What Does It Take To Bring A Child To Maturity?

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Yesterday, I learned that after five long years Jessie's academic efforts have paid off in the persuit of her chosen career. Yesterday she received her finals results for her final year of an Industrial Design Degree and has graduated with First Class Honors. Regardless of anyones talents this is, to me, a fantasic outcome. I'm sooo proud of you Jess.

Throughout those 5 years there have been some really hard times for Jessie, some periods of serious self doubt that she believed that she didn't have the fortitude to deliver. For no one other than Jessie, I am so thrilled that she found the strength from within herself to stay the course and complete what she started.

Was it any easier for her sisters, Briar and Megan? Is it any easier for their step sisters? No not at all. They have all had their challenges too and Jessie's achievement is not about reducing their outstanding achievements so far in any way. In fact this is a celebration for all concerned, mums, dads, grand parents, step mums and the wider families.

So what does it take to bring a child to maturity? Simply put, more than any of us will ever care to consider. Just pause for a moment to consider what your parents have fed into you and most probably are still feeding into you even if they have passed away.

The raising of my three birth children and my three step children from wee babies to the amazing young women they are today has been nothing less than the most profound and fulfilling journey I have been involved in. Someone really wise person once said "it takes seven adults to raise one child in the village".

Initially there was Jane and myself as the birth parents of Briar, Meg and Jess supported by our respective parents and our siblings. Then Jane and I parted company and the whole dynamic of what family was about changed. The ripple effect of separation and divorce is far reaching but reverberates most significantly through the immediate family. So for 2 years I lived with my Mum & Dad in their home while Jane married again. We shared our children, initially, on a week about basis and then on a fortnightly basis. This was a move that Jane pushed me into and I'm so glad she did. Thank you Jane. So by now the people involved in raising these precious young girls had expanded to my Mum, my Dad and myself plus Jane and her husband. One of the gifts that came from all of this was that Briar, Meg and Jessie grew to know their Grandparents on a deeper level than other children of their generation.

I moved into a flat and was joined by a young woman flatmate called Nadine as well as a nanny called Sue. Nadine was a recent graduate in town planning and was a wonderful influence on the girls. Sue was an older woman who was full of cuddles and hugs and wonderful steadying influence for the girls. Meanwhile, at Jane's house the girls met many different people from all walks of life.

That chapter ended and the girls and I moved into our own home in Wellington Street in Nelson. A couple of years later Mary-Anne and her 3 girls, Becky, Stephanie & Pippa, came into our lives. This was to become one of the most exciting and wonderful stages in my life so far. Yup, that's right, 6 daughters between us. In October 2000, Mary-Ane and I were married.

Apart from the girl's mother, Jane, Mary-Anne became a huge and positive influence in each of the girl's lives.

So now I pause for a minute and consider how many adults were involved in the raising of these young women (now emerging teenagers). There was myself, Mary-Anne, Jane, her husband, my Mum & Dad, Jane's Mum and Dad, Mary-Anne's Mum, Mary-Anne's former husband and our siblings. That makes 10 adults plus our 5 collective siblings.

As you can imagine different people had varying degrees of influence with each of the six girls. If you can visualise the shape of a butterfly with it's wings open, then this is how I imagine I would draw the shape of our family. Mary-Anne and I plus Briar, Meg, Jess, Becky, Steph and Pippa being the body of the butterfly and each of the wings representing the different parts of the family with some people like Jane and Chris closer to the body than others.

So who was responsible for parenting, setting boundries and rules of the house etc?

Glad you asked 😊. Firstly parenting. Mary-Anne and I had some ""ding dong arguements after we were married and had set up a home together about some of these things but in the end we managed to kiss and make up because fundamentally we were interested in the same outcome. Mary-Anne and I quickly found that she was the only one who could parent her children when they were in our home and the same was the case for me. I would back Mary-Anne up on whatever she felt was appropriate in order for her to parent her girls and the the same for me. Now that sentence didn't take that long to write but I can assure you that getting this process sorted took a lot longer and we often didn't get it right. Just ask any one of the girls.

Setting boundires for girls in teenage years is a rocky road regardless of the family dynamics, however when in our home it was our rules. On bigger issues we each conferred with the other parent, sometimes with mixed success.

With such outside influences as binge drinking, boys, out of control parties, sex, drugs and enormous doses of peer influence we collectively managed our way through some pretty exciting and challenging times. In defense of each of the girls, not all of these influences reached into our family, but they were never too far away.

With the rocky teenage years came some hilarious highs, some really fun times and plenty of "how did I get into this situation" events.

For example, why is it that these young women always felt the need to pour out their worries and concerns when it was time for bed??? Why could they have not felt the need early in the morning when I was refreshed and fully functioning? Ok, so it's obvious to you, thanks. So Mary-Anne would take the late shift ( bless her) while I would crash into bed unable to stay awake and focus any longer.

One night Mary-Anne did her dutiful best and stayed up with Briar and her friends to hear about what was going. At some early hour of the morning she fell into bed totally drunk. They had drunk her under the table! I think she cursed me in that brief moment before she fell asleep or passed out, I'm not sure which. The next day Briar and her friends were no worse for wear. The same could not be said for poor Mary-Anne. All in the line of duty, yeah right.

Today, Mary-Anne and I have parted company and so the dynamics and the influence on each of the 6 girls has shifted, or has it?

As I write this celebration of these six gorgeous, individual, dynamic and beautiful young women, Briar is 27, Meg is soon to be 26, Jess is soon to be 23, Becky is 22, Steph is 21 and Miss Pippa is soon to turn 17. Five of them live away from "home" and so their needs and support from their parents has changed. Mary-Anne continues to be a wonderful influence in the lives of Briar, Meg and Jess not as a step-mum. In fact she is much more than that, she is more like a dear close friend who know them really well. Jane is their mum and no one can fill that role other than her. The ongoing support of each of her "babies", particularly Jess over the last wee while has been so special to watch. I am their dad and only a dad can be a dad. I'm confused about who I am to my step daughters, Becky, Steph and Pippa. I think all I can do is stay in touch with each of them and support them as best I can. They know where I am and I would like to think that if we are in the same place at the same time they would want to catch up. Time will tell, time will tell.

Today, I have six daughters and each of them is priceless to me, regardless of the current circumstances or strength of the relationship.

So what does it take to raise a young child to maturity?

My answer is; It takes as much as it takes.

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Comments

[Penny]

WOW
Nigel that was great!! Thank you for sharing it with us. Your 6 girls are very lucky to have such a special person like you in their lives. Penny xo

[Nigel Harte]

Thanks Penny. I believe that there are too many disappearing Dads in this world and I'm thankful that I wasn't one of them. It would have been so easy or perhaps too hard at the time. The investment in these women has been worth it in so many ways. How was your trip? I'm sure Michael would have been pleased to see a familiar face or two. I have just driven 475km North of Mt Gambier to a town called Berri to do my truck driving course for big trucks. Ironically this is the same truck that I have been driving for the past 2 years but they are much stricter here than in the USA. Bye for now Nigel