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Published: August 14th 2008
Between Angels & Insects
A friendly Dragon at the LB sandcastle competition, Sunday 10th August.It appears that meeting a partner, life, sex or otherwise on the internet Stateside is as frequent a practice for many people as is a trip to the supermarket or to collect their mail and in the relatively short time I’ve been over here I’ve already met and heard of several examples of relationships formed within the unbounded realms of cyberspace. Whilst at this stage of my life I have no desire whatsoever to find a ‘soul mate’, most certainly not to the extent of asking a machine for assistance to do so there was one thing that I was beginning to feel starved and deprived at the absence of. Kicking something, and so, having finally decided that Stephen’s attempts to arrange a friendly game of soccer for any willing and able F & G employees was going to prove a fruitless exercise due to the idiocies of this countries insurance requirements I decided to take matters into my own hands and seek one out for myself.
Strangely I was overcome with a feeling of something resembling shame that I had even considered resorting to my computer to find something or
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The teams. Stephen, arms folded next to, Alice next to him and Adelia in front of me. someone with whom to share a lifelong passion with and I felt like an Eleanor Rigby style ‘lonely heart’ when I googled the words ‘Soccer Long Beach’ into the search engine and seconds later found myself clicking to enter www.meetups.com but within minutes I had enrolled and received e mailed confirmation that I was now a bona fide member of the Long Beach Soccer Meet Up Group.
This sort of thing, using the world wide web to facilitate one’s social life was completely alien to me but judging by the other meet up groups listed on the site was a perfectly common and natural way of meeting like minded people; single parents groups, left handed darts players with a turn in their right eye groups, one limbed swimmers groups, you name it they were all on there. Consequently, on Saturday morning at 9am, less than eight hours after getting home from the girls Junior Lifeguards Presentation which basically involved sitting in a park sipping wine Stephen and I found ourselves heading the twenty minutes north to Heartwell Park for our first ever Stateside kick-about bristling with excitement like a couple of schoolboys who had just been mistakenly locked in
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Strike 2 ! Our seats were right next to the red A.Board on the right hand side. the tuck shop.
I wasn’t expecting too much to be honest although enough to warrant going out the previous day and buying new boots, shorts and shirt and I warned Stephen of the same. The group members whose profiles I had viewed on the site were almost all young(ish) Hispanic types who mostly confessed to having had no previous experience of playing the game and who, no doubt still plucking the barbs of wire from their flesh following an after dark crawl across the no mans land of the Mexican border just wanted to meet up to make new friends and get some exercise. In addition, within the groups eighteen or so members who’d confirmed their attendance were three girls ensuring it was going to be one game where shirt/short tugging could well warrant an appearance in court or at best a slap around the chops as opposed to the simple receipt of a yellow or red card.
Our first headache came when we arrived at the park. Although barely wide enough to fit in two end to end soccer pitches it stretched into the distance as far as the eye could see and not knowing who or
what our new friends looked like we realized finding them wasn’t going to be easy. To make matters worse a girls’ under twelve soccer tournament had recently got underway ensuring the park was packed with pre teen schoolies and their vociferous adoring deck chaired parents.
With the meet up scheduled for 9:45 we were fifteen minutes late and already soaked in sweat by the time we’d walked/jogged the length of the park and back unsuccessfully trying to locate our game. The web site had asked us to take a white and a red shirt so sides could be picked and we were just considering giving up and returning to the car when we noticed a group of four or five people sat under the shade of a large tree who obviously had nothing to do with the tournament. Having come all this way I wasn’t prepared to give in lightly and so more in desperation than hope I jogged over and asked them if they were from the LB soccer group and the joy at confirmation that we’d found our game was tempered slightly by the fact that there were just five people and two of them were female.
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Reserve pitchers warming up. Some game this was going to be.
Fifteen minutes later, half an hour after the scheduled meet up time and the group numbers had swelled to about fourteen but it was almost as if none of them had ever met each other before as they stood and sat around in silence. Stephen and I did our damnedest to get some interaction going but it was difficult as a few of them barely spoke a word of English.
The three girls had by now all arrived and in the course of our introductions I asked one of them, a quiet girl of about twenty with the stockiest legs I’ve ever seen and who had yet to utter a word her name.
“Alice” she whispered in reply.
“And what position do you play Alice ?” I enquired in an attempt to keep the conversation alive,
“Oh, I don’t really play soccer”
I couldn’t resist. “Huh ?. What in God’s name are you doing here then?”.
Thankfully a couple of the group laughed aloud as did Alice which seemed to break the ice and five minutes later Stephen and I had managed to sort the motley
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Jason and Luis boil alive at the Angels Anaheim Stadium. crew into two teams and we were ready for the off. The only patch of grass we could find that wasn’t occupied by screaming pre teenage girls or their vocal parents was a narrow strip of green behind the goal of one of the tens of soccer pitches that packed the park and which was bounded on three sides by a low chain link fence. In the middle was a large baseball scoreboard supported by a two legged steel framed structure, not exactly ideal for the centre of a soccer field but beggars can’t be choosers so we decided that it would have to act as an extra opponent for both sides and proceeded to set up our goals which consisted of a couple of oil barrels and a couple of sports bags. I didn’t care, it was footie and I’d missed it.
If you’d have passed us once the game had got underway and observed for a few seconds you’d have been forgiven for thinking it was a friendly game between the inmates of the local special needs institution who’d been let out under supervision for the morning. One aimless toe poked punt of the ball would be
followed by sixteen or so enthusiastic young players frantically chasing after it across the grass giving it the appearance of one of those speeded up pursuits that always signified the end of the Benny Hill Show and then another straight legged kick in the opposite direction would see them all about turn and the chase continue. All that was missing was the white gowns and skull caps.
Adelia, another of the three girls whose legs below either knee were completely covered by the largest shin pads I’ve ever seen bringing back memories of Alan Knott in his prime had me in stitches when, hovering over the ball near her own goal line having just nimbly scaled the fence to retrieve it from the baseball diamond behind the goal she weighed up possible recipients for the resultant goal kick. Adjusting her firing line with all the smoothness of a large gauge howitzer being manoeuvred into position she carefully selected the intended target of her pass before she wound up her rigidly straight leg and fired the ball rocket like with her big toe directly into Stephen’s lower spine as he stood with his back to her just five yards in
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Statistics is the name of the game. away. As he dropped to his knees in a mixture of shock and pain Adelia stood with her hand clamped in horror over her open mouth as the rest of us howled with laughter. Ow !.
My own contribution was disappointingly brief. After ten minutes spent strolling around shouting encouragement and praise to the enthusiastic patients interspersed with occasional laughter at the oddness of the situation I found myself in I attempted a longish pass and crumpled to the ground as my gammy knee, unsupported due to having forgotten my knee brace in all the excitement, gave way in a jolt of pain. To term a phrase I was ‘sick as a parrot’ but rather than risk further injury as I’ve done on many occasions before I spent the next half an hour walking away from the ball whenever the chasing pack approached. After another half hour had passed I noticed Stephen, the raging bull as he later told me he was once known to his friends back in Macclesfield, appeared to all intents and purposes to be breathing out of his arse so we said our good byes, promised to be back sometime soon and made our way
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Iraq ? No, firing more freebies into the crowd home.
Later that afternoon Phil, the girls and I paid a visit to see Doug who I’d first met on the skiing trip at Christmas and happily that funny, larger than life persona hadn’t altered. His wife Kam and two kids added up to being a friendly, hospitable if slightly unconventional family and we were treated to some of Doug’s, in his own words, legendary Tacos made to his grandma’s recipe as well as spending the late afternoon sipping Margerita’s in the custom made pool and Jacuzzi which had completely replaced the whole back garden bar for a narrow paved area along the back of the house and which virtually ensured that you stepped out of the house straight into the water.
On Wednesday I had my dreaded visit to the dentist to have my crown fitted which thankfully went without snag apart from having to have the temporary one drilled out due to Ashley’s over zealous application of super glue and then headed for the office. I was just unpacking my laptop in the solitary confinement of my new office when Luis, my Venezuelan boss came in with a sombre concerned look on his face that told
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Ronnie in the 'Hall of Fame'. Someone tell him you're s'posed to catch it with the mitt. me something was amiss and closed the door slowly behind him. I braced myself but for what I didn’t know.
He almost apologetically started to tell me that someone had dropped out of his planned corporate visit, courtesy of Chevron Refineries, to the LA Angels baseball game that afternoon and told me he had okayed it with Phil and wondered if I would like to go. Was he kidding ? Spend the afternoon in the office or have an all expenses paid trip to my very first baseball game.
I was introduced to my travel companions, Iranian Shohab and cockney Jason, a Spurs fan who runs the LA Spurs web site as well as working for F & G and headed out to the Anaheim Stadium around noon. Venezuela is the only country in South America which doesn’t support soccer as it’s national sport which, fortunately for me is replaced by baseball and sitting next to Luis was more educational than any of the fact sheets that I could or have bought. Our seats were fully exposed to the blistering sun which was baking us alive and I was grateful to Luis for warning me to nip home
for my shorts upon noticing Jason and Shohab melting alongside us in their work clothes. By the end of the afternoon I was familiar with most of the rules that just a few weeks earlier I had thought I’d never have the patience to learn and left vowing to return.
Later that evening I was browsing the web when I made a spur of the moment decision that was unfortunately to be the cause of much angst and grief for days to come and which, there is every possibility, may continue to do so for some time. After weeks of promises, deliberations and investigations I took the plunge and ordered my very own Canon Rebel Xsi Digital SLR camera with 28-135mm lens for around six hundred and fifty dollars from a web site named soniccameras.com. The site reviews I read proved complimentary and the price was very attractive and I looked forward to receipt of it in time for the weekend.
About ten thirty the following morning I received an e mail from Sonic asking me to call them to confirm my order and was put through to an affable New Yorker named Danny. After lengthy introductions in
which he expressed his love for the Beatles and all things English he got down to business and started slowly but surely gently coaxing me into purchasing alternatives to my original selection.
I should have realized when he offered me a battery and charger for $299 that something was amiss but, not being an expert on SLR’s took him by his word.
“What, you mean the camera doesn’t have a battery?” I asked.
“It comes with a battery sir, but only a twenty minute disposable. But I can let you have a battery and charger for two nine nine”. The fact that there is probably no such thing as a twenty minute disposable battery never even registered with me, I was just ruing my disappointment that the bargain of a lifetime I thought I’d got minutes earlier wasn’t going to be.
I queried him “Is that two dollars ninety nine or two hundred and ninety nine ?” and after a little splutter of laughter he confirmed the latter. I thought the offer was too good to be true but as I was pondering my next move he asked if I was close to a computer and
told me to go to the his company web site and type in a code which brought up a ‘promotional offer’ which I may find suitable for my needs. The offer flashed onto my screen and showed a package containing the same camera, two lenses and a host of necessary accessories. Its original price was shown as $2199 but, it said, it could all be mine for $1199. My quest for a bargain has got me into trouble before, enough times to think I’d have learned my lesson by now but what the heck I thought, in for a penny….. No doubt it’ll get me into trouble again.
Within a minute or so I'd raised my order almost $550 on the original, even paying an additional fifty dollars for overnight delivery but neglected to take the offer of five year warranty, ended the call and went into Phil’s office to tell him my good news.
The following morning I was browsing through my online bank account to check if my expenses had been deposited and was somewhat mystified and just a tad alarmed to see a total of $1,453.68 had been removed to “Sonic Cameras”. It must surely
be a genuine mistake I thought, he seemed such a nice guy and so decided to wait for receipt of the package before reporting it to them.
It was three pm on Friday afternoon when the package was finally delivered to the office and rather than ravage the box apart in my normal manner I neatly slit the sides open before emptying the contents one by one onto the office floor. Within the box were the camera, two Sigma lenses, not Canon as requested, two cheap and nasty camera/lens bags, a DVD instruction manual, two filters, a memory card and reader, a cheap lens cleaning kit and a tripod. I smelled a rat and immediately called New York only to be told Daniel was not available and that Customer Services was closed for the weekend. Oh shit ! I immediately thought. Here we go again.
After the occurrences of Kuala Lumpur twenty one months earlier I feared I had once again strayed into the land of being well and truly ripped off. I’m quite sure if I hadn’t gone through what I’d gone through in South East Asia on my world trip I’d have merely written this off
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Feet up in my new solitary cell. as a bad experience and something to be learned from but I wasn’t prepared this time to let some low life scum bag mercilessly rob me.
Over the weekend I discussed it with several people taking in and digesting any advice that was offered as best I could and on Sunday morning began to act. I started by calling Citibank to explain the situation, cancel my current debit card which had been used for the transaction and to discover that the money was yet to have actually been removed from my account. This allowed me to put a track on it which involves the bank monitoring my account and reimbursing my monies until they’ve had time for an investigation to be carried out.
Then I set about doing what I should have done before I’d even purchased the camera which was to thoroughly investigate Soniccameras.com. One respected consumer web site I found, sellerratings.com had one hundred and thirty two customer complaints which mirrored almost word for word what had happened to me, right down to being offered non existent batteries etc etc. The process they use to scam their unsuspecting clients is known as ‘Bait and Switch’ and
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Megan, office receptionist with her work of art. I've commissioned her to do one for me. it appeared they’d got away with it time after time after time.
I also discovered they were based in Brooklyn, New York and, along with thirty odd other similarily ruthless camera retailers in the area appeared to operate from faceless stores. Mafiosi ? Who knows but none of them were registered as trading companies with the New York powers that be. Additionally, the positive reviews I’d read prior to purchase were exact copies word for word of false customer reviews pasted on several different consumer sites for a variety of similar rogue traders, no doubt all owned by Tony Soprano and his mob. A photograph of the premises from which Sonic cameras operate taken by a disgruntled customer who’s devoted his time and energy to exposing the crooks showed a plain plate glass window with closed blinds and no sign whatsoever of a company name sign.
By Monday lunchtime I’d prepared myself a list of questions and, armed with Phil’s Dictaphone called Daniel with the speakerphone switched on and pressed ‘record’. He answered “Danny here” in his familiar broad New Yoik brogue, remembered me immediately and chirpily asked how he could help. When he realized the nature of
my call his tone changed immediately.
I started by asking why charges for extended warranties had been added to my account when I’d specifically said I didn’t want them to which he replied that I had asked for them, that he had me on tape as requesting them (crap) but that he had mistakenly charged me twice for them for which he apologized and promised to refund ninety nine dollars. I went on.
Why had I received Sigma lenses when I’d been led to believe they’d be Canon ? Why had Canon told me when I’d called them that the camera id number was not from America but from Asia meaning that the warranty in the box was false, useless and that it was effectively a grey market product ? Why were Sigma’s lenses listed on the advert as being worth $599 each when they were listed on Sigma’s own site as having RRP of $180 and $200 respectively ? Why could each item on the list be bought individually for less than the discounted package price that Sonic were offering, never mind the original price ? Why was the promo offer he’d sent me via the code
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With Lisa at my last 'Party in the Park' of the summer. not available anywhere on their website ?
After a couple of minutes he’d had enough and told me he was going to put me through to customer services but I pleaded with his better nature and kept him on the line. “Okay Dan, on Wednesday you told me the camera had a twenty minute disposable battery and that I’d need to purchase one for two hundred and ninety nine dollars”. His answer dumbfounded me.
“But you got the retail kit with the camera now and before you had the wholesale kit which comes in a brown box, it doesn’t even come in a Canon box. I upgraded you to the Canon authentic retail kit which includes the long life battery and charger”. Total shite.
He asked me what was missing from the box and I replied that I hadn’t even checked each individual boxes because I realized straight away I wanted to return it and asked him how I went about that.
“The warranties are non refundable and there’s a ten per cent re-stocking fee plus shipping” he said quoting a total figure of $273.60 to return. The perfect scam.
The conversation then turned to
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One the way home I stopped off at Shannons, Bayshore's equivalent of The Sea Horse and had a laugh with these four jolly ladies. his claims that our original conversation two days earlier had been recorded and that he could prove I had requested the warranties that I knew I hadn’t. I called his bluff and asked him to prove it at which he relented, “Okay sir, send them warranties back and I’ll give you $199 dollars back”
“I want to send everything back”
“Okay, then you’ll have to follow policy sir. It’ll be $174.60 non refundable”, a totally different figure to that what he’d quoted just seconds earlier. At this stage I hit him with the bombshell that I’d spoken to my bank, cancelled my card and that the money hadn’t yet been transferred to his company. His answer made me smile.
“In that case I will call the police and report it stolen sir”
“But it isn’t stolen, I want to send it back but I need an address and I’m not going to pay for it”
“Well it doesn’t work like that. You don’t play by your own rules sir I’m sorry to tell you. You don’t make up the rules”
“How do I get the camera back to you?”
“Sir, I’ll make that
call now”. I spoke his name three times but he’d gone. He’d hung up.
Fifteen seconds later I had managed to compose myself and was just lifting the receiver to call him back when I heard my mobile ringing in my bag, switched the Dictaphone on and holding the earpiece against the microphone answered it. I recognized the voice.
“Sir, I’ve actually recorded it stolen now”. What in fifteen seconds.
“Well it hasn’t been stolen. I have it here and I want to return it”
By now he was getting very frustrated, no more the polite, affable lad from Wednesday. I asked him why the promo offer wasn’t on the website.
“How much do you want to bet it is sir?”
“Well I can’t find it”
“That’s because I gave you the promotion code, do you remember that ?. Do you have the promotion code ? That’s why you can’t look it up. Did I give you the promotion code that day sir ? It’s not my responsibility to write it down for you sir”
“Well why isn’t it on the website?”
“It’s not something we give to everybody sir”
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Long Beach Police Dept v Long Beach Fire Dept. Quite a grudge match. “So I’m a special customer am I?”
By this stage I’d got the distinct impression that he wasn’t used to a customer who questioned everything he said and that he just wanted everything over with. I asked him how I could return the goods and he told me I should send it back with the return number he would give me AND the cheque for the the re-stocking fee and the shipping charges…….”Or I can give you a hundred dollars off, it’s up to you”.
I again reiterated that I just wanted to return the goods because I’d read thousands of customer reviews stating dissatisfaction with his company’s service.
“Yes, and if you look up ‘Best Buy’ or ‘Dell Computers’ on those same sites you’ll see they’ll have just as bad reviews sir”
“I should have known better than to buy something without research” I replied at which stage he hit me with his best shot,
“This is something you’re going to regret sir”
Seconds later and his offer changed again. “I offered you a hundred dollar credit on your order. You can keep it if you want. I’ll give you a hundred and
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Pocohontas and I took the kayak's out Saturday afternoon. fifty back on your order, you can keep it if you want”
“I’d rather just return it Daniel”
“You’d rather lose $171 than get 150 back and keep it for less money than you could buy it anywhere else. That’s what you’d rather do ?”
“Basically yes”
“Because why?”
At this stage I threw in a beauty. “Because I feel dirty dealing with a dishonest trader”
“Well I’ve just listened to the archives sir and can hear you agree to the warranties. I said I’ll make it ninety nine and I’ll cover both lenses for you and you said aye, go ahead and add it on. Yeah that’s right, I have it”.
I knew he had nothing of the sort. One he hadn’t had time to even rewind the non-existent tapes and two I knew I hadn’t said that. He was on the ropes.
“Okay, well you have it and that’s fair enough. How do I return the goods then?”
“One second whilst I generate your return number”.
His voice returned seconds later. “I’ll make you one last offer. Either you send $171 or I’ll refund you $171. That’s up
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And stopped off for a rest on the way back. to you”. I refused, received the return number and ended the call.
The camera and associated cheap crap was packaged up in the same box in which it had arrived and dispatched by Megan via UPS, the trackable delivery company. This morning, Wednesday I checked on their website to find it had been received and signed for earlier this morning in Brooklyn, New York. Watch this space.
This week I have finally, finally become the recipient of an official California State Driving Licence as well as an additional two parking tickets, one for leaving the arse end of the Jeep hanging precariously over a red kerb and the other for failing to notice a road sign stating that the particular section of road that I’d chosen to park in was to be kept clear between certain hours to allow road sweeping services to be carried out. Makes me wonder why I objected so much to the camera incident when I appear to be constantly handing out free cash to the ‘City of Long Beach’.
Where there is a loss however, there also often seems to be a gain. The Galaxy are back in town tomorrow night, without
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Come in No. 9, your time is up. a win in seven games and having just parted services yesterday with both General Manager Alexi Lalas and Head Coach Ruud Gullit. Yesterday I e mailed Chad Cooper, the club employee with Canary connections I’d met at the last game to enquire after his well being and add, almost as an afterthought of course, a cheeky PS’d request for a ticket. He replied to tell me it was actually an away game against Chivas who ground share with The Galaxy and as such out of his control but gave me a number of a friend of his who works in a similar role for Chivas. This morning I called Galo and pick up my complimentary ticket to a sold out show from the box office before the game.
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This is your best blog thus far Matty Boy.You look like you've put on some weight finally too.I liked the way you mentioned the gammy knee in time for that golf day out of yours.The perfect excuse for only getting 23pts.(particularly with the 'Elvis' swing). Just take your mind back to that opening shot of yours at Carden Park!That video will actually be going up next week - put not the way you imagined it.