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J-ZN in La Senza
A wonderful combinationWe had a date set up on Friday.
Usually when you do something the second, or third, or fourth time, you get used to the idea and with the repetitions comes an easy familiarity.
Not with J-ZN.
I was as nervous as the first time-what clothes do I wear? What hat do I wear? What shit should I say?
Compounded onto these jitters was the constant reminder that I only had 5 days left on this frozen northern tundra and this was the last fucking chance to tell this girl my feelings.
I went to a McGill study at 1pm to make sure I didn’t have to sell myself into slavery to buy shit on this date and then scooted over to her apartment at 3:30.
We were supposed to meet at 3:45 and I sat in her opulent lobby for 15 minutes as the doorman gave me dirty looks for having my street attire destroying the ambience of false richness this apartment oozed through its plastic gilded mirrors and faux leather couches.
She bounced down exactly at 3:45, expressed surprise that I was early (I’m never early for anything…except when a home run
The Mall...
or one hallway of it is on the line) and then we headed out.
The original goal for this date was to visit a shop we saw on our last date. This store was buried in the Eaton Centre/Montreal Trust/Place des Ailes underground mall complex and we got thoroughly lost multiple times (contrary to stereotypes, she is the first Asian girl I know who gets lost in a mall).
Somewhere in this meandering stroll through the mall, we start going to body/lotion shops and spent 2 hours rubbing lotion on each other’s hands, spraying perfume onto our bodies and debating who smelled more like a flowery ass faggot.
My mind was already reeling from the sexual undertones of all this lotion rubbing and then in our quest to find more flavors of lotion to rub onto each other, we ended up in La Senza (Canada’s version of Victoria Secret). My mind burst into hyperdrive as I saw racks of scanty lingerie in the background with a giggling J-ZN in the foreground.
I somehow managed to control my feelings and keep my voice on an even keel as we browsed around.
Then she pointed to a bottle of lotion.
“I
wonder how Angelic Blossoms lotion smells…”
I grabbed the sample from the shelf, popped the cap off, turned it upside down I must’ve squeezed too hard…
The white lotion sprayed all over her arms and clothes.
After going to the bathroom and washing ourselves of the layers of lotion, perfume, body wash and all the other things girls use to smell sexy, we decided to throw a spontaneous party. J-ZN’s farm girl friend and gave her a shitload of steaks…and being a tiny Asian girl, there is no chance she can even make a dent in the meat. So we decided to cook some steaks and invite Hannah.
We hopped over to J-ZN’s apartment to grab the steaks (and I find out J-ZN’s roommate has mono…one less girl I can hit on and get rejected by!) and on my way to my apartment, we run into K-Bomb.
K-Bomb is a 19 year old Kansai chick who grew up in the Middle East. As you can imagine…she is fucking nuts and a hilarious bundle of fun. We invite her, then ring up Hannah2, make sure David is home and then start cooking.
Me,
K-Bomb and J-ZN Drinking Tea
In your face Kansai version of drinking tea...
and a small, cute Asian way of drinking tea David and J-ZN made the most God-awful food ever. The steaks were undercooked, the potatoes were overcooked and from our measly pantry, we had no vegetables…
But we drank copious amounts of black tea, Coca-Cola and coffee and our small Asian bodies started vibrating from the caffeine and we started fucking bouncing off the walls.
We fought on top of countertops, stage dived off the fridge, created a statue dedicated to the Shortstop, did headstands on top of the dining table, started changing clothes and since we’re Asian, we photodocumented every portion of it.
It was good, clean fun and probably the best time I’ve had in awhile. But during the entire time, the little nagging guy in the back of my head kept reminding me…”You need to tell J-ZN…”
At 2am, we finally came down from the caffeine and assessed the carnage of the house. J-ZN, Hannah2 and K-Bomb were getting ready to leave and I quickly offered to walk them home, and determinedly put on my jacket and my sneakers as they protested.
As I walked out, in a scene oddly mirroring the Calgary trip, D-German stood back with a wane smile (K-Bomb
D-German Views His Empire From Above
...or his former empire. Sorry, Germany lost the war. had been flirting with him the whole night but he stepped aside for me) as I got ready to take the rest of the kids home.
He flashed me a thumbs up and I nodded back.
K-Bomb was the first to peel off from the group and we all hugged and said goodbye and promised to meet and then the group was 3.
There was a hitch though.
J-ZN’s house was closer than Hannah’s so I would drop off J-ZN with Hannah2 still there…which would be nothing close to ideal. I had to come up with something to get her out of my kokuhaku moment.
She complained about the long walk to her house and I found the chink in her defense. I threw a $20bill her way and told her to take a cab (that study money didn’t go to waste).
She of course rejected my money profusely but I ignored her, stepped into the street, hailed a cab and shoved her, her bag and the $20 into it, slammed the hood with my hand and it sped off.
The group is 2.
Now I realize I’m fucking sweating
K-Bomb and Yours Truly
Japanese...masters of S&M with nervousness and I know it’s the time to do it but I’m a fucking pussy and we’re walking pretty briskly since its drizzling and then we’re right outside her door and we’re hugging and she’s turning to go in…
…and I grab her wrist and pivot her body back into another hug.
She’s surprised but hugs me back (she’s gotten better at hugging, I notice). The hug is too long and she starts squirming a little so I drop my arms to her waist, lean my body back a bit and tell her everything.
I’m not going to fucking repeat what I said to her on that night because 1) it’s corny, 2) it sounds stupid and 3) it’s my real feelings, something I can’t pass off as brash New York City gangbanger talk.
Anyway, I tell her my feelings and she’s stopped squirming and has become completely still.
She glances into my eyes and then focuses on the extremely interesting crack in the Montreal pavement.
“I like you too. But I’m not sure about love. I’ve never dated anyone before…so I need some time to give you an answer.”
I was
expecting a full reflection of my emotions in her words so I had already started to close the distance for a kiss but when her words hit my ear, my arms fell from her waist and my legs struggled to catch up and I would’ve collapsed into the sidewalk if it wasn’t for J-ZN’s shoulder catching me.
I stayed there, leaning on her shoulder.
“I…I just wanted to tell you…before I left…I…You’re…You’re amazing…and…beautiful…and you’re…you’re…
everything…just so you…know.” (Yea, I realize it sounds like shit as well.)
And she uneasily extracted herself from me.
“I…need some time. 待って”
She whirled around and raced into her apartment.
I walked back in the bitter cold.
Of course, the fucking light drizzle turned into a full out rainstorm and I got drenched.
If only God would give me luck in romance instead of cruelly fueling my sarcastic dark humor.
I tried to pretend the upcoming trip to Texas cancelled the failure of yet another romantic encounter, but I basically moped around for 4 to 5 days (it didn’t help that I had to study for a fucking final in the midst of it).
Robert and Hannah2
11am-4 bottles of beer down I started listening exclusively to Weezer and other emo songs as I contemplated buying a huge tub of ice cream (but I have no money) and contemplated watching soap operas (but I have no TV) and contemplated other uses for my Gillette Mach 3 Fusion razor (but I can’t see my veins underneath my yellow skin).
Then my final was over, I had finished packing for Texas and it was my last day in Montreal (yesterday).
I grabbed a 12 pack of MGD and a 40. I finished the 40 at 4pm, finished 6 of the MGD by 9pm and then bounced over to an Asian barbeque party, ate some amazing (and spicy) Korean barbeque, sloppily mingled with sober Asians, hit on every single female and then…
…I got a call from J-ZN who wished me a safe trip and another plea to “wait” which made my day since she called me from a pay phone since she doesn’t have a cellie and it shows she’s serious…
…and then I told my whole J-ZN story to Yusaku through a drunken haze of words, I taught Texas Hold’em to some girl, other people clustered around, a game
of strip blackjack started, I was racing towards nakedness with only my boxers and a shirt protecting me from my horrible drunken counting skills but Asians are pussy so they made a new rule-one piece of clothing or a shot of vodka, everyone was getting fucking drunk and naked, but since Asians are pussies the game stopped before anything significant happened, I realized it was 2am and I had a flight at 5am and I couldn’t even spell my name so K-Bomb (who was also completely wasted) dragged my ass home…
…and we stumble inside my apartment completely drunk and D-German and Hannah2 are hanging out and start laughing at our drunken attempts at forming coherent sentences and then K-Bomb and I start flirting and we start kissing and making out and she has her hands down my pants and I’ve got mine up her shirt and D-German and Hannah2 make a hasty exit and we’ve staggered to the living room and our shirts are off and she’s kissing me all over my body and then I’m rounding third when we both stop…
I’ve got a picture of J-ZN’s smiling face in my head.
Apparently, K-Bomb has
a smiling picture of D-German in her head.
…so we put our clothes back on and I’m trying to figure out why the fuck I just passed up sex with an attractive girl and as I’m sitting in my confused daze, she tells me about her crush on D-German and we both keep reiterating the fact that we’re drunk to explain the ridiculous situation to ourselves and then D-German and Hannah2 come back and me and Kanan try to explain how we didn’t have sex but we can’t even talk straight and D-German quickly points out my shirt is on backwards so I try to fix it in the bathroom to escape the awkward silence and then puke up kimchee and beef into my toilet bowl and I’m thinking this is disgusting and wash my mouth and D-German and Kanan are having a private talk on the deck and Hannah2 is passed the fuck out and I’m chewing the remaining throw up crud in my mouth and then I pass out…
…and D-German punches me up an hour later and I go and puke up the rest of the dinner and drink two cups of water and Kanan
tells me the situation is ok and then D-German leads me to the taxi stand on Parc and I hug him goodbye while he pinches his nose from the combination of puke, beer, burnt beef and Old Spice emanating from my body and then I’m flying down the bumpy Quebec highway system as I listen to Barack Obama becoming “the first minority Presidential hopeful for a major party” and I cruise into Trudeau International and manage to get my boarding pass even though I belligerently insist my name is New York three times and I have a bottle of saline solution confiscated because its over 100ml of liquid and then I arrive in Gate 83 and I have 3 hours until my flight because it’s delayed…
…and eat an overpriced breakfast at airport Burger King and puke $7.78 worth of hash browns, orange juice and omelet sandwich into the pristine motion censored toilet and spend the rest of the time trying to frantically sober up and then I’m on the plane and I’ve got a whole row to myself so before the instructional video has even hit play I’m passed the fuck out across three chairs…
…I arrive
Fukudome Section in O'Hare
If I had more time (and money and a better body and better looks) I would stand here all day and pick up J-Girls in Chicago O’Hare…and realize my connecting flight is ten thousand feet in the fucking air because of the delay…
…I’m stuck in Chi-town and so I attempt to woo the counter woman to give me another connecting flight for free and something must’ve worked cuz she hands me a ticket and I spend an hour eating Chicago Hot Dogs and Deep Dish and debating whether to buy a $90.00 Fukudome jersey, decide against it but talk to tons of J-Poppers around the Fukudome section who enjoy me drunkenly stumbling over Japanese particles as I attempt to befriend them and then I’m in my second flight of the day and I’m next to an 80 year old man...
...who also can’t spell his name…
…but that’s because he’s senile…
…and I pass out and wake up in Dallas with the man’s head leaned on my shoulder dripping drool onto my jacket…
…I prop him upright and wipe my jacket on his shirt and readjust his collar to make sure he looked presentable and hand him over to a stewardess and stumble out the plane but I’m too tired/hungover/still drunk to care that it’s my first step
onto Texan/Dirty South soil and I spend 40 minutes trying to navigate Dallas/Fort Worth’s huge ass airport as I try to go from Terminal A to Terminal C and I notice contrary to popular belief, there are no hot blond women with huge breasts attacking my skinny Asian frame as I wander around the airport and finally discover the tram that goes between the terminals and I finally find my gate and get on a small ass plane with two tiny ass propellers and 8 rows of 2 seats…
…and even though I wanna collapse asleep to escape my hangover, the plane is bucking up, down, spinning around and shimmying side to side like a horny slut in a ring of cocks so I end up gripping my armrests to try and alleviate my stomach from vomiting more…
…and then in 30 minutes I arrive in College Station Airport which is probably the smallest airport in the world since it only has one gate and then I get my checked luggage and step outside…
…straight into my version of hell-90F (38C for you cultured people), no buildings in sight and random, tall white people wearing collared shirts…
…and I quickly escape by calling a cab, get to my dorm, check in, meet my roommate and then collapse asleep for a bit, wake up to a growling stomach and wander around in this bumfuck nowhere town as people try not stare at my slanty eyes, pink collared shirt, my comic book hat and pink bracelet and I manage to find a fast food joint and as I order, the only other customer there turns to me and asks, “You’re not from here are you? Where are you from?”
…and I can’t answer because I’m looking at two of the most beautiful, humongous and amazing breasts. And as this 1211 word run-on sentence abruptly ends due to my horniness, it hits me.
I’m in fucking Texas.
I’m IN FUCKING TEXAS! And as the college fratboy douchebag working behind the counter asks me "Is that all, sir?" I tear my eyes from the girl's prodigous mammary glands, spin around and in my best fake ass Southern drawl I tell him:
"Supersize that shit."
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alpha male
non-member comment
welcome to texas
what the heck is a kokuhaku moment? I googled it but the first thing that came up was this blog post. haha. Sucks about J-zn... are you going to be in Montreal again after Texas? Maybe you could make some moves in the off season and come back with a better team next year. anyway, give me a call and let me know if there's anything you need down there in texas. Are you staying in Traditions? Look for this Physics kid name Mark, he's a solid guy and should help show you around etc. The little sushi place right next to you is pretty mediocre but you should be a welcome respite from the tex-mex fare in Northgate. The weekend is coming up... so round up all the REU kids who are slightly social and throw a party in your room. Just make sure there is loud music and alcohol available (it also helps to make friends with the dorks who work at the traditions, because they can get you out of a jam sometimes if you drunkenly break shit or forget your keys. Don't ask me how I know that) After your nice and socially lubricated, go out to a bar on Northgate and meet some of the students/locals. Just don't get into a fight. Let me know how it goes.