ALL ALONE

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Wed 01 Aug
Spend the morning in the nursery with Roseina and her son, its school holidays, he looks really happy to be spending his days there (NOT)

Erics parents come for lunch, they are really nice but again i feel left out of the conversation due to my lack of spanish, i can read it better than i understand it and spend some time with daniela learning some phrases. i teach Daniella how to say "butter" she pronounces it like with an english accent, haha! Daniella cooks awesome garlic and herb infused potatoes (with mayonaise on the side) salad and yummy rice risotto. erics mum is cool, she us 49 but looks 30 and was an agricultural engineer for 25 years, hence the organic farm and nursery.

clean the bath and trim the plants around it. also clean the big cabinet next to my bed, move some camping stuff that was there and a hundred slaters run out from under and under the cabinet, fucksake!!! tonight i feel so lonely, everyone has gone to valle, Daniella and her partner to cook at the hotel and Eric to get paint so i can paint the tack room, and i have my first night alone in the ranch, no wifi, and i miss brent, stupid i know, having only met him saturday night but the sex was great, he spoke english and was fun to be around even though he was only 19. i wish him all the best on his journey.

i am seriously questioning my reasons for being here in a country where i speak no spanish, know no one, in the middle of nowhere in a run down farmhouse with over half the lighbulbs missing, limited hot water, and one of those old fashioned scrubby things with soap to wash your clothes and a FUCKEN GAZILLION FLIES!!!! i dont understand the flies, sometimes they all hang out in one place, like the kitchen, then its like a road trip and they fuck off somewhere else in the house (my bedroom) (the couch) (the kitchen) having mass orgys on the way, grrrrrr!!!!

why? why? why am i here??? WTF am i searching for???? one thing is certain, i need to develop more gratitude for what i have in life. The local mexians have fuck all! .....even living in a hotel for 18 months and getting a shitload of money i was still not happy! ....i yearn for inner peace and maybe a soulmate, not to complete me but to complement me. ...i also have BAD PMT which could explain why i feel so emotional😞

i will wait and see what the next few days bring and maybe email shayla and see if i can go to coatepec early. Go to internet cafe and the stupid computer craps out so go home and am now drinking a modelo beer and contemplating the joint brent forgot to take. i decide to write the events of the past couple of days....heres hoping tomorrow will be better.

there is a blowfly in the room!

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