Giant Crabs Chomping at our Toes

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Today we’ve signed up for a land-based tour of the island with the apparently iconic local company Franckyfranck Tours. Issy and I did this same excursion back in 2014 with the man Franckyfranck himself. She’s decided to pass on a repeat so Scott and I set of on our own. It seems that Franckyfranck isn’t going to guide us today but rather his offsider Tammo. Tammo tells us that he’s originally from Germany, but first came to the Marquesas 25 years ago, so for all intents and purposes he’s a local. When we were here in 2014 Franckyfranck lived on his yacht, which we were given to understand was just an interim measure. Well it’s either been a very long interim or housing here’s a bit hard to come by … it seems he still lives on the yacht. Tammo speaks about five languages (he calls himself the Netflix Man - if you can’t understand him just switch languages), which is probably just as well ‘cos the only other people on the tour are a French couple who speak about as much English as we do French.

First stop is by the shores of Cooks Bay. We’re told that Moorea is a relatively young volcanic island - Cooks Bay was the crater, and the precipitously steep peaks all around it and through to the far shores of Opunohu Bay were the rim of the caldera. Moorea’s now been declared extinct (that’s a relief), but we’re told that the submarine volcano of Teahitia, which is only 40 or so kilometres north-east of here, is still very much bubbling away, with its last major eruption being as recently as 1985.

We head off inland from the mouth of Cooks Bay and stop to view the apparently famous hole through the rock right up near the peak of one of the more precipitous and spectacular crags, Mount Mou’aputa. We’re told that this name is slightly unfortunate if you happen to be Spanish, as the last bit translates to “prostitute“ (perhaps unsurprisingly that’s not one of the words that Duolingo’s seen fit to teach me in the eight or so years I’ve been struggling to learn that particular idiom). We continue on up to the stunning Belvedere Lookout where the whole crater’s laid out in front of us in a spectacular panorama.

Next stop is a pineapple plantation - it might just be the time of the year, but these guys look like distinctly shrunken version of the ones we’re used to seeing in our homeland. Hopefully, as we’re constantly being told, size doesn’t matter.

Next up is a climb up what surely must be high on the list of the world’s narrowest, steepest and windiest roads to the peak of the so-called Magic Mountain. The road‘s made of concrete but it’s still ridiculously bumpy - a bit akin to a long session in a tumble drier (not that I’ve ever experienced that first hand). And I’m not at all sure what you do if you meet someone coming the other way - someone would be in for a long and very challenging session of driving backwards. Anyway, it’s all worth it; the view is beyond spectacular.

I get chatting to Tammo about the former Intercontinental Hotel which we can see in the distance. We were told a couple of days ago that it closed and has never reopened due to the pandemic, but apparently that’s only part of the story. It seems that it had a much more strongly unionised workforce than most other hotels in French Polynesia, and the staff were forever going out on strike at the slightest excuse. So the pandemic turned up, and management decided that this was the perfect opportunity to cut their losses and close up shop. Tammo says that there are plenty of other Intercontinental Hotels in other parts of French Polynesia with far less unionised workforces, and they’re all still running. Apparently there’s a local law that if you close down a business and reopen it within three years, you have to offer all the staff their jobs back, so local suspicions are that it might well magically reopen … perhaps say three years and one day after it closed…. I wonder what the unions might have to say about that little ruse.

Next up is a vanilla plantation up on the side of one of the mountains, from where we get yet more stunning views. We’re told that vanilla plants are epic climbers, and when they get to the top of a tree (or in this case a bunch of concrete racks) they climb down the other side. And why is this important - well we’re told they only produce their beans when they’re climbing back down again. No wonder the plants are all wound round the concrete racks in seemingly endless loops. It seems that vanilla is the second most expensive plant in the world (after saffron), and it soon becomes clear why. There are no bees or birds here to do the pollinating (and even if there were apparently the hit rate‘s only about one percent), so it all has to be done manually ….. with toothpicks ….. Hmmmm.

Our final stop is the island’s juice factory and distillery, where it seems there’s a perpetual happy hour … and the server’s aren’t holding back. “Don’t mix your drinks” I‘ve always been told, and whilst the cups might only be small, I’m not sure four different wines/spirits/liqueurs in five minutes is quite adhering to that rule, particularly when we’re told that one of them’s thirty percent proof. They all seem to be made with either or a combination of pineapple, banana and vanilla - all very tasty - well except perhaps for the banana; I hate bananas.

It’s been a busy morning, so back at our lodgings it’s time for a quick dip in the lagoon, followed by a siesta to sleep off happy hour….. Issy’s spent the morning well, churning out yet more artistic masterpieces. Issy and Scott try some canoeing, which is going well until a flotilla of jet skis turns up and upsets the apple cart.

We set off for our final trek along the Road of Death, and as if to somehow prove that we’re invincible this time it’s an epic two kilometre hike around to the Moorea Beach Club where we enjoy an excellent meal. But the danger’s not yet over. As we return to our lodgings Scott nearly treads on what must be close to the world’s largest crab (well that’s what it felt like) lurking in wait at the base of our steps. One chomp of those claws and it would be bye bye toes. We’re now starting to question whether crabs can climb, and I’m fairly sure we can all feel a restless night coming on.

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Comments

[Home and Away]

I'm enjoying visiting Moorea...
vicariously!

[DaveandIssy]

Moorea
Great place to relax

[D MJ Binkley]

Peaceful
Crabs aside this looks like a great place to vacation.

[DaveandIssy]

Moorea
Highly recommended