Welcome to the Real America

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April was a big month for me, and it began as all big months start. Two delayed flights and having to sleep in an Airport. Note for first time players #3: don't sleep in Nashville airport, it's shit. Choose Sea-Tac or Fort Worth, much nicer places. So after a sleepless night and a 7am shuttle out to Monteagle in some seriously creepy fog. The thing about Country Tennessee is that the woods look like they are straight out of a god-damn horror movie. Add fog with about 15 feet visibility and John Springer and you have a recipe for a freaking Psychotic break. Fittingly that was how my Sewanee experience started...

Spent a few days getting acclimatised to Sewanee: The University of the South and learnt some very important things about that part of America. The most important thing to remember when placing Sewanee in it's context is to put it in its place, the area of rural Tennessee the school is situated in is one of the poorest parts of rural America. The Coal mines have long since shut down and everything seems more than just a little derelict. SOmehow these people are also incredibly conservative which i find really weird, the concept of a poor conservative just seems a little strange. Into this setting place what was originally planned as the Southern states answer the British academic giants: Oxford and Cambridge. Losing the civil war meant things didn't go quite to plan, obviously, and these days the period buildings are filled with a total student body of barely 1500 with fees reflecting those of a private institution of this type. There's money here, lots of money and lots of old money but we'll get to that later....

For now we'll get to what is arguably the most important event of the 2011 sporting calendar. Wrestlemania is as big as they say, it really is. Thanks to the J-train I had a car and took the 3 hour drive from Sewanee to Atlanta and checked into what is arguably one of the shittest hostels in the world. Apart from being in downtown Atlanta which is not exactly the safest [place on the planet it is owned by a complete dickhead. I mean really, if you're gonna own and operate a youth hostel you should probably be friendly and open. Some of the staff there were pretty chilled though and there were some Aussies in my room which was good.

Saturday meant Wrestlemania: Axxess which sounded like a great idea at the time and was even pretty fun for the first twenty minutes. They had some pretty cool shit floating around, costumes, merch and the like. I really couldn't be bothered lining up for an hour and a half just to get an autograph though, that seemed just plain stupid. It was around this time that i came to the shocking realisation that the reason i was feeling oddly uncomfortable was that the was a fundamental difference between me and the rest of the people there, apart from the obvious hygiene, IQ etc. These people took this shit seriously. By this i don't mean that they think it's real because they really don't, they just take it really really seriously. They know the trivia, they know the technical skills, they break each fight down to the minutiae. Shit, all i wanna see is the game pedigree the undertaker three times so i can scream my fucking head off. Some people just don't seem to get that.

Now Sunday on the other hand was really something. The Georgia dome is one of the larger closed domes in the USA and it was completely packed out. Imagine for a moment, if you will, 71,000 people all chanting the same thing in unison. You might think wrestling is stupid and hell, it probably is, but in that environment you can't not get caught up in it all. I was a little worried that i was going by myself and would be stuck with some real ferals, fear not though. These two black dudes sat down next to me, ghetto as all hell. They look over at me, here me talk and say "Where you from boy", "Australia", "Cool, want a beer"! Drinking buddies at mania, couldn't get any better. The matches themselves were also pretty good, the royal rumble dark match was enjoyable. Punk v Orton was also reasonably good, Snooki was hilariously surprising (Seriosuly check this shit out hahaha). But the real main event was a 40min sloberknocker!!!! Taker v HHH was seriously insane i didn't stop yelling.

So yeah, suffice it is to say that this was arguably the greatest night of my life. Apart from the 5 block walk from the train station to the hostel at 2am which was a little terrifying, Wrestlemania validated this entire crazy trip.

Going back to Sewanee that monday was pretty depressing but then i got a better chance to meet J-Bone's fraternity (The Phi Society) which are an awesome crew of read blooded, flag waving, gun-toting americans, yeah i'm lookin at you RJ. The Greek culture at Sewanee is still more than just alive and well. Also, these boys like to party, the frat palace is not the traditional kind of frat-house i've seen in other places (it is definitely NOT the tri-sigma sorority mansion in Macomb). It's a three bedroom place that is perpetually trashed, in a good way of course. Anyway that week was pretty quiet, did some hikes, sat in on one of John's geo classes and just generally relaxed. That weekend me, John and his brother-in-arms Freddy headed down into Georgia to the University of Georgia for what can only properly be described as an epic party. Arguably 2000 people gathered at the Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) house for a day of drinking and music. It was here that i learned just how annoying having an accent can actually be.

Note for First time players #4 (Applies to Foreigners only): Yes, you have an accent. yes people will find that accent interesting. Try the southern states of America for best results. The whole southern hospitality thing is for real so that plus the foreign-ness will mean you will get nothing but positive reactions. Yes people will give you beer just because of the way you talk. Yes there is a very good chance you will get laid just because of your accent though most of the time it is just a way of striking up a conversation. That being said, and keeping in mind just how positive those positives are, sometimes having an accent really pisses me off. These issues apply almost exclusively to women so keep that in mind. The major problem is alcohol, firstly a drunk girl will stare at you, then ask whether your accent is fake, then when you tell her you are Australian she will tell you that you are in fact not Australian. She will ask to see your idea then she will lose her mind and start yelling about how you are in fact Australian and that you need to meet her friends. Rinse and repeat with her friends, there will be no other topic of conversation, then again if everybody is drinking maybe that's a good thing.

Anyway UGA was a hot mess, of drugs, music and alcohol. Heaps of fun though and met some chilled crew. Back in Sewanee for the following week i endeavoured to get out of John's hair so talked to my main man T-rex (Tennyson) and he hooked me up with a room in the SAE house at on the Sewanee campus. An absolutely disgusting mess including a broken toilet, broken bottles and food everywhere, but it was way chilled. Also free food at the cafeteria for almost two weeks was super chilled and saved me so much money so thanks again to the crew that helped me pull off that particular piece of Jedi-ing.

It also turns out that without even going there i can tell you that Texas is in fact the best state in the union. Nobody can seem to tell me why but if Jack Nugent and RJ say it then basically it's true. Seriously if you meet them you will know what i mean. The one real downside of the place seems to be that i haven't been there yet.

Another week of chilling by day with a growing group of chilled out guys and dolls with nights of drinking. That weekend was Sewanees Spring Party, read as three days of drinking and music. Had an absolute blast and managed to wake up in an all girls dorm with the girls brother in the other bed. Now if you would like details for that story you can ask, you probably won't get any though. 😉

Sewanee is an awesome place and the whole 'Southern Hospitality' thing is for real. Just don't talk religion or politics and whatever you do you gotta eat as much goddamn fried chicken as possible, that shit is everywhere.

Thanks go out to the Phis and SAEs who looked after me so well while I was in Tennesee, the next stop can only really mean one thing and that's:

Sigma Sigma Sigma

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Photos

never talk about politics
Poster on some kid's bedroom door. Text reads -
' Freedom is under assault! Barack Obama has launched a full-scale attack on America's system of limited government. Don't let Obama and his liberal accomplices divide America based on their ideology of envy and coveting. Contact Youth America's Foundation Today.'