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Published: October 28th 2010
People, friends always tell me I have so many stories to tell, no matter how small they are, I like to think they bring pleasure to peoples ears. So I'm playing around with words and will save the true comedy for my chance to become a real author... you never know hey! I'll try keep you amused nonetheless 😊
Vancouver - British Columbia So my first base is Vancouver, voted the best city in the world to live in, and it's clear to see why. This place has it all, the coast, the mountains, cool city, snow, sun, nice people and lots of healthy living. My hostel on Jericho beach is perfect for a daily early morning run up the beach to breath in the coastal air and to smile like a crazy person at the other joggers, punching the sky high fiving yourself as you stare at the mountains all around.
Eric is 70 and volunteers at the hostel to take groups on city/mountain/forest hikes and really puts most of us to shame. He does this for free, he is patient, kind, immensely travelled, superfit, and just a great guy. Makes me think of grandad immediately, these old
guys are made of the good stuff. So my first day is spent with Eric and other travellers and I quickly learn my way around the city, see a movie being shot, clock all the landmarked buildings, including where ghostbusters had its final scenes, amazing to know how many blockbusters were filmed in Vancouver...wonder if I can get a part somehow as an extra?? Chinatown filled with flattened smoked ducks and crazy smells and insects to eat, East Hastings contains all the trolley real estate, drugs, crazies, prostitution. Oh yes, it's still there, even in the best city in the world, in fact it looks so much worse as it's so contained to that one area, a no go zone for sure, it needs cleaning up. You can't have a city that's so clean living and health conscious with laws dictating you can't drink alcohol in public areas like on picnics etc, when there is a place that exists and police turn a blind eye?
Back to the good stuff! Trekking through the rainforest (an hour on the bus away) towards Lyns Canyon was camera pap heaven as the vast of green hugs you immediately. The sun shines through
the cold air and it feels smooth in my lungs. I meet a northern girl in the group, and it's nice to be able to chat and laugh (and smoke...feels dirty in such a nice place...note to self...must give up once this packet has gone). I meet up with her again the following day with another English girl, and we visit Granville Island and its food markets and buskers. The small ferry takes us, everything is new and different and I'm grateful to have some company whilst I find my feet, albeit flippers 😊
We wander through museums and Yaletown and gawp at the overpriced waterside apartments, 2 bed penthouse box, yours for $26mill! The city is pretty young, as in its a new city that hasn't been around for long, so no real heritage or roots, it's still finding its feet and discovering who it is. Most people are either wearing yoga gear or north face 😊 I love it! Most important thing that seems in fashion that everyone wears, is a smile. It's a little unnerving at first because being a brit you automatically assume they are either crazy, drunk, or want something from you. Wrong. People
are just nice. It's awesome!
I meet up with a friend I made in Barbados, Ignacio, Natcho for short and at 45 I tease and tell him he's definitely having a mid life crisis (confirmed later on when I learn he also has leather pants). Natcho lives in Kitsilano, a great boho urban area. Every other shop is organic and its clean and cool. Architecture on the houses are quaint, although they are built to close together? Japanese Tapas (I love this!) in Hapa in kits is trendy and tasty, dragon roll of eel and avocado washed down with green tea MMMMMmmm! Natcho is a great guy, knows everything about the city, what's hot and what's not (working in film has this advantage of knowing where all the cool stuff is!) Oh and he gets to smooze with the celebs...yeah dude Ben Afflick is actually a great guy to work with....ha!
Natcho loans me his beach cruiser, a bike with footbrakes only, it's actually really cool and I take a 30k bike ride from Jericho around the seawall upto Stanley Park. I meet up with a friend of Adams from work, Marcus who has lived in Vancouver for over
5 years but still has his good old Yorkshire accent 😊 Marcus joins me for the ride around Stanley park and I learn all about his journey, brits are so nosey but so willing to share!! We grab some sushi and I get myself an invite to his friends thanksgiving dinner for the Sunday whoop! Stanley park is lovely, a true gem of the city with the seawall all around it, it's easy to see why it's so popular. Gutted I didn't see a racoon though! Yoga tonight in Kits with the cool people, my arms are crap and weak which annoys me and plots death of the accused instead of visualising Buddha's and candles and peace....
Back with Eric again on Friday, and me northern bird who takes us to Capilanso, through the forest where films like 'kiss the girls' and 'twilight' were filmed. The forest is beautiful, and again just an hour out of the city on the bus. We walk on the Canada translink route which if you followed it all the way would take you to new york. Take you a couple months I think 😊 I'm forced to walk the suspension bridge, it's crazy
how I seek adrenalin but I'm such a pussy when it comes to heights these days, although I'm chasing the adventures which usually involve knicker changing heights. Hmmmm fight the fear, ignore the death drop and the way the bridge bounces and sways when a thousand Japanese tourists jump their way over it trying to get past your stuckfast hands on the rails.
I simply love Eric and all that he stands for, he has travelled the world 9 times and has visited every continent. He has been taking these free tours for 15 years and is published and acknowledged in the lonely planet. He never married, and seems happy with his choices, at the end of the tour I tell him how great he is and give him a healthy tip and smooch, I also follow it up with an email to him letting him know that what he does is so great for travellers and that should he ever come to England to look me up for a trek across the Pentlands with my brother 😊 I receive a heart-warming reply, which I will keep for myself.
After the long trek, I feel like it's too
early for bed and the international Film Festival is in town so I decide to check out a completely abstract cultural film that I wouldn't usually choose...lemme see....Spanish...ok....I know a little and it has subtitles...filmed in Mexico...good...support film industry in poorer countries...homosexuality and death....oooo gritty and controversial..LOVE IT! 1 ticket please, after 10 minutes of the subtitled documentary and my gay guys either side of me tutting I start to feel heavy..dopey..dizzy...SHIT! I suddenly wake up with one of those huge sleep nods you do with a fright, the gay guys are still tutting and I sheepishly wipe the slobber off my chin and watch the final 5 minutes of the film...oooppss.
Saturday, I meet up with Renea, an ozzy chick I met on Eric's tour and we set out to hike up Grouse mountain, it's raining but I'm not deterred. The track is steep and the rain makes it slippy and parts of it are like walking up a gorge. My balance isnt great (clubfoot) and I'm scared of slipping (mangled arms) and my lungs are heaving (menthols ...note to self must stop smoking) but I'm just loving being outdoors everyday having this on your doorstep! The deal with
the Grouse grind is if you make it to the top, you only have to pay $10 on the gondola on the way back down, otherwise its $40. Niiice 😊 I set a good pace for my 10 years younger ozzy, but she effortlessly climbs the track as I heave and wheeze (did I mention I was giving up fags?) The record for getting up there is 27 minutes, we manage 1hr 10, not too bad considering the conditions (and the fags). The top of the mountain boosts a chalet and some grizzly bears and a big log fire to rival any love story. We check the grizzly's out and dry off and watch some naturist movies before swinging back down on the gondola.
It's the Canucks first game in the play offs tonight on TV and Natcho invites me to Silvies his friends for pizza and beers and loads of sports talk. The group are really friendly and make me feel welcome, I accept the Brit jokes gracefully and ask as many annoying dumb blonde questions about the game as possible laughing to myself secretly at the excitement that it induces. The game is great for a non
Ice hockey fan, its fast and rough! No false injury throws to the floor, this stuff is real, the blood, the broken teeth on the ice, the naughty box! I decline after hockey drinks on broadway and head back to hostel HQ for some much needed rest Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
What better way to start your Sunday with a full body massage MMMmmmm.
Masseur 'so what's your name?'
Me 'Chelle' said smiling
Masseur 'lie down and relax, how does this feel?'
Me 'Goood, thanks!' still smiling
Masseur 'so where you from then, sounds like England, I've been to England before, my cousin lives in London, bla bla bla bla blab blab'
Me 'WHAT THE FUCK SHUT UP!' said in my head...'really' I grunt
Luckily she only talks for 5 minutes and my pressure points and joints relax out of the karate chop position my body has suddenly found itself in. I head to Natchos for a cuppa on his decking and then onto meet Marcus for thanksgiving dinner at Sarah's in Gastown. Sarahs place is amazing, overlooking the coast and the mountains, what more could you ask for, well around $300k would buy you one of these smaller apartments...Sarah is from
Manchester and has lived in Van for 5 years and works in Marketing, she's interesting and clever and genuinely warm and I can see why her and Markus are good friends, they are both good people. More friends join, Canadians, Americans, new yorkers, and the company is good 😊 Dinner starts with homemade cocktails appletinis and Thanksgiving isnt the usual pumpkin pie and roasties, it's a cheesy risotto with pumpkin and a crazy pasta dish that tastes of bread and butter pudding. A weird combo but delicious nonetheless. The conversation is about books, and authors, and film and careers and laughing and...what's that suggestion??? Each of us are asked to declare why we are thankful to the group...I move from panic to snigger thinking...come on!!!! Are you guys for real??? But over the course of the meal I warmed to the idea and took the opportunity to be thankful for the opportunity to travel and for nice people who befriended strangers and allowed them into their homes and lives making them feel welcome and safe. In my head I kept to myself that I was most thankful for the health of my family, especially you J. What is everyone thankful
for right now, this second?? What would you say to a table full of strangers?
NEW BLOG BATCH ADDED
TOFINO - Vancouver Island I leave for Tofino Monday, which is on Vancouver Island. Don't be fooled Van Island is the size of England, its huge and houses its capital Victoria. Tofino is surf county and I'm expecting beauty with a capital B. It's meant to rain a whole lot, but supposedly that makes up half the beauty??? Do these people know I hate rain????? Anyhow, after slumming it in hostels, and walking and bussing it everywhere, I opt to fly. Its $160 more expensive than my $40 coach ticket, but it takes an hour, rather than 6 hours. Big mistake. The panic creeps as the pilot talks with a Bruce Lee mouth, noise that doesn't synch with his slow moving hole. Something about thunderstorms and the 7 seater puddle hopper is delayed for an hour. OK, no problem....I've finished reading The Philosopher and the Wolf...finally...thanks Brian! It's a book that looks into the fact that wolves survive as a pack, and apes (now man - yes it's called evolution) survive by challenging each other, each fights for his
or her OWN survival. That's just how man is right? You get to the top by standing on others, you might not do it intentionally, but you do it alright, in everyday normal life. Pushing in queues, reaching for the ripest banana in Tesco's, studying harder than Jo Bloggs to get that promotion, and why? Because humans essentially live in a dog eat dog world man! I'm not promoting socialism, but is it really such a bad thing? The Philosopher ends up living with his own Wolf, true story, and he becomes a pack. It's a very interesting, but dark book (lots of fags required), so I need something silly and easy after the head wrecker. I bookswap for 'sick puppy', christ almighty more dogs???? So getting stuck into sick puppy, I ignore the knots of fear as the black clouds loom in taunting me, knocking on the window to let me know they are waiting for me...up there. Bruce Lee is back on the speakerphone now, letting us know it's too dangerous to fly into Tofino so we will divert to Port Alberto, and get a bus from there. So in we
pack.
Sweat.
Drink.
IPOD.
Read.
Drink.
Fan.
We hop into the greyness and immediately start to rattle, how did I only just notice that Bruce Lee mouth is only about 14yrs old, and why is that man staring at me, and how come she is holding a sick bag, where is my sick bag, I don't have a SICK BAG!!!! I need a fag. I promise after this flight if I'm still alive I will give up. Fan. Drink. Read. IPOD.
Lee mouth gives up trying to get us to Port Alberto, and leans back and tells us that he is diverting to Beach Qualico, as its safer to land. FIIIINNNNNNEEEEEEE!! Just get us down!
We land safely, of course. I'm so dramatic, I really need to do more yoga and curb this erratic force that is always looming ready to take over. We wait for a bus to take us to the port, at the port we transfer to another bus that takes us to Tofino, I'm last to be dropped at my Hostel, Whalers on the Point, but it's OK another 5 minutes to the EIGHT HOUR journey
that cost me $160 more than a coach ticket and 5 sets of spare knickers.
The hostel is cool, right on the water's edge and looking out to so many scattered islands. I'm panic shattered so decide to head to bed with my sick puppy and hot chocolate and be up ready for the surf in the morning. I book myself a few lessons and head down to Chesterton Beach, the massive surf competition is on there called Cold Water ONeill classics and the beach is full of professional dudes man like woooooaaahhhh check out the waves! The water is so cold we need wetsuits and booties, with strict instructions not to pee in them...but I can see why you'd want to get some wee warmth satisfaction. I just love surfing OH MY GOD, after some beachside tuition, and freezing learning your hop ups, we get straight to it. I've surfed in Oz before but nothing like this, it's just fantastic. I have a 9 foot board and I'm in the white wash (its still pretty big though) and oh yes, I'm surfin and standin!!! This is perfect sport for me to get into, you can fall and not
hurt yourself yyeeeeaaahhhhhh no more broken arms! You just get really wet and COLD! 3 hours in the water practicing my hop ups and absorbing everything, your mind clears and you're just waiting for the right wave to cruise in. Don't get me wrong I look like a jelly straight out of the fridge and my disembark at the end of the wave usually ends with me headfirst, board over body, snot splattered and covering my head for fear of the board whacking me, so a long way to go before I reach Cameron Diaz status..but California calls so I will get back on the warm waves there. I take a few lessons over the course of the week, but the waves are too high and dangerous for me to attempt the green waves for now so I master the white wash and learn all about off shore winds and how waves are created from swells out in the ocean when the weather hits.
Tofino is beautiful, really lush and green islands everywhere, reminds me of Thailand, but rainy 😊 I've been lucky though and the sun is shining although it's really cold. Back in my dorm I
meet Cortney from California, not far from San Jose and we end up travelling together for the next week and a half sweeeetttttt! She's really cool and had just done the Victoria marathon and was now travelling for a couple weeks. We talk about marathons and how I did the London marathon last year and she is real easy to get along with, we plan to meet in San Francisco. The hostel is full of Germans, it's ok, they're pretty noisy and the girls in my dorm wake me up grrrrr in the middle of the night, but it's ok I return the favour crack of dawn when I go for a run 😊 I have boat day that takes me to an island about 2hrs away and venture to the natural hot springs which is coved amongst the cliffs. See so much nature along the way including otters , bald eagles, grey whales and sea lions. The grey whale jets oxygen and air through his funnel and a rainbow appears like a magical spell. The waters at the
natural springs are so hot and pure you could make a hot chocolate straight from the flow, damnit forgot the marshmallows! I strip off and take a dip in the springs ahhhhhh its so gorgeous, the sea crashing up against the cliffs and forest all around against the dark rocks that the springs flow in from. We have a few hours here, so I take a pew in an isolated point on top of the rocks away from the tourists in their 'special' wet rock shoes and just chill....ahhhh......
'DO YOU LIKE MY AEROPLANE?'
'Wha...excuse me?'
I look up and manchild is stood in my personal space waving a toy aeroplane around making strange whirring noises. Great. Why do I always attract people from all walks and talks of life.
'Yeah your plane is cool 😊 Watch the side of the cliff hey, you're really close..'
'WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Do you wanna play with me?'
My eyes dart around for this guys carer, come on, somebody help me out, I just wanna relax man, not deal with manchilds and planes and making sure he doesn't fall of the cliff! Manchild seems to settle in a pool next to me, and
it's ok I can deal with it, even when I secretly open one side eye and see him still grinning at me staring, whirring his plane over my head as soon as he sees my lids move. Ah well, at least has happy and not loitering on the cliffs edge making me feel responsible for him. Carers who look after disadvantaged people have my upmost respect, really, it's a job that I selfishly could not do, there I said it. I couldn't do it. But it seems me and manchild are happy soaking in the rays and the day brings new thoughts to my mind.
Back at hostel HQ, I'd seen this chick a few times around the town and as I was outside having a smoke she comes over and sits next to me, she starts chatting in surfer dude language about the comp, had I surfed, did I check out the waves yesterday, am I going tomorrow. I start to tell her, yes Id seen the comp, yes Id been surfing but just a beginner, yes.....PPPPAARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP! What the fuck????? I look at her in disbelief because not only did she just blatantly fart DEAD LOUD, she lifted
her ass cheek in my direction and did it as I'm in mid conversation.
'Oh sorry dude, but at least the wind direction is blowing the other way right'
My face has gone dead red and I'm still in shock, I don't say anything and she clearly gets that I'm not impressed. My theory is that she is actually a lady garden lover, she looked the type, short hair, oversized baggy jeans, tomboy face, big boots and she was coming to chat me up and that maybe the fart thing is a way to check out if you're up for it?? I think I was expected to lift up my ass cheek and simultaneously fart back at her to indicate that I too was a lady garden lover?? I mean what else could she have been doing??? Note to self. Must DEFINATELY give up smoking to avoid being farted at by local lesbians.
I indulge into my book, it's actually really good and up my street. It's based on a tree hugging, animal lover nutcase trying to make the world a better place by stalking and punishing those who wreck nature. I can relate to that 😊
More surfing
and biking around, and I check out a gig on my last night with a guy called Mishka singing reggae and looking bombed. The gig is full of slutty surf groupies and stoners, I decide it's best not to try and make friends, even though I'm in the know with the farting chat up scenario. But no such luck on trying to enjoy the beats with my corona on my own, a yeti approaches me and mumbles 'HMhkdjhkef kjcfhdeucjn mkjjkhhhhddbbbbbb' I can't actually see his face, as his 80's style permed hair is slicked and securely held in place over his whole head, it would make a good mop anyhow. I tell him I don't understand him, he lifts the hair curtain that's almost a foot long to reveal the biggest bloodshot stoner eyes ever. I'm like 'woooahhhhh you are stoned!' to which he defends himself in grunts with something along the lines of 'don't judge me man, I'm the guy who records the surf competition' and walks off. Alrighty! The gig livens up, but my hot chocolate and bed calls and I grab my bike and pedal back to safety. Cortney and I grab the coach home, which takes
us on the ferry and I'm able to kick back and watch the sunset from the back of the ferry listening to Nora Jones...I feel warm and long for someone from home to smile and feel this good with, I think of Will and what he's doing now, my lil sissy bliss and Dylan, and this makes me feel a little sad... Get a grip, it's only been a couple weeks! I run my necklace gifted from my street dance posses and switch to smack my bitch up and enjoy the sky turning pink as we sail back to Vancouver.
I've convinced Cortney to stay at Jericho Hostel with me, but we're placed in the army barracks dorm with 13 more girls and ONE lightswitch...uh oh... I catch up on laundry and settle in for the night with sick puppy. Morning comes quick, and the sun shines so I grab my runners and head up the shore to Wreck beach, the local nudist beach to see if I can gawp anyone NAAAT, it's just a really nice run of around 6k. Multiples of bikers, hikers, jogging, dog walkers cruise the shorelines and the mountains peer over the ocean and
make you just wanna run faster! Cortney and I have booked to go on the Moose adventures Rockie mountains tour that leaves on the Tuesday so we have a few days to kill in Vancouver again which is good. I get some errands done, book tours, hostels, coaches, sunbed, er I mean...what...I need a tan!!! And normality!!! I meet Bill again at the hostel, he was there when I was last week and we chatted each night before bed. He's 76 and Canadian, just a lovely sweet old guy I learn that Bills wife died ten years ago, and when she did he packed up all of his things and put them in storage, and travelled, and hasn't gone back home again yet. It's sad but I have hope for Bill, he's interesting and gentleman like, he tells me about his life in Canada and how his friends have recently moved to Sunshine coast in west Vancouver, and how they want him to join them and set up a new life out there, go get his stuff out of storage and live again. I want him to join them too...I make sure I eat my breakfast with
Bill the next couple days and enjoy his company lots.
Sunday Cortney and I head to Hot Yoga! It's basically yoga done in a room that's 40 degrees, its mainly Hatha yoga, google Bikram if you're interested. It's really challenging and its more about the breath and withstanding the heat, you sweat sooooooo much, and it feels like you have detoxed completely when you finish. It's my new thing! Cortney introduces me to 'London Fog' an earl grey latte with a squirt of vanilla and I'm immediately addicted. I'm trying to avoid all commercial chains like Starbucks and opt for the local coffee organic shops which are much more fun and cool. Natcho has promised to take me to West Vancouver today and we head out to Cypress Bowl with views that peek over the trees and the cities shorelines, the clouds clear and the cargo boats twinkle in packs, it really is a beautiful city. Arv, Natchos friend has offered up his spare season holders ticket to the Canucks Ice Hockey game and at 15 rows back from the ice, I'm thrown into full on blood and elbow hooks action. The game is so fast
and it's hard to follow the puk, Arv does his best to answer my million questions whilst I'm flying my tourist GO CANUKS GO FLAG. We wash the game down with apple cider, Mexican wraps and hot cinnamon bite size donuts IN MY BELLY GET! The fans are pretty quiet though, unlike a footy game, and they have to rev the crowd up with big screen notices and rave music blasting out with MAKE SOME NOISE FOR THE BOYZZZZZZZ! The fans go wild when the mascot killer whale comes out and chomps on kids heads and fires out freebie t-shirts with a big power gun. I'm really into it, even though the sport is so much rougher than footy, its definitely a family, and female thing to do, if I decide Canada is my place then I'm becoming a Canuks fan for sure 😊
Cortney and I head to hot yoga again the following day, I really want to invest in all the lululemon yoga gear and get a monthly season pass and be all yoga yoga yoga yoga maaadddddddd! I miss the spiritual side a little but I'm really loving how the hot yoga is easier on my mangled
limbs, so it should strengthen me up soon hopefully. Constant bookworming has left my left elbow stiff again so I head into town to seek some physio and stumble across a Chinese medicine and therapy joint. I book in for a full body massage and some Chinese therapy on my elbow. Tony my cute Chinese therapist immediately pulls off my towel as I lie face flat on the bed and reveals my teeny leopard skin thong...DIEEEEEEE OF SHAMEEEEE. Just relax, it's ok, he's not a perv, he's a professional and he's just straightening your towel. Curb the erratic thoughts remember. I actually get the best massage of my life and he prods pressures points I didn't know existed and although its painful at first, it leaves me with a hot fuzz feeling inside the bones. The work he does on my arm with Tiger balm is just as effective and immediately I feel less in pain and stiff. I learn that Tony was a doctor working in the trauma section in a hospital in China, but moved himself and his family
to Vancouver for a better life and more money. WOW...a trauma doctor turned leopard skin thong perv masseuse??? Seriously, he is a great guy and I healthy tip him and vow to be back. I post some papers and info to Grandad and call into mummy and Gdiddy and feel good about life 😊 I get some sushi on the way home but Natcho takes me to a cool vege place for dinner called Namm instead and I think about making more friends in my dorm by ordering the bean chilli 😊 Before I head out I give my sushi to a down and out guy who speaks to me when I'm outside the hostel smoking He is a 50+yr old Canadian who lucked out with work and spent his cash drinking and sold his car and I can't help but feel....so what?? You brought this on yourself drinking and thinking it would be ok. Anyhow, I'm still a mug for a sob story so I find him and give him my sushi. He tells me
he hasn't had sushi before so when I get back from dinner he shouts to me
'Hey! What was that green piece of sushi?' all red faced and wild eyed, and seemed a bit disgusted and pissed off
'errrr avocado maybe??' thinking ungrateful sod
'Well it fucking BLEW MY HEAD OFF' he shouts spitting at passers by
'I guess you ate the wasabi whole then didn't you?' .....clown.
I go to bed laughing, maybe he'll give up drink for the wasabi hit instead, not such a bad idea for alcoholics to consider :P I cram 10 days worth of clothes into my backpack and store my big case and swap my book for Generation X by Douglas Coupland a Vancouver author recommend by Sarah my thanksgiving host. I immediately love the kooky style of writing and the new words to define things. Anyone ever had a 'Mcjob'? It's a job that's underpaid, gets you nowhere, and nobody thanks you for it. I have! Brilliant 😊 The book focuses around 3 main characters who decide their shitty lives aren't worth living and they up sticks and move to Palm springs and fill each with stories, both true and also completely fictional.
Again, I can relate and my elbow slowly stiffens again as I can't put it down.
The ROCKIES! The Moose tour takes us over the Rockies in Alberta over 7 days, and the group starts with 16 travellers, mainly Australians. I was convinced that ozzies never left Australia but am obviously proven wrong as they are all over Canada. Aside from Robin and Ron I'm the oldest croonie onboard, but I have Cortney my new BFF to enjoy the ride with. Most of the trip we see by our Moose bus, which is great as I can relax into my book and watch the mountains whizz by with stops off the beaten tracks to adore the scenery.
First stop is Hope town, a little village that sees the massive 35 million strong salmon run swim up the river to their final destination after battling the Atlantic, the bears, the currents, the fishermen, to spawn and then die. Nature is amazing, how do these fish find their way back to the same place year upon year and live in this way?? I find my way reading memorial benches and thinking of Nan, of nice things, her smile and how
people like me will be reading her name out aloud on her bench, smiling and remembering. I'm broken from my memories by 'Randy' a local musician with hands so dirty I don't want to shake when he offers it out to me. Randy tells me about his life in Hope village, how he was once a thriving musician and song writer, he pulls out his cd from his bumbag to prove it, well better than breaking into song. I decide to let go of my natural defences of wondering how I can escape this conversation and dirty hands and listen to his story of wanting to achieve sales of 30 thousand and how he is over halfway there. He tells me the story of the salmon run and how its only this big every 4 years, and that right now on the river, canoes filled with locals beating drums and singing are welcoming the huge feast that awaits the country of BBQ salmon a plenty.
Jim our couch driver and tour guide is a young guy and gets us to our first stop at shuswap lake in time for dinner. The hostel is owned by a guy from Devon,
he's loud and he picks up my accent and starts hammering me on how crap Liverpool are playing right now. Eh?? I'm female. I'm not interested in footy! Besides I'm a Canuks fan now!! The dorm squeezes 8 girls into the tiny room and I'm on top again with Cortney, BUNKBEDS sleazebags! We wander down to the lake, and again I meet a nice old man walking his dogs, he has a place on the lake and he's from London originally but moved over to Canada as a child and hasn't looked back...I feel excited and frustrated all in one, desperate to know when my time is right and when I will find my new motherland. The lake is scattered with dead salmon floating all around, and lined up 5 deep on the shoreline. The group can't take the smell, but I sit in the sand alone and watch the purples in the clouds mix into the pink dusk and notice how the colour of the dead salmon also have the same colours and think that it's really quite beautiful. I sit and reflect on where I am, who I am, how grateful I am to have been able to
see this and even smell it.
The ozzies get rowdy and I turn in for bed and kept awake by the younger girls outside in the hot tub with some local rednecks, screaming and drinking and as it gets louder I wonder how many of them have wee'd in the tub and thinking how cool they are to be getting felt up drunk by some locals. I also wonder how long my yoga peace will last, and before I calculate my actions, a strange guy drunk local guy walks straight into our dorm and takes a piss in the bathroom and walks out. I bolt upright and leap from my bed, the other girls wondering what's going on. I shout to the idiots in the tub to quiet and to NOT use our room to piss in. I put my IPOD on and tell myself I will make many enemies of the hot tub gangbang.
Morning, and I'm tired and grumpy at last night's poor sleep, the shouting lasted until 2am until I gave up on my anger exhausted. I complain to young Jim and inform him that I didn't book on an 18-30's tour to
get pissed and fondled, I'd hoped that it was an outdoor adventure experience and that he should make that clear to the young ozzie girls before I ended up twatting them. How do you think Liverpool are playing now Devon Hostetler??? A call to my sis calms me down and we head off towards Banff. The scenery gets more exciting as the snow capped mountains and Elk spotting starts, I'm torn between window licking and bookworming, and decide to have the best of both worlds whilst taking some much needed Zzzzz's on the ride. We are greeted in Banff with some more Elk and the hostel is much more sleep friendly. I take an early night, and Cortney and I decide to take an early morning hike before the coach sets out again at 9am. We set out in the dark at 6.30am in the morning and realise that the town is too far to walk in the pitch blackness of the dawn, so we hitchhike down with a friendly bunch of local demolition guys on their way to way...hmmmm maybe not such a good idea since there are 3 of them and they blow things up, oh and the
doors are child locked. I grip Cortneys knee in silence and pray my mum doesn't find out. Luckily we don't get murdered and the guys drop us in town and we head for London Fogs and talk about Californian life and loves. As we head back up to the hostel, dawn has broken completely and the sky is dusty pink on the pale grey textured Rockies and I fiddle with my expensive camera and get blurrr after blurrr, I must read the manual grrrrrr.
We leave Banff and head to Jasper, stopping all along the way to gaze at ice blue waterfalls, canyons, glacier lakes, rain forests, stand on glaciers and feel the wilderness creep further in as we head deeper further north to Jasper. The conversation on the coach is mind numbing 'how old do you think Jim is' 'I think he's 28' 'I think he's 22' 'why don't you ask him how old he is' 'no you ask him' 'he's got a bald patch' WHO FUCKING CARES!!!! I've bookswapped with Cortney, moving onto 'Three cups of tea' about a climber turned peace keeping hero. It's a true story about Greg Mortenson who failed his mission to climb
K2, and ended up in a village in Pakistan lost without his guide and severely sick and dehydrated. The villagers bring him back to health and he learns of their culture and sees how they have no schools for their many children, and that hardly any girls are encouraged to study because most Muslims believe that women should tend to homes and family . He sets about a new challenge to build a school for them, encountering so many obstacles of fundraising, religion, hostility. Being American he is there when 9/11 hits but sees his mission even more important now as he builds schools all over Pakistan and Afghanistan hoping to educate children to want to be something in their lives, not to be dragged into fundamentalist schools preaching Islamic terrorism onto the western world. His motto sings 'This war will be won with books'. It's an emotional read, and made me gasp from page to page understanding so much about what Islam means, what Muslims are, no they aren't all terrorists, what men like Greg and the locals that help him have done for this world, and
more indulgently...what am I doing, what will I change in this world? My mind chatters..... So as you can imagine, the mush chitter chatter on the events of the hot tub gangbang and Jims baldspot are blanked out by real words as I bookworm deeper into the lives of the uneducated children and the war in Afghan.
Jasper Hostel is bang centre in the forest, there is no running water and minimal electricity. We are all housed into one log dorm, yes I'm on top again Cortney only does missionary 😊 We're informed that under no circumstances must any food whatsoever must be taken to the dorm as we are in bear country. Bears can smell us, and smell food from 3 miles away EEEK! The hostel has a main log hut which has a fire and a kitchen, its run by a quirky French Canadian called Michele. He's an unusual tree hugger type, massive receding hairline slaphead that he tries to hide with a greasy bandanna, but I know without question of a doubt, this guy has the wilderness experience to keep us safe and I follow his instructions very clearly. Main rule is that the drop pot,
that's the outside toilet in the spider infested hut in the darkness, along with the well to get your water, our log dorm, all must be gone to in pairs. PLUS we must sing, loudly. This is because there is nothing more scary than a bear that is frightened, therefore if you make a noise, the theory is that the bear will run away. My mind races back to swimming in the ocean in New Zeland with a pod of hundreds of wild dolphins with my twizza singing the grand old duke of york underwater urging the dolphins to skim our bellies as they race past us curious to the noise. Just how do you chose a song that is suitable for scaring bears, or enticing dolphins, and were the heck did grand old duke of york come from? Cortney and I decide that random whistle tunes with some lalllalalalalaaaaaa thrown in will do the trick as we head to the drop pot in the darkness kakking it.
Outside I meet a couple of travellers, one German who asks me what a word says in his book, its curtsey and I don't know how to describe it in words
so I simply give him a curtsey to which he is very amused. We have the same language for cigarettes and I haven't seemed to have jacked them in yet so join him for a chilly fag outside as Cortney calls home and sees a shooting star. A hobbit called Matt joins us and as usual I get the life story, I'm enjoying them now and starting to accept that I have one of these faces that says talk to me, I will listen and understand. Well I guess that's what I've been doing for the past 13yrs at Bizarre right? MattJake is a bus driver, and doesn't believe that he needs anything material in his life to survive aside from a roof over his head and food. He tells me about his love for isolation and the wilderness and nature and that he's only really truly happy when he comes out here to Jasper every month for the weekend to reacquaint his soul to the mountains and be at peace within himself. I like to hear people talk like this, and although it's a little farfetched for my liking I see his point somehow, but
I whistle anyway hoping that he too will have the same effect that a bear would have of my fearful tweet and not try anything weird like suggest we strip off and become one with nature, besides its too cold at -2 degrees and I've chain-smoked just to keep warm. I say goodnight to MattJake the hobbit and curtsey to the German, and Cortney and I whistle off to the dorm amongst the trees and layer up in preparation for the cold. It's an early morning start at 8am and we head back to Banff along a different route taking in more jaw dropping stops at lakes and dead moose and a zillion toilet breaks for the ozzies fired up on starbucks and alchopops. Lake Louise is amazing and we take the challenge to get into the posh hotel and get a maid to let us in a room on the top floor for the perfect snap, we find this is very easy to do even after Cortney has fleeced the room service trolley of mouthwash, conditioner and other washing treats! Guilt??? Never! Gimme the conditioner!
Different hostel in Banff, and it's almost luxury with a TV and jacuzzi!
One problem it's a mixed dorm and I'm left to a top bunkbed with a cockney geezer, seems ok, reckon I could take him down if necessary. Cortney and I seek out our London fogs and stroll around the town after dinner before a night filled with US cop drama on TV yeeeahhhhh! My peaceful sleep is broken by a phone. Beep beep... beep beep. Beep beep...beep beep. I'm annoyed. I climb down from my bunk and tell the strange OZZY chick to silence her phone, she's sweet and apologetic so I climb back to bed. Something is wrong. I'm not sure what it is in the darkness but I know something isnt right. IPOD in, forget it. Sleep.
In the morning Cortney and I head off to Yoga, when I notice that 'Romeo' below me has a teenage chick in his bed. NOT COOL. I decide that 7am is a good time for them to wake up and clank as much noise as possible before we head out.
Yoga is amazing, it's a session called Yoga Jam and faces the mountains. The sequences today are based on the back bend, and I'm frustrated that my arms can no
longer withstand a crab pose...the teacher is sympathetic and helps me with some alternative options and some homework to help strengthen. My competitive streak flares and I hate not being star pupil in the class, and even though yoga is about YOU and nobody else should matter, I'm not concentrating and my eyes flutter to the bendy crab girls in the class and makes me want justice. Karma. It will come. Patience. Determination.
We hire some bikes and bike up to the next town called Canmore, its 30k each way, but marathon runners that we are, should be no problemo. Courtney sets the pace and I chase her all the way The route takes us through bear, wolf, and moose land and there are signs all along the way to remind you, with a flimsy fence separating the paths. The mountains sour up either side of us and I grin madly as we weave through the trees, looking to the snow capped peaks loving every second. Yeah just in the Rockie mountains riding to another town for a London fog with my new BFF from Cali, it's all cool man 😊 Ha! Never stop
exploring.
Canmore is a town similar to Banff and has the '3 sisters' (just like me) which are three peaks of mountains level and next to each other. The town is much more local with less tourists and we grab some soup and fogs and plod around mooching in the shops for Halloween outfits. I've been invited to a party with Natcho and Arv back in Vancouver when I get back, and unlike most of the young excitable girls here opting for the costume in a bag deals, slutty witch and angel whore being most popular I decide I'll go as a cannibal redneck, piecing my own clothes together and buying a big grey tatty beard and greasy patriotic Canadian cap. Let me introduce you to Hannibal Hank William Junior! I intend to burp, fart, touch up the slutty witches and drink beer and scratch my arse! Can't wait. Hope I can make some new friends! We gulp in the streets and bike our way back to Banff, the ride takes just over an hour and it's a good work out teamed with some comedy photo opportunities. Fortunately for Romeo I'm in a better mood when I see him
back at the hostel, and I quiz him to let him know who is top dog around these parts;
'Sooooo Romeo? What kind of room is this?'
'huh...what ya mean it's a dorm innit?' Romeo replies
'Yes but what kind of dorm?' I stand firm, Cortney feeling my heart beat just a little quicker as Romeo knows what is coming
'Er just a mixed dorm innit gov' he face reddening
I smile condescendingly ' Yeah that's right cleverboy. A mixed dorm. not a COUPLES dorm. It is not cool for you to bring back girls to that bed whilst I am asleep on top of the bunk. not cool at all' and yes I mean that to any guy who is now reading this thinking WELL IN MATE!
Romeo attempts to stand his ground 'it was only 1 girl!'
Classic. Does he usually bring two back?? Needless to say, I know he won't be doing it again whilst I'm there.
Last Supper with my new BFF and we munch some sushi and Japanese after watching the baseball, Cortney is a big passionate fan and I hear her yelling at the TV from down the hall 😊 A new dorm
mate has arrived, a fresh young dumb and full of cum ozzie that I know will be trouble. We get up in the morning at 6am, much to our roommates delight and we hike out into the fresh morning air to enjoy the last hour we have together. We find ourselves in the posh hotel called Fairmount, with our fogs of course, and make our way to the spa and help ourselves to the free expensive face lotion before we get scowled at and make our way back as the light breaks through the clouds and the magpies swan die Cortneys head in our sleepy haze we scream and laugh and I suddenly feel homesick. After I say goodbye to Cortney we bookswap aaaaggggain and promise to meet in San Jose, near to San Francisco where she lives, and I leave with 'One Day' an easy romance read, but I'd prefer her company to bookworming and resolve myself to being back with the group and heading to Kelowna for the last night in the Rockies. I fall into my new book and manage to avoid the new sets of mind numbing conversation about fuck all on the coach and soon
we land in Kelowna, I disengage from the pack and dine solo and catch a movie in town, Social Network topped with massive popcorn sack and peanut butter m&ms...extra butter on that popcorn HELL YEAH! The movie is great, and I'm just going to admit it, I emailed him on FB when I got home and totally groupie stalked messaged him and tipped him to read 3 cups of tea. Who knows, I might get a reply one day!
6am hot yoga class has me up and out of the hostel by 5.30am, do you think I'm a fanatic yet? Hmmm hope so! The class is great, but the communal showers conversational women is a little overwhelming especially when all I can think is 'GET A WAX GRANDMA!' Seriously I just say these things out loud to make myself laugh, but really in all honesty I'm loving how pleasant everyone is and polite and friendly and eager to talk and share and listen. Canada has definitely restored my faith in people again, has helped me drop some of my wall and just let it be man! I clamber back onto the moose and as we head back to Vancouver
I'm grateful again for being here and meeting so many new people and seeing a real HUNGRY MOOSE!
I'm meeting up with Andy Santos tonight in Vancouver, my mums bezzie mate Karens, brother (not the nasty one - I never forget). Andy and his beautiful fiancé take me to Hapa again, but in a different part of town, the west end. It's good to see him, haven't seen him for about 15 years probably and he seems settled and grounded and shares his journey to Vancouver and we talk about Karen and my mum and old times, but mainly about the computer industry and how our paths have come close together in the industry and where we both want our lives to end. I eat a feast and am so tired, I make promises to revisit hopefully at their wedding??? Although he invites me up for xmas with his mum, could be good, but I think I will try Canada in summer next, maybe on a work visa.
I get to the coach station an hour early in the morning only to discover I've posted my ticket to Whistler to my grandad . I wonder when
he gets it he will try and take the coach and come over here?? I battle with the clerk relaying my sob sorry about the post and can she reprint my ticket pretty please. NO. I've made her day I can feel the satisfaction in her important train ticket dispenser role and all I can do is smile and thank her for her sympathy and buy another ticket. Grandad looks like you're coming to Canada! Whistler is awesome, and the snow falls and I'm consumed in more mountains and quaint village sights. I chose sleep for the rest of the day, I'm exhausted from the new sights and smells and population of twenty something aussies hungry for jobs on the ski slopes. I have some nice Germans in my room and the hostel is brand new and feels like a trendy ski chalet perched in the hills. I bus it to town in the morning and bag myself a geep tour up Blackcomb mountain with a south African family who have never seen snow 😊 The guide fixes the metal chains to the tyres to make the tread through the deep snow as we speed upto 6000 feet and knee
high snow. It's really amazing to be in snowfall and to look down from the top of the mountain to autumn colours and sunshine in the village. At the top there is some filming going on and our guide tells us that its Ashleigh McIvor a local girl who won the Olympic gold for cross ski this year. She comes over and starts chatting to me, lovely down to earth girl and I ask her about the competition. She's really humble and nice and simply says 'it was her time'...again my mind wonders to when will it be mine? She offers me her Gold medal to try on and we take some pictures in the snow, snow angels of course and the south Africans laugh with delight as their kids play and it's a happy moment in another day to remember 😊 Pink Floyd at its best....
After snowfun is over we head back down the mountain, it's a pretty limbo time right now as the village gears up for the big snow dump that's due any second. The conditions aren't quite there yet for ski-ing which is a bummer as I miss out, and yet it's too cold
and dangerous for hiking so I relax into reading and London fogs in the village with some shopping therapy for warmer clothes. I love the village, but its swamped with young grads all geared up in new bobble hats, knee length logoed hoodies and the latest in Nike retro trainers all talking up boarding and job hunting. I kinda feel like I missed out on this part of life, taking off in my twenties to life in a new country and work as a maid, bar tender, whatever is on offer that enables these kids to get ski passes and drink all night. But then I realise how much travelling I've been lucky enough to do anyway whilst having a career that's got me to where I am today, secure and ready to start my new life, a new chapter, a new business of my own, a new me. I relax my thoughts and think of my word. Determination. That what has got me here today and that's what will take me on further.
Today is Thursday and I'm thirsty for some adrenalin, and since the slopes are unbaked I chose to zipline 170 meters off the mountains, dangling
upside down and back to front on cables that reach from whistler mountain to Blackcomb, over valleys, rivers and the tree tops. As usual nerves get the better of me and I think 'WHY!' I hate putting myself through this fear everytime I have a great idea to plunge off some great height seeking that rush! But as I lunge through the trees across 2200 foot of cable I remember why, to remember I'm alive and to feel that rush of cold air underneath me as I slide across the ferns from tree top to mountain screaming in delight all the way. MORE!!!!! I meet some chatty girls from Midlands who invite me to meet up with them in Vegas and we laugh about getting older and vertigo and challenges we put ourselves through. The zipline chick is a kiwi and talks to me about my interest in Nelson and suggests Tasman as a potential coastal site I would enjoy, it goes on my list. After my adrenalin fill I London fog back to the hostel and spot a bear mooching in a garbage bin for food. The bus is too steamy for a camera shot damnit! I settle in
with the Germans for some tuna and noodles for dinner. Back to Vancouver tomorrow for Halloween weekend, and my alter ego Hank William Junior to make his debut appearance!
NEW BLOG BATCH ADDED
I learn that Whistler the gorgeous little village that it is was actually built on a garbage spot that was made for Vancouver. The Governers decided that the area was too pretty for garbage and so they cemented over it and built the town. With the escaping methane gases from the garbage, they utillised to naturally heat the homes. As the garbage disintegrates over the years, water and chemicals are pumped in to prevent the town from sinking. Can anyone smell it??? The town really is quite special and I know I shall be back for proper season weather, but its so beautiful to see Fall. I head back to Vancouver on the coach and gaze at the landscapes all the way back, starting to feel that Canada is moving higher up the stakes as the days go by. Doesn't music have a way of lifting your spirits so high, I reacquainted myself with Glasvegas, perfect! Whistler along with the rest of Canada are massive
on recyling and doing things in natures way, everything is eco, and bins for everykind of material, natural products, organic, woods, understanding, and most of all appreciation. The perfect environment for a retreat. I start making a list of everything that I want to learn going forward to follow the nature rules, but including avalanche awareness, bear safety, climbing ropes and tying knots, mountain safety, changing bike chains EVERYTHING !!!! Im grinning all the way back until I get to the final pages of the my 'One Day' book, and SHE DIES!!!!! WTF????? Apologies for spoiling the ending but CANNOT believe she dies! Bang goes my happily ever after theory! I swiftly move onto Microserfs, another Douglas Coupland novel, and quite apt having previously worked with Microsoft the book is based on that industry, so should be fun to read 😊
Im chief make up for Natcho's 'The Crow' costume and I impress myself with how good it is, although hes a toooooootal diva. Too much white, not enough on the eyes, thinner lines!!! Jeeeeeeeeez POKE IN EYE oops sorry!! Hank looks disgustingly fabulous and Im sticky with all of
the fake blood goo on my hands mixed with his grey tatty beard. The pre party is at an amazing waterfront condo on the beach looking out to grouse mountain 'ELLO! I meet the Mad Hatter, cheerleaders, zombies, gypseys, Burt Reynolds, flappers, football players, and they are geared for a party big time. How come adults back home dont go mental like this, why do we turn the lights off and pretend we're not home when the trick or treaters call?? Hanks getting some attention, I think most people are simply unsure of WHY? Much to my amusement 😊 The limos take us to the big party and they have really gone to town on the decor and everyone there is either Magnum, more mad hatters, and horraayyyyy loads of slutty witches. There isnt really ANY slutty witches, its just my theory on girls jumping on the chance to dress up like a slut of some kind, think Paris Hilton 😊 It just makes me laff, Hank has way more fun and smokes, and drinks beer aaaalllll night. He does however refuse the 'e bomb' offered....whhhaaaaaatttt? Who says that!?? And shouldnt you have been doing that 20 years ago?? Magnum
tries to impress me by letting me know 'Ive done well to get into a party like this, well done, you've got in the click of all clicks' Whhaaatttt? 'Move out the way dork, I need a pee and I have smoking to do outside, much more interesting than hearing you big talk yourself wearing a twat moustach. Thats not even straight. I have an awesome though time talking to different people, and enjoying their positive support when they hear of my venture plan to open a holistic retreat, but that could be the e bombs, plus there was lots of random hugging now I think of it. After what seemed like a 10 beers and a few dances it was hometime, but its only 3am?? Wow these guys party hard in a short space of time and get themselves home! Hmmmmm Im used to partying hard and then hard and then hard somemore and doing the WALK OF SHAME usually with the twizzle or the posh, some with the pp's and definately loads with the spade hands. In fact Street Dance kids YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE anyone want to see my nips!
After a hit and run
clubbing incident, Im in an alcohol coma and not prepared for the pain that is about to knock me sideways forcing me to be horizontal for most of the following day....I actually manage to get all my stinky laundry done SWEATY GOOCH, catch up on emails and internet surf researching the next steps. I venture out for the London fog and I really am never smoking again, I feel poisoned! A slutty witch walks down the street, and as my bloodshot eyes strain to look without 'looking' she cheerily shouts 'Happy Halloween' and in a proud and friendly voice! I just love this place! It happened to me on thanksgiving aswell, just a random lady approached me and said 'Happy Thanksgiving' These people are just geniune friendly lovebugs!!! And I cant wait to dive right in!!!
Stupidly watch 'The Killer inside me' vile and violent and simply disgusting film starring Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson. Do not watch if you dont like violence towards women. Natcho supplies thai noodles, hershey chocolate and jelly sweets galore to take the pain and yuk away yeahhhhh! Bed early, as I have a 4.30am wake up call to get me to the train station for 5am to get my train to Seattle, my USA journey will begin tomorrow, but I already know that Im going to miss Canada... a lot. I'll be back.....?
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Great write-up
That was a great read, thanks Chelle. Looking forward to the next chapter.