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Published: March 17th 2006
As I alluded to a few days ago, one of the primary ways I have spent my time thus far in Antofagasta has been discovering accidental ways to kill yourself. Here are a few of the highlights, in case anyone decides to come visit me:
a) trying to take a shower. You cant just turn on the hot water and expect hot water to come out. First, you have to go outside to the porch and turn a little handle either vertically or horizontally (I can never remember so I just put my head really close to the spout until I hear the faint wizzzz of gas coming out - probably yet another way to accidentally die . . .) Then, you light a match and throw the box on the floor cause you have like 3 seconds to do the next step, which is to turn a little knob and push hard while sticking the match inside a tiny hole to ignite the gas while praying that you have not let enough gas escape to light your hand, head or hair on fire. Then you wait 15 seconds, the flame probably goes out for unknown reasons, and you start all over again. (There is something youre waiting for to happen in those 15 seconds but what it is havent figured out yet.) I average about 3x until it takes. The good thing is I can cuss my head off the whole time because none of my housemates speak english.
b) riding the bus. or should I say acting on the mistaken belief that a city bus = tour bus. I took a bus to get downtown and when I wanted to return I thought, eh, ill just get on the same # bus and it will be like a tour of the city for only 60 cents and eventually end up where i started! or not. Turns out the route is HUGE and not the continual loop that i had envisioned. We start out going away from where I want, aka going north, towards the not so nice parts of town. and we dont stop and we dont stop and we just kkkkeeeeeep on going. an hour goes by, we have gone so far away and its starting to get dark. im like ok, well eventually we have to turn around. finally im the only one left on the bus; everyone else has been dropped off, which worries me. Then we pull into a fenced in bus like parking lot with a bunch of abandoned bus #103 (which i was on) im like pooooooop where am I? at this point im so far away and the driver is stretching and getting out of the bus, not really giving me much hope that this is all a joke and hes going to turn around and drive me back. When I ask, hes like nope, this is the end of the route, im done. . . so i start panicking. I look around and it appears abandoned. Theres a little lunchenette and I go in and there are two other guys with bus driver clothes on eating and then two old ladies behind the counter. Im pretty pissed at all things bus related now so I go up to the ladies and they were like yeah, just get on a bus leaving this yard and you will go south. they leave often they say. I wander out into the bus yard where its now late afternoon. There are blown out tires, broken buses and stray dogs everywhere trying to rape eachother. Finally a dude comes out and hops on a bus and im like ahhh and run after him while Im sure hes thinking "why are you in the bus yard this isnt even a stop, crazy". We pick up some more people, head east, and drop them off and start going back north. Immediately i am panicking thinking were going back to the bus yard of broken dreams, so I think
this time im not going to take these detours sitting down! and jump up and scream ahhhh!! were going south right?? and hes like yeah, claro, and we take a sharp turn and start heading back south. so i breathed a sigh of relief. and got home like 80 min later.
c) cooking anything on the stove. pretty much see above
taking a shower, except that this one is even worse because the gas comes out of all sides of this thing, which translates into a 360 degree chance of burning yourself. so clearly gas powered heating devices are not my thing. who knew . . .
d) plugging or unplugging anything from any socket anywhere using a converter. you never know when you will get shocked. my bet is every single time . . .
e) okay, this last ones a stretch, but at times I feel like I could get eaten alive by ants. there are so many ants in my house. in my bed. in my closet. curiously enough, everywhere but where I keep my food. the land lady bought some MATA HORMIGAS (literally: kill ants) so I occasinally bust into the kitchen in a fit to get it, declaring only MATA HORMIGAS!! and then storm out, which my roomates think is hysterical.
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Adrienne Porter
non-member comment
i feel ya on the gas thing
Hey friend... you are cracking me up as i sit, just like you, in my office in temuco. I had the exact same experience this morning in fact as i attempted to light the gas. I said some choice words and said fuck it, i´ll wash my face with freezing cold water. AND I DID. P.Ssss- leave the gas horizontal when you´re not using it. This will be one step closer to life for you.