For realsies this time.

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Quick note, I messed this one up a little bit. I didn't realize how to add photos to these so I did it wrong. It will be corrected on future ones, I just don't feel like doing it now. Check out the gallery site, you will like what I put. I promise this will be fixed in the future.

Alright, now the chronology of what is going down.
It all began on Tuesday, the 19th with a lovely breakfast at Kirby Lane. I was then whisked away to the airport and things immediately got interesting. There was apparantly great fear that I would use a bottle of Rudy's BBQ Sause to hijack or take down the airplane. This, in my mind, is just foolish Texas pride gone very, very wrong. I know that the sause is boss, I know that it is an amazing addition to any eating experience, but come the F on! So the bottle was ripped from my hands and returned to the loving arms of my mother. I hope she will love it as much as I did.

From here, things were very uneventful until I got to New Jersey. Here I learned a few things. First, you must mind that when you are drinking 20 oz beers, it is not advisable to drink them like they are 12 oz beers. Not when you have a flight to catch. Second, getting drunk in New Jersey is a regional experience I must recomend to everyone. Much in the way Tom Waits made being broke down in East St. Louis sound wonderful, I can now say the same thing about being hammered in Jersey. Now, as much fun as the drinking was, it did lead to lesson three, which is, check the gate for your flight more then 10 minutes before you intend to board. You see, the one time you do wait that long to check, and decide to tie one one, is the time that your gate gets moved from the gate right next to your bar to the farthest gate from where you are sitting. But you can get lucky and catch a ride on one of the carts to your gate, yet the intoxication might lead you to tipping the driver 10 pounds, which for you kids out there is about $20. But what the hell, I got there.

So, I end up on my plane and proceeded to make instant friends with the couple sitting next to me. Although my method of making friends included this exchange,
"What are you reading?" -British Woman on Plane
"'Cash' by Johnny Cash." -me
"I've never heard anything by Johnny Cash." -Woman
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" -me

On the plus side, I did sleep through the two hours we spent sitting on the ground before take off, as well as the first two hours of the flight. The flight was longer than it was (that statement makes sense, think about it), and once I sobered up I spent quite a lot of time apologizing for being a drunken douche.

Once that was over I got to experience the "joy" that is navagating Gatwick airport/labrynth. I'm not saying that it was poorly designed, I'm just saying that whoever designed it probably saw his son die because he flew too close to the sun and melted the wax holding his wings on (yeah, I'm going mythological on your ass). Which lead to a rather painful experience navagating one train and two subway lines to finally get to my hotel. Once there I wait in line and am redirected to the basement, where my tour group is headquartered. Once waiting on line there I am told that I am staying at the "lovely' Imperial Hotel, down the street.

Now, I'm not saying that The Imperial is a shit hole, I am saying that the British and I have very different definitions of the word "Imperial." I end up in a room about the size of my mom's closet, maybe smaller, with a very small twin bed, and a view that will probably involve me witnessing a homicide at some point. So, I shower up and have a go at Sleepy London Town. Guns blazing, the adventure begins.

First thing I do is go buy a cheap phone (20 pounds) that comes with 200 pre-paied minutes. So now I have a British phone number. I RULE!!!

So, I find out how to get to Trafalger square so I can go to the greatest restauraunt in the world (more on this later). Let's talk busses, specifically double decker busses. First off, they are everywhere here, and I do mean everywhere. It is not unusual to see them stacked up five or six deep at a stop light. Second, if you get the chance, sit on the top, near the front. IT IS TERRIFYING. Because of your angle it looks like the bus driver is trying to kill EVERYONE. Cars, busses, pedestrians, they all look like they are desperately fleeing a painful death at the hands of one of these bloodthirsty monsters. This is an experience each of us must one day have.

The greatest bus ride ever takes me to Trafalger square, quite a magnificent sight, and there are people EVERYWHERE, it's astounding. Once arrived, I made my way past the Canadian Embassy to the TEXAS EMBASSY CANTINA! It is so rad to turn the corner in London and see a giant TEXAS FLAG hanging in front of a place. It made me feel right at home. I enjoyed a plate called "The Guadalajara," consisting of one cheese enchalada (with chile con carne), one chicken enchalada (with sour cream sauce), and one beef enchalada (with some other kind of sauce), with the oddest "Mexican Rice" I have ever seen, and very thick refried beans, obviousley from a can. It was better than I expected, and made for a pleasant experience.

I then returned to the shitty hotel and decide to roam around rather than spend a minute more than I have to trapped in it. So, realizing that I am about a 2 minute walk from the British Museum, I decide to go take a lookie loo at the Rosetta Stone. On my way I see one of the oddest, most disturbing sights I have ever seen. A row of phone boxes, each one almost wallpapered with very graphic ads for phone sex hotlines. I have absolutely no idea how this works, but hey, the brits have their way, and apparantly it works.

Now I find myself in the British Museum, the bad news, Every display was closed. I got to see a few things, but no Rosetta Stone, no Egyptian artifacts, none of it. But I did get to see the most amazing sight I have ever seen. The Lobby of this Museum is absolutely breathtaking. It is the most beautiful, vast, pristine, glass celinged room I have ever been in. I posted a picture of it, check it out. It is a very warm, very quiet room. Something about it just seems to make most of the sounds dissapear.

I then proceeded to get lost upon leaving. Piece of advice, when you are in a city that is totally foreign and unknown to you, do NOT exit from a different door than you entered if it is an extremeyly large building. This made me a little bit late to the tour meeting, but no big deal, the tour itself begins at 6:45 tomorrow mornign, should be a blast. So, there it is, two days in the life of Jim Dirkes. I look forward to getting back to you with more details at a later date.

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[Brian Hillsman]

WOW
You didn't happen to win this vacation on "Pig-in-a-Polk" did you?