Coming home!

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I’m coming home early. I know some of you will look at this as a failure and that´s ok. I’m writing this mostly for myself to my travelblog, to remember that I’m the one who made that decision for myself. And the reasons why I did.
I’m not coming home out of misery or because I can’t do this. Actually, I’m doing really good, better than I have in a long time. I suffered a lot for two weeks but I persevered and I’m really OK. I’m coming home because I got what I came for and I gave what I could give to those kids. Of course, part of me feels like I could have done more and longer. But that’s just who I am. In my head, I’ll never be enough, never good enough.
I came here with a lot of arrogance. I was gonna make a difference which for me meant change something. I was gonna get some kids off the street and they were gonna be fine. Well, they are probably not gonna be. But everyday, I made at least ten kids smile just because I smiled at them. I confused change and help. I helped, that’s for sure. Did I change something, I’ll probably never know. But I’ll dream that maybe when things get tough for Alex, he’ll remember that some day when he was 7, some gringa told him that he could be a doctor. I came here with many expectations and a lot of them were not fulfilled. I’m not disappointed, I have no regrets. I’m proud of myself and really thankful for the whole experience. I was planning on travelling for a month and it just doesn’t feel right. I’ll be back though because this country is really beautiful.
I learned a lot about myself which was the other reason for me to be here. The main thing is that I learned to accept myself, and maybe even accept life for what it is. I learned that life couldn’t be fun all the time. I thought being here would be fun. I would meet great people, go out, travel, etc. Well, it was not fun. Very little was. It’s not fun to be surrounded by misery and poverty and feeling so powerless. But I learned the meaning of reward and pride. Reward, when a kid runs to you in the morning to hug you and is obviously happy just because you showed up and gave him a little bit of love. And pride, because it took a lot for me to bring myself here and stick with it through the tough times.
Like I said I learned to accept myself with all my qualities and my many shortcomings. I realized how hard I have been fighting myself over things that are really OK. So what, I love hard. Why can’t I just be called a romantic and not a co-dependent. So what, I experience emotions more intensely than most people. Why can’t I be called an emotional person and not emotionally immature. So what, I keep dreaming of a better world. Why can’t I be called a dreamer and not a martyr. I am all those things and I’m proud of it. I function better in group than by myself. Many corporations wont hire you if you don’t. I care sometimes more about others than for myself. Well, if more people were like me, we would live in a much better world. I could go on but the point is that I’m done fighting myself. And I know I can transform some things more effectively by first accepting and embracing them.
As far as the world and life itself, again I’m just gonna have to go along with some of it. I’m not gonna change anything by fighting and resisting life. Maybe the worst thing I can do for this world is to not use my potential in whatever capacity. Refusing to watch the news is not gonna make the nastiness of this world go away. Not working because I refuse to be part of the corporate world whose practices I hate is not gonna serve anybody.
I met a lot of great “kids” here. Most volunteers were at least ten years younger than me. Most of the time, they showed a lot of maturity and are doing things that I couldn’t have done at that age. But at the same time, I realized that I’m not one of them anymore. It’s time for me to act my age even though I still look very young (you’d all better agree on that one) and I’ll always be a kid at heart.
So while you are not not gonna recognize me because of my transformation, I have grown up. I have come to terms with a lot of my demons. They are going to fight back many times but I will stand stronger and smarter. Like I said, I got what I came for. And I’m ready to move on and build the next chapter of my life.
And those smiles are engraved in my heart and soul forever.
I will work at my project until the end of the month and will be home on Dec 2nd.
Looking forward to seeing you all.

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