscle Award for the most putrid toilet
Hostel at Laguna Colorado, Bolivia
The toilets didn't flush and were caked in diarrhoea. Each cubicle was entered through a heavily soiled curtain and swimming in god knows what. Used toilet paper was piled up in the corner of each cubicle. It looked and smelt like a cowshed.

The Charles Manson Award for the Hotel most at risk of killing its clients
Hostel at Laguna Colorado, Bolivia
It's minus twelve overnight. There's no heating whatsoever and big holes in the window frame. It's only a matter of time before a dorm ends up looking like a pack of popsicles (that's if they haven't already contracted something vile and died by having had the misfortune of visiting the toilets).

The Kurt Cobain Memorial Award for the place most likely to make you want to take your own life
Puerto Eden, Chile
We're sure that it is very nice in the sunshine, but in the drizzle (and lets face it Patagonia gets its fair share of that) it's worse than a wet weekend in Wembley. Only Wembley isn't 2 days from the nearest civilisation. If only it were (footie stadium excepted of course).

The Award for the most likely place in which someone else will end your life for you
Santa Cruz, Bolivia
A well known hive of drug dealers, petty criminals (not pretty as previously stated (cheers Charlie!) - though some of them may have cut a dash in the right light) and assorted shady characters. When you walk the streets you feel a bit like a plump goldfish in a piraña tank that has inadvisably gone out for the evening wearing a bacon jump suit.

The Award for the most sociable toilets
Restaurant opposite the Navimag ferry terminal in Puerto Montt, Chile
Now we all know that ladies have a propensity to go to the toilet together - but not like this! This is one big room with two toilets in it - undivided by any partition. It's the same in the mens. Like you might want to sit down and have a yarn face to face whilst dropping the kids off at the pool!

The New Start Award for most effort in job creation
Bolivian Pharmacies and Department Stores
You ask an assistant for something - someone else will then go and get it - you then take a chit to the cashier before yet another person finally gives you your desired goods some half an hour later. There hasn't been such wasteful service since Snooze's last game of table tennis.

Anyhoos - hope you enjoyed just a taste of the mania that we've encountered. We've had an amazing time here and will be very sad to leave South America tomorrow. Ah well, it's not all bad - after a week on Easter Island we've got another 6 weeks on assorted Pacific islands. Unfortunately, that means that it's going to be more tricky to get an internet connection for the next few months. We'll do our best.

Wishing you all a great 2006. Adios for now

T&S

p.s. Photos now added for your further enjoyment!

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