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Published: April 16th 2009
What.
A.
Week.
I don't really know how to begin to be honest. I feel as if so much has changed. So much has changed around me, where i've been, where i've been going. And so much has changed within me as well. The way i've felt about things, what i've wanted. So much.
I'll try and tell it as it happened.
There's no way to write this without sounding pretentious, but I felt as if Jen and I had discovered ultimate freedom. I felt as if our lives no longer knew any bounds; we could go anywhere, we could do anything. We were talking about Turkey, Norway, Spain, Poland, and beyond. I was begin to wonder where we might stop, with all of this freedom and all of this time and all of this huge world to see...when do you stop? Would we not get lost in this world? Consumed by the freedom we had gained? But, that was not something I needed to be worrying about.
The trouble was, there were too many things that we could do. We couldn't decide, the whole world lay ahead of us and it almost seemed that, if we did decide to do something, we'd be doing it just for the sake of doing it. I really think Freedom is like soap. And I think I prefer shower gel.
Anyway, in amongst our indecisivness, other things were at play as well. As we explored Berlin I found myself spending more and more time thinking about various things. It seemed as if this realisation of the freedom of my body had enabled a greater freedom of my mind. I cannot really explain what has happened here, but needless to say I was going through some big internal changes. Pretentious or not, thats the way it felt.
Added to my increasing wide-eyedness and inability to choose what to do next, was a further issue playing on my mind. For a what seemed like an age I had been debating whether or not to return to the life that I had left in Reading. Things had happened there that were very difficult to leave behind and I very much wanted to come back to them.
In the end, a decision was made. I realised that I couldn't sustain this lifestyle we had reached indefinately and decided that I would return home after 2 months. I announced this to Jen, perhaps unfairly, and we began again to make plans. And this is the trouble, after all that had already happened, a part of me was very dubious about making another plan. I wasn't sure that it was a good idea.
We decided to hitch down to Italy and carry on from there. All that remained was to visit Potsdam, last Thursday, and then hitch away from the city on the Friday. In Potsdam we went our separate ways and spent a few hours by ourselves, something that hadn't happened in a long time.
As I was wondering I felt like I was being torn in two. Part of me was totally in awe at the amazing opportunity that lay before me. This freedom, although partially confined and regimentised into a period of 2 months, was still an amazing thing. Not just in terms of what we could do with it or where we could go, but also the state of mind that I was in. I felt as if my capacity to learn about the world was amplified by the intensity of the experiences we were living through and the spikes of emotion I was feeling. However, the other part of me longed desparately to return. I feared greatly that after two months of this life I would return home, but I would be a different person and be unable to pick up my life where I had left it. And that made me feel awful.
I tried to think about what I would do if I were out there alone. If I was by myself I would be forced to listen to the most powerful feelings that I had. Right then, the most powerful feelings I had were coming from my heart and they were telling me, without reservation, to go home. Not in 2 months, not in 2 weeks, but right then.
I broke the news to Jen. She didn't seem to mind too much, and was already beginning to think that our views on 'freedom' and this grand adventure were starting to deviate. It was time for us to part company.
And so, the next day I flew home. Thats not the end of the story, I had various trials and tribulations on my way back to where I started, but I made it in the end.
I'm back in Reading now, without a single clue in the world what to do next.
But I don't see why thats a bad thing, why do we really need to know anyway?
All I know is that, whatever I do next, I won't be making any plans.
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J
non-member comment
Reading eh?
Not that I believe you are back in Reading for one moment, however if you are, or even if you are not. You should consider two weeks out the in Alps mountaineering from 22 August to 6 September. Now there's something to think about....