Just breathe...

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What does it mean to call a country "home"? What if your childhood memories of your original home are mixed and fearful? How does that bear any relationship to a home? That is not what I would want for my children. So why would I call it home? My three sisters and I are returning to South Africa for the first time since we left in 1981. My sisters are all excited about returning so why am I so nervous? We had a wonderful time growing up filled with stories that could fill a romantic novel about a close-knit family. And yet my memories are laced with fear growing up in a country where I felt like a stranger in my father's beloved country. I don't really know what to feel... Will I feel the same? What if the fear returns? How will I see that world? The shades of grey I couldn't see as a child... will they be clearer now? Will they help me to see things in a new light, perhaps more forgiving than the eyes of a child? Or will the sharp pain of fear become a familiar companion once again?

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