This is about all that I am, and even more about what I am not

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Jojo-Jacques Brel

One of the interesting things that happens when you move a lot, is that you constantly have to describe and define yourself to new persons. Some questions always come back, yes, but your perception of your own choices and habits will evolve. You will get to see some patterns in your mistakes, the orientation of your opinions will come out clearer and you will have a new look on your most senseless doings.
Because we all do things that ‘ do not need explanation’, we never had to justify them because we grew up somewhere where it was the norm, but that doesn’t mean that this common knowledge is so common everywhere. It has you thinking about the legitimacy of such doings. If you can not explain to someone else why and how you act in such a way, doesn’t it show that you are having trouble making sense of it in your own way? Is it legitimate then, to keep on going that way without really knowing why?
You should not be ashamed of yourself. I think we can all agree that it is not a comfortable position to be in than to have to hide a part of who we are or the reason why we are this way. Shame is always negative. From your brain to your brain; love, you are intimidating your own self. Either that or you are acting without thinking.
Being true and authentic is your own path to balance. When you are asked ‘why?’ On one of your beliefs and can’t voice it, you should take some time to reflect on that. And at least trust your guts. Sometimes the first answer you’ll have and keep on repeating for a while will be ‘it just didn’t feel right’ or the opposite. That means morales interrupted actions; that there is something wrong and you will eventually find what it is if you stay aware and work your own way around it.
I try to stay alert and notice my own behavior. The refreshing part of traveling is that people know you are going to leave at some point and that your relation to them is in its most concentrate form; no place for make-believes and feeling safety. Well, other travelers and balanced souls know that, anyway. It means that they will ask you when they do not understand without feeling misplaced or judged; and that they will point out your mistakes and wrong doings. They wont have to deal with your confusion or feelings for long; you are on the road and will leave eventually.
But me, in my anxious little head, I’ll turn it round and round. Instead of building anger and hammering the same conclusions I always had on the subject, I have now developed some kind of meditative state triggered by simple actions that will allow me to tame my ADHD for a while and lay an omniscient look on myself.
I have lived with my own imperfect person mostly alone for 7months now, I have come to peace with my biggest problems and am not trying to hide them anymore. This is who I am. I have known that part of myself since I was 15, but have now renamed it: what I thought was chronic depression is more like an anxious negativity. It comes back whenever I do not take care of my own equilibrium, but instead of letting it overflow me, I have come to recognize the warnings my body sends me and calmly deal with the blues.
Everyone has their lonely hours, their doubts, their blues and regrets. It is your own responsibility to understand the source of such waves and be at peace with them. Either be at peace or find a solution. Same goes for your awkwardness and ‘cognitive blockages’. Whenever something makes you uncomfortable or unsure about yourself, by all means please take the time to find out why.
I found things that I love and gives me a feeling of comfort, righteousness. They expose a part of my personality and set me in a confident mood where I can now observe those insecurities of mine and ask the right questions. Your meditative comfort is yours to build; you have to find your mantras, your asanas, your chants… Just take the time to follow your interests and you’ll find this little bubble of peace. And the more you work on it, the easier it is to access.
You got yourself on the higher path. You can look upon your defaults and smoothen them without even letting your ego feel anything.
All of that to say I love gardening. And I always fall in a depressive state the week following a long bike travel. This winter promise to be challenging.



Compass-Cosby, Stills, Nash and Young

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Photos

Cellphone picture of the Rockies
I have not been out much since I arrived here. The ranch is gorgeous and the view of the mountains are enough for now.
Alberta is expensive, dry and windy. But also pretty, proud and grand. My sister is close by and I can't wait to see her more often. I have realized how lucky I am to count my family in my closest friends. And I can also see that my extended family is a golden source of wonderful persons I did not take the time to know better.

Winter is coming, et va nous tuer jusqu'au printemps
I have seen my first bear the other day.
Weirdly enough, getting to live our federal electios on the west side of the country was quite interesting. Québec having its reputation here, it was curious to see this half conservative half liberal family take position on environmental issues, or the separatism movement. Having to explain my beliefs and defend my point of view in front of people that didn't grew up in my (beautiful) french nation triggered a lot of reflexion.
This being said, in believe Justin will bring in a breath of fresh air to this wonderful country. And will also mess up a lot, but compared to Harper, anything looks promising.

How many more sunset pictures? I annoy myself, but just can't stop.
I am currently trying to find a job in the Canmore/Banff area to finance my next year of travel. This made me think about the fact that I will not be able to ride my bike for a while and I do not want to think about it. I also won't be gardening in any way.
I miss having my own stability aka apartment. But my thirst for adventure and beautiful sights is not satisfied yet.