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Published: August 8th 2006
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Pato
My ultra-talented Spanish teacher who has worked hard to compensate for my ineptitude Prior to moving to Argentina I had spent roughly 45minutes studying the Spanish language. I spent half an hour learning different words from Abbey on the car trip back from San Diego and fifteen minutes learning how to say “Who do you think you are talking to!” at the school I worked at in San Diego. This last phrase often came in handy when I would get one of the Spanish speaking students at school in trouble and they would respond by saying something snotty in Spanish which they knew I didn’t understand. I would just throw my patented phrase out there in order to keep them guessing. Unfortuantly though “who do you think you are talking to” is not a phrase which can be used when you are asking for directions, ordering a hamburger, or asking for extra butter. While my Spanish has come a long way in the last seven months I am afraid that I am still a long way from being a competent Spanish speaker, let alone fluent. As an example of just how far I still have to go I was trying to ask for baking soda the other day and the best that I could muster is “it is for the teeth and it looks like cocaine, but it is not cocaine.” While it is a difficult task to remain this pathetic at spanish despite living here for so long, there are some specific ways that, with the proper comittment, you too can live in a Spanish speaking country for seven monthes and still be unable to say anything in the past or future tense.
Step 1: Suck at languages from the beginning
I took two years of Italian in college and I remember only one word of the language, “Prego” and the only reason that I remember this word is that it was on the cover of my book both years. I also took one year of German but all I know how to say is “please close the door." I learned this phrase on the first day of class and then preceded to block out everything else. It’s not that I didn’t study hard for these courses or even get decent grades, it’s just that I think my brain decided to force these languages from my mind and replace them with more important information such as the scripts of “Raising Arizona” and the “Blues Brother,” which I can recite in their entirety
Step 2: Excel at Charades
You know how they say that body language accounts for 45 percent of a conversation, well when I first got here I think it consisted of 98 percent of my conversations. One of the ways that I managed to avoid speaking Spanish was by relying heavily on my highly advanced charade skills. I started out small, using body language to indicate, “I need to buy an iron,” “would you like my seat” or “I would like to rent a copy of Batman, is that available.” Over time though my skills have progressed rapidly and I am convinced that by the time I leave I will be able to say “I find Israel’s foreign policy heavy handed and ill advised” solely through pantomime.
Step 3: Visual Aids
When pantomime doesn’t work visual aids can be helpful way of avoiding Spanish. A good pad of paper and a pencil can get you a long way or pictures can also work well. The first time I got my haircut I showed them pictures of myself with short hair and said, “I want to look like this.” I have since gone back to this barber multiple times and never strayed from my original haircut.
Step 4: Stick to your guns
I am a fiercely loyal customer to two restaurants in the downtown area. I go there every day and I order the exact same thing. In one restaurant I ask for the spaghetti with meat and a coke, and in the other I ask for salami and cheese and a coke. Sometimes I spice it up with a sprite zero or a chorizo but that is as far as I have strayed from my initial order. This makes it possible for me to say only three or four words over a two-hour period. The worst part is that I have become pretty good friends with some of the waiters and waitresses in these restaurant but all I can ever think to ask them is “how was your weekend” or “what are you going to do this weekend.” To which they reply either “I am going dancing” or “I went dancing.”
Step 5: Have wonderful English speaking friends
One of the simplest ways to avoid speaking Spanish is by becoming friends with native English speakers who you enjoy talking with. While we all have a strong desire to learn Spanish, it would just be a little weird speaking Spanish with each other. What’s more all of our Argentine friends are students or Spanish teachers who are eager to practice their English. So I try to compensate for my lack of Argentinean friends by building close personal bonds with both cab drivers and the people next to me on the subway. This doesn’t necessarily work though as we inevitably end up talking about one of two things: a) whether I like it here, or b) my ability to speak Spanish. Conversations a consists of me say “the people are wonderful but your government is crazy. Conversation b consists of me “my Spanish is horrible” to which they inevitably reply, “Oh it’s not that bad.” I have had these conversations roughly 275 times apiece. I think that in order to break out of this rut I should start conversations by asking people things like “so what is your opinion of Vladimir Putin?” or “would you rather have four nipples or one big nipple?”
Step 6: Take Spanish courses from someone with similar interests
I have a wonderful Spanish teacher named Pato who Abbey and I have become good friends with. Pato and I have classes three times a week and we work hard to stay on task during classes but we inevitably digress and start talking about politics, music, the world cup or her dog Lunes. Subjects which we both have strong opinions about. When we begin these conversations I try to limit myself to Spanish but it is physically impossible for me to limit my comments on President Bush to “I disagree with his ideas” and I inevitably start talking in English about how he has selected former energy lobbyists to lead the EPA or other things that I feel that I must convey to Pato in English so that she can fully grasp the depth of my frustrations. Pato responds by discussing her disgust for the way her government handled the last economic crisis. A topic which she cannot speak about in the kindergarten like terms which I would understand. It is a vicious cycle that we have trapped ourselves into to.
While I am proud to say that I should be starting the past tense in my next class with Pato, it is worth noting that I decided to write this blog rather than actually do my homework. Pathetic huh.
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LizzZ
lizzz honey
oh, this blog reminded me that i need to do my spanish homework too! today i had a student who was doing a writting assignment so while he was doing that i did my spanish homework. ha ha!