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Published: February 20th 2007
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Per the recommendation of a co-worker, Gene and I spent the first half of our day today on a Darte River Safari, composed of an hour jet boat ride to the base of snow-capped mountains and a 4-hour return canoe ride.
Eager to get a move on, Gene and I hurriedly dressed into the wet suits provided us. Getting into the bodysuit was an affair in and of itself, which required multiple squats - a tactic often used by women to get into their nylons - and a lot of tugging. Wet suits were provided according to each person’s height, not weight. Given my height of 5’3”, I was basically squeezing into a kid’s bodysuit and came walking out of the dressing room disguised as Gumby. Gene, on the other hand, at 6’2”, was basically given a fat suit in comparison to his weight. I cackled as I caught a glimpse of his rear end, which was sagging as though he had shit his pants. I complained because my suit wasn’t equipped with butt padding as was Gene’s. His explanation - “You already have enough padding.” What a comedian.
Before taking off, our guide demonstrated various hand signals and
informed us of their different meanings. “If you see me do this,” drawing a circle with his index finger in the air above his head, “that means you should firmly fixate your bodies into your seats by pushing back with both your hands and feet. If you hear any scratching on the bottom of the boat, that’s okay. Those are just rocks and the jet boat needs only 4 inches of water to maneuver.” Little did we know, our driver would draw several circles in the air over his head during our trip, each time causing the boat to do a 360°. Gene was in all his glory as the guide cut corners like he was driving an M3 on water. Gene asked, “You think I could make a living driving one of these things?”
Dear Lord. As we pulled up onto the shore and made our way out of the boat, I came to a rude awakening.
I have to pee. Not wanting to voice the thought out of fear that my body would respond, I kept the urge to myself. I watched as a little boy ran off behind a tree and wished that I had been
born with
one of those. Life would be so much easier. However, I soon realized that I would be
one with nature for at least the next 5 hours. “Gene, I have to go to the bathroom.”
“So do I. If you want, I’ll walk with you over to one of those trees.”
Dear God! And to think that I used to run the water every time I used the washroom when we first started dating. “Okay.”
As Gene and I trudged through the high grass, gnats clung to our wetsuits. Gene went first. He flipped down the top of his wetsuit and was done with his duties within less than a minute. As for me, I felt like I was a child again, wearing “feet-y pajamas.” At least then I had a zipper that extended from my neck down my left leg. Where was my trap door?
This sucks. I didn’t even have the toilet paper dispenser in the stall to balance myself. I looked at Gene in despair.
“Give me your hands.”
If I had any pride at all, it was left behind that tree.
Even more hilarious was the fact
that we had to inflate our own canoe. At least a good hour was wasted as everyone manually pumped air into their canoes. As you could imagine, Gene was less than happy for what we paid for the activity.
Great. Now I’m going to be stuck in the canoe with Grumpy. Practicing rowing in the still waters was a cinch. It was not until we hit the rapid waters of the river that our canoe was sent spinning.
“Forward paddle, on the left! Forward paddle!” yelled the guide.
Gene griped, “That guy has the wrong idea of what it means to paddle forward.”
I was following the guide’s instructions of “paddle forward.” Gene was paddling in the opposite motion. “Gina, paddle forward!!”
“I am paddling forward!”
Gene was pissed that I seemed to be mucking it all up. Then, he was again corrected by the guide. We soon got the hang of it and became the teacher’s pets. “Thatta girl!” Sweating my ass off under the warmth of the sun, I felt accomplished.
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Gene
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Photos
Great photos......Are there any that don't have one of you not smiling? here I sit at work at my mundane job wanting to be there with you two. Thanks for sharing your adventures with the rest of the boring world.