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Published: November 28th 2006
1st november 2006
I finished last time by telling you I was off to throw myself out of an aeroplane and purely due to the fact that I am still here to tell you about the experience, I'm going to, so there!
It was terrifying for all of about a second and a half. After that, it was simply the biggest rush of my cherished and charmed existence. However, the whole event started frustratingly. I booked for a midday pick up but, this got post-poned until four because of cloud covering the drop zone. With the Cumulus clearing during the afternoon I was hopeful of a tea time vertical traverse through the atmosphere but, despite seeing several others leave for the airfield, I got a call to say "Not today." The cloudy morning had caused such a back log that my drop slot had had to be moved to two p.m the following afternoon. Sitting, twiddling my thumbs (as I had seemingly been doing all day) and with enough adrenalin pumpimg through my veins to fuel a prize fighter for fifteen rounds, I racked my frustrated frontal lobe for something to do. Full of caveman chemicals, I did what any nervous neanderthal would do- I went to the pub!
Morning arrived with the usual one too many the night before feeling but, by two o'clock my drink enduced, fuzzy head was as clear as the azure skies above Lake Taupo......... Nearly. The limosine collected me to take me to the airstrip (one of the perks of booking with my particular company) but, I was less than impressed with my first ever ride in truncated transport. The interior, though spacious, was a tad tatty, the smoked black, tinted windows wound down efficiently with an electronic whine but refused point blank to return to the closed position thereafter and the chaffeur was from Scunthorpe. Not exactly exotic, eh?
Still, we arrived in one piece which, as far as I was concerned, was a good start to such a death-defying day. Then, as if I hadn't had enough time to think about free-falling from fifteen thousand feet, I was kept waiting for another two hours. During this time I chewed all eight fingernails (and those of both thumbs) down to the quick (and was seriously contemplating having a go at my toes too), I must have smoked around ten cigarettes (about nine times the normal amount for this sort of timescale) and, I drunk approximately half a dozen cups of coffee. Strangely enough, this did nothing to dampen my adrenalin enhanced anxiety as the caffiene just made me even more accutely aware of it. And, the abnormal intake of this volume of liquid brought a bloatiness to my bladder that, of course, only became apparent just after I had donned my jump suit, making the bathrooms out of bounds. Not the best of timing on my internal organs part. No matter. I had other things on my mid which, by this time, was crammed full of energetic endorphins performing perpetual cartwheels along nueral pathways that were as taught as tightropes.
My mental state, or rather the lack thereof, comes across all too well in the DVD of the days events. This was a must have option and is full of stunning scenery clips, gives a great impression of what a drop is actually like and, is pure energy and excitement downloaded on to a disc. Unfortunately for me, it is also a great example of how to come across as an inane, air-headed ass. You'd think that when someone like me (who obviously possesses an immense IQ, supreme confidence and a powerful command of the English language) is put in front of a camera and given the chance to act bravely or, at least, say something intelligent, witty or profound, they'd take the chance wouldn't you? Well, the answer to that one is a resounding "No." In addition, it is clear that, in situations such as these, my grey matter will allow me to do none of these things. Instead, it would rather have me mince around striking camp, cliched poses and have me mutter and mumble my way through meaningless chats before topping it all by have me chuckle every other second like an overly jovial, one brain-celled troll. Yes, those of you that will get to see the DVD are going to love it. However, be warned that I will be charging at least two pounds-fifty (per person, per screening, that is) to view my lack of valour. This will help me to re-couperate some of the cash I shelled out with YOUR entertainment and enjoyment in mind.
Honestly, the expression on my face during the one minute of freefall is priceless. However, before this super-quick sixty seconds could take place I had to endure a nerve-racking ride up to the alloted altitude. There were eight jumpers and their strap-on instructors aboard. We would be dropping (excuse the pun) four off at twelve thousand feet and then I would be the first to go at fifteen. I gazed vacantly wth an open mouth as the first three disappeared from the doorway, my anxiousness to get it over and done with increasing at every exit made. Then, just to prolong the agony for another five minutes, the aeronaught ahead of me refused to vacate the premises. Watching the poor girl claw like a cat for anything that would serve as a hand hold as her instructor shuffled her towards the door, and then hearing her scream "No, no, I can't do it!" didn't do a lot for my confidence, I can tell you. Neither did seeing her terrified and ultimately dejected expression as we swapped places during the climb up to my exit height. I felt for her- she slapped my face and called me a pervert- no, I really did feel for her but, I felt for me more.
And what exactly was I feeling at this point as the opaque, plastic roller shutter door wound up out of the way, exposing me to a freezing wind and a bright, beautiful world below (Over two and a half miles below if my calculations and conversions are correct)? Well, the overwhelming sensation could be expressed verbally thus; "Oh crap. oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!!" I gues you could say I was crapping myself. That was most certainly what my bowels felt like doing at that moment, perched precariously at the lip of the launch area, legs dangling in cold thin air and my whole body being buffeted by it similtaneously. Thankfully, the afore-mentioned anxiety tensioned every muscle accutely and this prevented any unwitting unpleasantness in the pants department. I was even more grateful for this sinewy state of affairs as I left the aircraft- If you take the momentary nauciousness experienced when going over a hump backed bridge or riding a rollercoaster, when your stomach feels like it has lept up in to your throat, and multiply it by a hundred then, your probably getting close to what that intinial drop from the 'plane feels like- Intestinal fortitude is most definately required.
I don't care who you are, if you manage to keep your kecks clean and refrain from throwing up on your way down, you've done well because those first few moments are murderous. Fear grips your soul, tears it out of your body and places it in a nice comfy chair next to your stomach back up on the aircraft, of which you get very brief peek at with your peripheral vision as it seemingly races up and away from you at a very alarming velocity. Sheer shock ripples through your senses and it doesn't help that you weren't told about a couple of pretty important things; a) It would be painful- your ears don't just pop, they bang and the pressure on your drums feels like you're about to suffer a cranial implosion at any given second. And b) You won't be able to breath. Now, forgive me for sounding smug here but, I'm almost positive that your average human being needs three basic things to survive- food, water and oxygen. One can go for days without solid sustinence and without water for a fair few hours but, and please do correct me if I am wrong here, if you abstain from taking in air for even a very short period of time, there can be some fairly unpleasant side affects such as, oh I don't know, say...DEATH. To omit this information from the pre-plummit briefing seemed rather irresponsible to me but, perhaps this is done on purpose to enhance the fear factor (or, as it more commonly known in layman's terms, "The oh f**k, I'm gonna die factor").
After all, this is what everybody must be thinking during that first second of tandem free-fall. Pure fear. And then the fear falls away. After hours of anticipation and anxiety and many moments of heart-stopping, pre-jump horror, it all gives way to wonderment. Falling, face first through the atmosphere at over a hundred kilometers an hour, the cobalt blue waters of the massive Lake Taupo reflected sunlight up at me and it looked no more than a puddle on a patchwork quilt of green fileds from this height. A height which rapidly reduces. The curvature of The Earth, clearly seen at the start of the skydive, returns quickly to it's apparent horizontal horizon. Features on our planet's surface which were at first so far below and indefinable are now increasing in clarity at an alarming rate- nearly as fast as the one my heart beats out, thudding away at the inside of my ribs as we rocket toward the ground. There is no floating sensation, no matter how much it looks like there should be when you watch footage of this sort of thing. You know full well that you are falling and falling fast. Ten thousand feet in sixty seconds (I'm sure it wasn't supposed to be that quick- time to lose some weight, me thinks)!
Drop done and the parachute canopy unfolds ever-so gracefully above us, ensuring a safe return to Terra-Firma at a reasonable rate of knots (plus the added attraction of being able to inhale some oxygen). After a short ride back to my digs in the lacklustre limosine, I tried to arrest the adrenalin still coursing through me by going out for a celebratory dinner and drink. But, alas, the rush would not subside until halfway through the next day (and neither did the buzzing in my ears). While out I was constantly asked the same question my instructor put to me the minute we touched down; "Would you do it again?" To which there could only ever be one answer; "Damn straight I would, it goes too quick!"
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Andrew Freeman
non-member comment
Best one liner
Of all the bad, corny, and occasionally terrible one liners that you enthusiastically throw out there, this one was the very best. "I felt for her, then she slapped me and called me a pervert" Rodney Dangerfield is smiling, well done