maybe things are clearer up there

---

buenos tardes,
it's day five here in ecuador, and the sky is super clear and blue. you can see the mountain in such detail from our balcony, even the tiny little houses perched almost diagonally on it's slope.
i got my laptop hooked up by a random routing system, so i am sitting on the couch in the common room catching up on.. life, i guess.
i had my spanish class today.. as of now, i can count to a million, ask who, what, where, when, and why, tell you what time it is, name a whole bunch of animals, and conjugate regular verbs in the present tense. this is all if i peek at my sheets, but i still think it's pretty impressive. i can almost speak in full sentences. yo soy muy chevere. (that means i am really cool.. duh.)
i know my last blog was probably not the awe-filled, excited, passionate entry that many of you may have expected of me. things are different here than i expected, and although nothing struck me as particularly disappointing, i was not prepared at all for some of it.
as i mentioned before, the house is giant, and quite beautiful, if a little friyo (cold) a la noche. there's internet, and a balcony that is really nice when the sun's out, and a little roof to sit out on and tan, and a t.v. with a whole shitload of bootlegged dvds that cost a dollar each at the store down the street. there's not enough warm water or blankets, or vegetables, come to think of it, but there is lots of exotic fruit (passion fruit juice, anyone?), and our cook, isabelle, is super sweet.
there aren't a lot of us in the house.. natalie, raquel, and linda are all living here during their placements, which they just started today because the past two days have been a holiday (carnaval, which basically means go to the beach and/or spray foam at foreigners). raquel just finished uni, and natalie is midway through second year. linda is much older, and a little (okay, very) kooky. i feel a bit bad for her because the rest of us are all young, and it seems to be a bit of a party atmosphere, and i can tell she probably feels a little uncomfortable. plus everyone kind of teases her (not to her face) about being a little strange. personally, i'm curious to hear what her story is, and i think she is by far the most outgoing and independent of all of us.. she takes off on her own a lot. if there is anyone i want to be like in this house, it's probably her, even though it's really hard to hold a conversation with her because.. well.. she's out there.
as for us newbies.. there's laura, sarah, ian, and i. ian is leaving at the end of this week to go to his placement, but laura and sarah are staying through the month (although laura wants to leave for her placement early). i'm sharing a room with the two of them, and they're both nice girls, but they've got class together and they've sort of bonded into this weird, girly, slightly obnoxious pair. so on top of feeling the regular loneliness of being across the world from everyone i love, i have the added feeling of 'wow, i really don't belong here'. they want to organize all these events (scavenger hunt tomorrow? i want to vomit, but whatever) and they're very, very bossy together. i'm sort of learning to quietly slip out whenever i feel like it, but it's not the most comfortable situation. they keep complaining about being bored in the house, and it's true that we do have a fair amount of spare time, but i like it.. in fact, i prefer it to the constant planning, let's-bond-over-beer/poker/scavenger hunts/whatever stuff that they have been coming up with. i do try to be social, and it's usually fun, but i can feel that perhaps i am the odd person out here.
there has still been a lot of crying, particularly last night. it occurred to me that perhaps this was simply too much to pack into one year, that i was actually starting to be happy where i was (in ottawa? ewww) and with who i was, and to throw myself into the tumultuous chaos of solo travel in a country where i don't speak the language and feel four years old most of the time wasn't the most emotionally beneficial decision for myself at this time. it felt a little late to be realizing this, but it was also a relief to admit that i'm not a hundred percent sure what the hell i'm doing here, or even if i should be here. in fact, sometimes i'm not even fifty percent sure. and sometimes it's harder being around all these other people who seem to have no fear and want me to ride a bike (I DON'T RIDE BIKES!) and think it's weird when i just sit and watch the world go by and read a book. like really, it took me a long time to get this way, and i like being this way. i'm not sure why it's so confusing. perhaps for the same reason i am confused by other, blonder people, who have stacked every gossip girl book in their closet and only brought tank tops and shorts to quito.
yeeeaaah.
despite all this, there have been some highs in the past few days. mainly yesterday afternoon, when ian and i went up the telefonico (gondola thingamajigger) to volcan pichincha (giant mountain, kind of looks like new zealand/where frodo took his ring, etc.). it's really, really, REALLY high up in the air, and the ride up is in a closed little gondola and quite cool. once you get up there there's a really touristy little building with a lookout and a cafe, but if you walk up higher you can climb the hills/mountain a good ways up. ian and i walked pretty far (hopefully you'll be able to tell from my pictures, when i get them up), but it took us a long, long time. every two seconds i would be out of breath and my heart would be pounding like i was a fifty-year old man with high blood pressure. gotta' love the altitude. still, it was truly one of the most breathtaking scenes ever. i just wanted to stay there. the mountains were so untouched, and i felt like i was really close to a very real-maybe one of the only real-part of this world. it made me feel like i belonged somewhere, which was a funny feeling to have alone on a mountain after feeling so lonely in a house full of people who are supposed to be just like me. but that feeling was such a relief, and i am savouring it, and hoping hoping hoping i will find it again soon.
i guess the best i can do right now is just try. i have been so insistent on finding myself, that finding mememe is the most important thing, my key to happiness, and here i am all alone and i am too scared to rely on myself. i want to ask carlos to take me around the city or hide behind the other girls like a little kid under her mom's skirt. i feel so young, and naive, and i wonder where the cynical, snarky girl-woman i have been cultivating so carefully inside myself has gone. maybe she has gone for good, or at least faded to let the awe and wonder shine through a little more.
but i'm still making fun of the blonde, so don't get your hopes too high.

thanks for reading, guys. it's good to put all this out there, and even better to feel like it is being received and thought about somewhere else.

love, sunshine, and volcanos,
-a.

---

Comments

[priya]

is okay :)
hey hun, honestly its okay! A different country with a completely different life style and language is so hard but just look at the fact that you tried! and that ya it didn't work out but you tried, how many other people are that brave. that alone, means that your a strong and ' snarky cynical girl-woman' so you did something great. And whatever this place didn't work out, there are plenty of other places and they will be there forever, whenever you want to/need to go! i want to see you before I leave!! come home soon! xox