Published: March 28th 2006March 28th 2006
No pretty pictures for this entry because I can't rip out my heart...its already gone. I can't show you how I am feeling I dont even know if I can write about it....but write I must. For the tears I am about to bring I am sorry. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. Im sorry Jenga, Im sorry Mariah. Fuck, Im sorry. Know that our tears are falling together.
For everyone else: I am sorry I haven't filled you in on the events in which I am apologizing for. I will attempt to now.
This weekend in Seattle at a party, parties that my girls go to, filled with the friends of my girls, a boy went on a shooting spree. He killed 7 people. One of them was someone Jenga loved dearly and someone Mariah knew. Someone I had heard a lot about and someone from Mount Vernon. I dont know if Jenga was there, at least at some point. These were her friends...her circle.... I can't even begin to imagine what she is feeling right now. It's not only her friend but her whole sense of reality, security. Her whole life.
I am sitting here not knowing how to cope with this. Not knowing what to do. My heart is crushed because the hearts of my hearts are crushed. I feel like I prepared myself mentally for a lot of things when taking off on this journey but nothing, nothing, nothing was prepared for being there for the people who need you when you are thousands and thousand of miles away. I can't touch these people....I can't tell these people its safe to scream. I cant sit there giving them my support while they feel pain that rips at every fiber in their bodies. I can't be there to pick up their load....which is something that both of these girls need to desperatly. If you know Jenga and Mariah you know that they don't ask for much.....rather keeping it hidden.
Please think of my girls as you read this.
Think of the colors orange, red and sparkle (because sparkle is my Jenga's favorite color) Please think about Jenga's lust for life. Her hair in a wild tangle laughing out loud.....her loud footsteps.....her crazy laugh.......her love for cheese pizza and soup. Think about how much of a good listener Jenga is, how good at saying the right thing she is. Think about how nice it is to have her crawl into your bed on a Saturday morning and giggle with you until you are ready to go out to breakfast. Think about knowing where Jenga is in the house because you can hear her seagull impression....."mehr". Think about Jenga's beautiful words and the painfuly beautiful things she can write. If you can't think of these things about Jenga because you don't know her think about these things and know that this is why I love her.
Think about the colors blue, green, moss and leaves. Think about Mariah's ability to find an impossibly ugly situation or place and find some way to make it beautiful.....and not only beautiful but fantastically so. Think about Mariah not expecting or asking for anything else from you. She sees who you are, she knows who you are, she loves who you are...pure and simple. Think about her crazy antics, her mischieviousness (sp). Her devilish, sneaky little way.....Mariah is a little rat.......she can squeeze through anything. Think of Mariah's thoughtfulness, her generosity. Think of Mariahs dancing, her singing, and her laughter. Her willingness in letting me drag her along....whatever it may be. If you can't think of things about Mariah because you don't know her think about these things and know that this is why I love her.