Eating Like a Local – All Empty Calories Welcome

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The United States Department of Agriculture defines ‘empty calories’ as those derived from “solid fats and/or added sugars.” Like all other branches of the American government, the USDA goes on to state the bleeding obvious in case someone is still trying to work out what a solid fat or added sugar might look like. So, “Solid fats are fats that are solid at room temperature, like butter, beef fat, and shortening and added sugars are sugars and syrups that are added when foods or beverages are processed or prepared.” And, I thought solid fats were liquid and that added sugars were already there. They finally wind up with the piercing insight that “Currently, many of the foods and beverages Americans eat and drink contain empty calories…” Once again, this is a bit obvious if you just take a look around at any fast food restaurant, or indeed any restaurant below the Mason Dixon line. Notice the lack of discernable necks on a very high proportion of the folks feeding at the troughs.

About once a month, I line up with the rest of the undiscerning masses in order to purchase my Big Mac Meal, fried chicken, cheap taco/burrito, etc. But, I always ask the attendant to put the greasy morsel in a plain, brown paper bag that matches the ones (I have heard, but of course cannot confirm by personal experience) naughty magazines come in. I try not to make eye contact with the server behind the counter, or any of the other patrons. As quickly as possible, I purchase the ‘food’ items and scurry off to my car to devour the contents of my bulging bag before I get out of the parking lot. I feel guilty for days, and promise myself that I will never partake in this disgusting behavior again. But, as certain as overweight cooks will continue to show up on the Food Channel, I skulk into another establishment again after 4 weeks or so.

Given my predilection for foods that would make the politically-correct, skeletally-shaped among us blanch and want to burn me at the stake (though you would think they wouldn’t want to do this given that it would increase my carbon footprint), a recent visit to Scotland was a marvel. I had been to this haven for English-haters before, but this time I had a bit more opportunity to indulge in foods from which even an inorganic chemist would have a really hard time isolating non-empty calories.

What were these disgusting meals that I forced my body to ingest and attempt to digest? Well, the first involved a travesty at a fine dining establishment in the heart of Edinburgh. The centerpiece of the main dish was an enormous mound of slow-cooked pork belly. The chef did not even have the class to hide the thick strips of fat that interleaved the almost non-existent lean portions. “Nutrients! Nutrients! Oh, my Hari Krishna!! where are the nutrients!!?" scream the Vegetarians among you. “Nowhere to be found” is my answer as a gentle smile dances across my lips with the memory of the wonderful flavor. And, horror-of-horrors, for all our Vegan comrades, I topped the meal off with a double-espresso and a slice of suicidal cheese-cake.

The second, dirty little (or actually, not so little) episode involved what is quaintly referred to as a Full Scottish Breakfast. From a similar group that thought up the full monty comes this delightful, gut-busting version of the morning repast. The plate was over-brimming with quickly solidifying calories inhabiting the sausage, bacon (more like what we Yanks call ham), fried egg, fried tomatoes and that special delicacy known as haggis. The latter component is particularly delectable, consisting of lambs lungs, suet, Scottish water, oatmeal (hey, who snuck in the healthy components!?) and just a wee bit of salt and other flavoring. I died and went to heaven – actually I did not die, but I am probably a bit closer to showing up in the afterlife than I was before swallowing every delicious morsel.

There you have my confession about my foray into Scottish haute cuisine. I refuse to issue any Mea Culpas, but instead state simply, ‘Bless those empty calories.’

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