Bed: The Lost Civilisation

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My bed, or the corner where I believe my bed is, looks quite simply like an archeological dig. It's like Pompeii, if Mount Vesuvius had erupted a deadly river of mismatched socks and random crumpled pages of sheet music. So, inspired by my visit to the British Museum, as well as the fact that by typing this I'm procrastinating the actual dreaded tidying up that will be necessary if I am to find the fifty extensive student-teacher response forms that I have to make into a graph for student council by tomorrow night, I've decided to create an itemised exhibit of the things one might uncover when delving into my exquisitely preserved anthropological shrine:
Item 1 (nearly fossilised) black gel pen circa March 13. ink approximately same color of impossibly sleep-deprived 17-year-old's coaster-like under eye circles, after spending six hours the night before on her first diabolical chemistry practical. possibly used to write lyrics of song on said overworked 17-year-old student's hand for 1/2 hour solo cabaret performance which was a result of slightly less than 1/2 hours of actual practice with accompanist. At this time in humanity's distant history it was generally considered superhuman to be able to memorise all of the words to If They Can See Me Now, three days after the music was given to her, while conquering a chemistry practical and attending desperate last-minute five-hour college musical practices in the afternoon. Pen, which only works half the time anyway and when it actually does work just explodes leaving awkward black splotches all over duvet, may be a completely obvious symbol of student's psychological state.
Item 2three ancient specimens of rose, naturally mummified, circa March 14. Delivered personally to Bed's dweller by unfortunately smitten admirer after first performance of college musical, It Ain't No Fairy Tale: The True Story Of Little Red Riding Hood. Deep obsessive admiration probably had nothing to do with the fact that admirer had just watched Bed-ian traipsing around on the stage of the Tythe Barn in tiny black hotpants and white corset jacket ending just above Bed-ian's insecurity-complex belly-button area, singing Hey Big Spender and suggestively eating a banana while attempting to hide behind three-inch false eyelashes... Although script is now lost to the sands of time (possibly ripped into tiny pieces and burned by student after musical was FINALLY OVER, but this is only speculation), one decaying red leather knee-length stilletto-heeled boot unearthed from petrified layer of empty Cup-A-Soup packets suggests that student played Little Red Riding Hood. Location of all musical-related paraphenalia buried deeply in the lowest strata suugests that student wants to pretend this never happened.
Item 3 crumpled bits of notebook paper, circa March 19 and technically also the morning of March 20, barely legible due to the lateness of the night/earliness of the morning when they were actually written. Writing appears to be in the half-numerical style known now as DesperatelyStudyingForTheChemistryTestHelpHelpHelpIREallyShould'tWakeUpRutendoButHowElseAmIGoingToUnderstandVanderwaal'sForcesWithinTheNextFourHours. Later pieces circa March 25-26 seem to be in the associated dialect HowAmIPossiblyGoingToFinishThisPoliticsEssayByTomorrowMorningI'mLapsingIntoMetaphorsAboutWagonWheelsForPete'sSake. Both seem to be heavily influenced by the Maxwell House Extra Bold Instant Coffee language family. Modern advances in technology, such as planners, now make these ancient techniques impossible. Or so we hope.
Item 4
receipt from National Portrait Gallery in London for £10 worth of postcards, circa March 22, some of which can still be observed on Wall facing Bed. Closer observation will show that all postcards depict famous pieces of art with gingers in them. May suggest that Bed-ian student was also ginger, just like Botticelli's Venus (the goddess of BEAUTY and LOVE ...did the curator mention that she was ginger?) and Da Vinci's Virgin Of The Rocks. Who was also ginger. Ironically, student's luggage from London was actually organised and put away when she came home, for it was not found in Bed but indeed in the neighboring land of Luggage Room. This is the curator's subtle way of saying that the London trip does actually deserve its own separate blog entry...history will always reveal itself, but later...
Item5
Rare example of petrified mud on corner of duvet, circa March 27. Upon closer inspection appears to be footprint of very small hiking boot. Suggests that Bed's resident was uncontrollably happy during and after the CAVRA hike in the Brecon Beacons, which was so pristinely beautiful that - even though she was again carrying the 20 kilos of water - she was inspired to sing The Sound Of Music while running awkwardly up a hill.
Item 6
removed to Closet for separate study - wrinkled black-and-white checked shirt and scary green mesh trucker hat labeled RC, circa March 28. Appear hilariously American in origin, therefore may have been used for the American sketch in the International Show when Bed resident, other American who insists upon visiting Bed resident at ungodly hours to prove his undying love, and Bed resident's accordion appeared on stage to perform two Patsy Cline songs in thick Southern accents. Bed dweller miraculously located cowboy-style boots for £3 at the charity shop in Llantwit (amount of DNA evidence found at charity shop has led to speculation that charity shop was actually where supposed Bed dweller lived), and performed American routine - including spoof of Texan line dance while playing 'I Fall To Pieces' on accordion - completely straightfaced. It was legendary.

Please recycle your audio guides on the way out, otherwise you may inherit Bed dweller's title and end up as Dorm Of Shame for the week (seriously, all that stuff in the rubbish bin was ON ITS WAY OUT to the recycling bin. I DO love the environment, I really do! The rubbish was just a TEMPORARY HOLDING SYSTEM. And I only left the lights on because I thought I would be able to finish the student teacher-response forms in about five minutes. AND I would have voted for Al Gore if I hadn't been nine at the time!) Very large donations, or one of those 950 gram jars of Nutella that you can only get in Germany and Switzerland, are gratefully accepted for the preservation of this historic site.

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