Heartbreak

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I wish this was a melodramatic title - unfortunately, for reasons which i may possibly never understand, this is exactly what has happened to me for now the second time in my life.

Exactly a week ago now, minus a few hours, Ed decided to call time on our 18 month relationship. As it can safely be said that his decision to finish it was unexpected (after only 5 weeks of separation and up to that point a really lovely day) i did not handle the news well. The hours after he told me are just a blur now, I know that i cried and that i threw up but mostly i just remember pain and the desperate desire for him to take it all back, to let me lay my head on his chest and to tell me it was some sort of cruel joke.

If i was a more rational creature perhaps i might have reacted more as Ed expected me to. I think he may have genuinely believed that i would simply let a few composed tears escape, tell him i disagreed, then go to bed and possibly even continue with our planned surfing expedition the next day, swiftly subduing everything else and continuing as friends- (i hate this word.)

However, rationale has never been a trait i clamed to possess and so instead i disintegrated into a wreck. Its only later i've remembered that you probably should try and avoid this - tears, vomit and a swollen, blotchy face not being the ideal way to convince a guy that he is gonna regret his decision and so should probably just take you back.

My mother was an angel and arrived here wednesday lunchtime as moral support. She managed to get off the bus on the wrong side of Bordeaux despite my precise directions but it was lovely to see her. She did my aquagym class, forced me to eat and gently abused me if i tried to justify his decision or say nice things about him. In fact i didn't realise how much her presence was numbing the worst of the pain until she left Saturday evening. Then there was a sudden, overwhelming feeling of being alone, and i haven't had such a horrible night's sleep, well since monday, but before that God knows when.

Its one thing knowing somewhere in the back of your head that you probably aren't going to end up happily ever after with this man who doesn't want kids until age 35 and then only 2 at most and who thinks that money matters more than happiness when making life-defining choices e.g. which career to pursue. In short my complete opposite. But its another thing having to live without being able to talk to or touch him. And even knowing that he would probably never have compromised any of those ideals for love of me i was still so excited about us. About the things we could do together, the crazy directions my life might take with him. It just doesn't feel finished. There is still too much i have left to give him, too many good memories still waiting to be created.

But i guess its always like that when it isn't your choice to end it. I miss lots of silly little things the most - like having someone who loves me enough to listen to a completely meaningless story and pretend to be interested. I struggled not to message and tell him when my mother and i rescued a distressed ladybird from the top of the Dune. In fact i struggle not to send messages a lot. Having someone specifically mine to share all the little details of my life with is what i miss most now. There are still a lot of bad moments basically and i hope that they start to decrease soonish. I can't do a whole year abroad alone and missing him this much.

I am slightly scared that as i had started to get used to loving him without missing him, i'm just going to do a really good job of ignoring it without getting over him at all and then turn up in Durham in January to catch up with everyone, see him with some female, lose my mind and then get arrested for GBH. I'm mostly joking... i think.

But at the minute i'm living to pass the time, until it starts to feel better. There is a dull ache there all the time and breathing and eating, i'm ashamed to say, do sometimes pose difficulties, hyperventilation and throwing up not yet being a thing of the past. Its a bit like wandering around with a few cracked ribs, the bigger actions hurt less than expected but then some tiny movement hurts with such an intensity that you are stunned for a few minutes. So discussing him can sometimes be done with ease but then i put on my sunglasses (which were a present from him) or see my tiny ears in the mirror (which he always commented on) and the next little while is lost time as i struggle not to be overwhelmed by tears and hurt.

This is all partially my fault. I just don't understand the concept of not being ready for commitment or being too young to want just one person. They don't make sense to me. All that a relationship prevents is sleeping with other people, not that much to give up really, sex is much better in a relationship anyway. If i say i love you i really mean it, i mean i can envisage our life together and will do everything to make us work. Apparently that is terrifying. So sue me.

The worst thing is that i was initially realistic about this bloody year away, kept telling people i had to expect the worst, be realistic about what 15months apart could do to a relationship. And then Ed spent almost 2 months convincing me that we would breeze through the year, that i didn't have to worry, that he would be there at the end of the phone or skype whenever i needed. So it hurts more now. I don't think he realises yet that we were lucky. You don't just find someone you can love so completely every day wandering along the street. But i guess he'll realise what a good team we were at some point or another. And i'm just sitting here praying that i get to be half as lucky again - although knowing my luck it's unlikely. I've had two men now that i loved with everything i had to give and it wasn't enough. Who says i get to have another chance? Do i even want one? It hurts so much when it all goes tits up.

My search for the silver lining has so far only come up with the fact that to date i've already lost half a stone. I wouldn't recommend it as a diet though.

To end i have 3 notes.

1) I was wrong about Marie slitting her wrists, she apparently said "breaking her hands", she just wasn't careful enough with her hand gestures during the first explanation. I feel this is a necessary correction as it is somewhat better to have serious temper problems than to be a manic depressive.

2) Send me love. Facebook, skype and the good old postal service are all excellent methods of distraction. And thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. I'll stop whinging soon i hope.

3) Gentlemen, I am now available for dates. Maybe leave it a week or two but i enjoy steak dinners (especially expensive ones), pretty flowers and chocolate. However be warned - if at first you do manage to impress me, there will probably be some kind of test involving separation and 5weeks. Having twice now been proved unequal to distance in a relationship, i shall not be picking someone so weak a third time.

I really do love you all lots and thank you for reading. Sorry about this entry people, this is the only time i'm allowing myself to write like this. Its been an excellent purge for me but im sure everyone else is just bored by now. I'll probably be embarassed later when i look back at this. But for now i'm glad i've written it. And next time i shall return to the minutae of living abroad and hopefully will entertain rather than depress in future.

Ill write again soon. Kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s In less than a week Ed heads for the States on a 5week boy's road trip which we all know has at least partially influenced the shit timing and the poor effort at a distance relationship. The reason I mention this is that if anyone knows any american girls who are attractive or nice (worse are girls with both these qualities) I could do with not hearing about them until at least October.

Cheers my lovelies xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Photos

Before.
When i was still unaware of what was coming next.

Mama and I
This is the pretty 'Mirror of Water' in Bordeaux, its amazing for tired, achey feet.

Air Display
I can't take photos. This was the best one despite standing there for 15mins witht the camera.

Me paddling.
Oh i love to paddle.

Bordeaux is Pretty.
This is a nice one of Mama too!

An arch
Some nice architecture and my profile.

My new cup
I got fed up of drinking out of a bowl.