Homer's Hardware Ch.2

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2. Genesis : ch1 v.3 and Homer Created Homer’s Hardware

Homer’s Hardware store is my place of employment. It is not gainful. It is maddening. I have been an employee at Homer’s Goddamn Hardware store for 1 year, 8 months and 12 days. It feels like a fucking prison sentence that I don’t know when will end. At least the suckers in prison have a sentence. For me it’s partly a matter of motivation, and partly a matter of firmness of mind. I hate it enough to get out, but I don’t know what I’m going to do. I take comfort in my discomfort, however, as it ensures that I’m not like the rest of the sheep who want to make a career at a fucking hardware store. Two days in this place was too fucking long.
Well, I guess I should explain a bit about Homer’s, so you can have a picture of the kind of horse-shit I put up with.
Homer is an American chap who used to work for Bros.’ Hardware. Bros. was the biggest American retailer through the sixties, seventies and eighties until Pawel’s Mart (a Slavic invention) opened and decided to take over the world, kicking Bros’ down to second place. Second place is good for a hardware store, considering that Pawel’s sells everything Bros.’ does, as well as groceries, clothing, car parts and children’s toys not to mention their services like eye doctors, plumbers, in-home renovations, mechanics and dry cleaning (a Pawel’s Mart is roughly the same square footage as three city blocks and takes half an hour to walk from one side to the other on a heavy traffic day). The higher powers of Bros.’ (the Gorski Brothers) found this to be an unacceptable problem and gave their CEO’s four months to fix it. The higher-ups, Homer amongst them, racked their brains for ideas trying to offer services and products that would win back the people of America and the world (a few of the lesser know and unsuccessful ideas were the at-home car cleaning service, the at-home potted plant care service and Bros.’ sock delivery service). Homer’s idea was to install mini amusement parks and a day care services in all of the Bros.’ locations to keep snot nosed, whining children occupied so their parents could waste their money on over-priced, aesthetic home improvements in peace.
The idea worked at first. At the pilot locations, consumership was at an all time high with the convenience of the day care service (hamster maze play pens), as well as an expanded line of products. Now, one could leave their brats in the care of “trained” Bros.’ staff members and purchase not only the standard yellow and orange extension cords but now had a plethora of colors and options to choose from (“Oh, honey, I just don’t know… this one is pink, which is my favorite color, but the blue one comes with a set of international outlet adaptors… you just never know when we might have to bring an extension cord abroad,”). More time in the aisle wasn’t a problem; the kids were taken care of.
Then there was the incident. This incident is glazed over in all of the propaganda videos Homer’s employees are forced to watch on a bi-monthly basis. In the videos, Homer is unjustly dismissed from his position in an “upper management coup” and uses his severance, along with a little help from his banker and Wallstreet friends, to start a new chain of hardware stores. The whole story is very triumphant and tear-jerking, with a little ‘praise-be-to-God’ for good measure. The video wouldn’t be complete without mentioning that Homer’s overtook Bros.’ for second largest retailer in the world. Poetic Justice? Only according to the propaganda.
As far as the Homer’s Hardware propaganda engine is concerned, Homer’s was formed the way that many multi-billion dollar companies are formed; through the blood sweat, personal finance and tears of its founding fathers.
Homer was fired for sexually harassing a costumer. Homer was not mean or malicious. Homer isn’t a pig. Homer doesn’t have a raping, sexually harassing, inappropriately behaving bone in his body. Homer wouldn’t look twice at Pam Anderson walking butt-naked through one of his own stores. Homer is gay. But, when a customer runs through the main aisle of a superstore screaming about how a fifty year old man in a blue and yellow apron grabbed her ample mammaries, well, someone has got to lose their job. Especially when she threatens to go to the press. It went down like this:
Homer was visiting a flagship store in Cooperstown, Pennsylvania to oversee the grand opening of his latest hamster-maze/childcare center. The afternoon was spectacular. It was a gorgeous June day; not too hot, and breezy with the kind of breeze that flirts with sundresses and leaves men (not Homer) hoping for a good gust. There was a blue and yellow-stripped tent in the parking lot where the store manager barbequed hot dogs and hamburgers for the clientele. The smell of charred meat and tofu (got to have something for the vegetarians) floated pleasantly in the air. The only thing that could have made the day better was sweet corn and cold beer, but you can’t license a parking lot barbeque and sweet corn was a least a month away. It was a perfect day and it all came crashing down on Homer when he made his fatal mistake.
Homer was standing by the ball pit of his new installed gigantic hamster maze, admiring the brilliance of his creation. An over weight woman with a tremendously large bosom (we’re talking watermelons, folks) who could, in no way, be considered the least bit attractive, was yelling at her daughter.
“Suzy! Get out of the ball pit! It’s filled with pee!”
Homer thought, fuck you, bitch. My ball pit doesn’t have piss in it. It’s brand-fucking-new.
Suzy had other things on her mind. Ball pits were fun, and so what if there’s a little tinkle in it. It couldn’t kill her. Her socks weren’t even wet. This pit of balls was filled with all the colors of the rainbow (almost as many colors of balls as there were colors of extensions cords), which would cover her to her waist and she could even throw them at other kids, like the boy sitting in the corner picking his nose. She dove for the pit and Suzy’s fat, ugly mother dove for Suzy. Her huge boobs must have thrown her off balance because she ended up pitched over the edge of the pit with her feet straight up in the air, unable to right herself. Homer, in an attempt to save her from drowning in a sea of potentially urine soaked ball pit balls which may have resulted in a lawsuit, reached into the pit with both hands and pulled her out. By the boobs. And that was that. Suzy’s hideously unattractive mother (with the big boobs) sprayed out the word,
“PERVERT!!”
She hissed at Homer,” I’ll sue!” The words no CEO of anything wants to hear. How could Homer explain to his superiors that it was an honest mistake, and if the bitch cut back on the secret sauce and super-size fries, she probably wouldn’t have fallen in in the first place. He couldn’t; not without admitting his homosexuality, which might end up with his being fired anyway (Bros.’ was a God-fearing organization).
“I’m very sorry, miss,” Homer stammered, attempting to maintain his composure and big-wig façade.
By this point a crowd was gathering like carrion to a carcass.
“ I was only trying to save you from the ball pit,” he realized how ridiculous this sounded as the words left his lips.
“I won’t hear it,” said Suzy’s unattractive, big-titted mom, “ I’m suing Bros.’ and insisting you be fired. You won’t be able to run a hotdog stand by the time I’m finished!”
And Homer lost it.
“You look like you ate a hotdog stand,” Homer replied in such a matter-of-fact voice that the crowd began asking each other if they thought it was possible that she actually had. So Homer left, leaving Suzy’s mom sputtering for words and the crowd staring at her, debating the probability and physics of ingesting an entire hotdog stand.

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