welcome back!!! matt + claire - cannot believe you are back. have been immersed in your SA diary (most people at work seem to have started the bank hol wend already, so phone under control).
are you guys still in london? would be lovely to see you + pics + hear stories. ... + congratulate you both on a further brother/sister for mia + jake - wow! when is it due?
Joy
parkerj@pbworld.com
What have we learnt? Well to close a chapter in my life, otherwise known as “the last 8 months”, here is a summary of the exciting things that have been happening in the real world; although I have decided to cut it short somewhat and save it for my next novel.
Going Away so there I was, jealous as hell, that you were embarking upon an expedition that would open the families eyes to all of the possibilities around the eastern/southern hemisphere be it good or bad. Little did I know that I, and in some cases my family would be doing the same from the comfort of the western world and, block D, row F, seat 32 of Griffin Park:
July a pretty uneventful month excluding the daily trudge to work and back which involves stepping over aggressive beggars (one looks remarkably like my dad), sidestepping Eastern European gentlemen demanding a cigarette in pidgin English, getting dirty looks from the assembled school children at the bus stop, hopping on a tube train where the driver takes great delight in a) breaking sharply as the train enters the station knowing that most passengers are standing up and b) with perfect timing, closing the doors on unsuspecting tourists with back-packs (which is actually quite amusing), finding the escalators are not working (not overly pleasant at 36C) and to finish the daily journey, have drunk Antipodeans ask why you are looking so miserable, for those of you that know me, it is the face I was born with, if I smile, I resemble Jack Nicholson’s character “here’s Johnny” a little too closely. Sorry, forgot one important event where my youngest flashed the dinner queue at school, then told the dinner ladies they had no authority to tell him off. Allegedly behaviour he had copied from me, sort of, and adapted to meet his own aims. Obviously a budding conservative MP of the future.
August very similar to the above regarding the daily trudge, but joy o joy, we were off for our annual jaunt to Cornwall to partake in dangerous sports, hoping there would be no injuries this time. Alas, we were wrong, our oldest received a puncture wound to his ankle whilst out kayaking in a local canal, that culminated in a five day stay at our local hospital on a number of drips etc.. due to cellulitis. He is so selfish this one as last year he was stung twice by a weaver fish whilst surfing, and the year before needed stitches to his head after losing control abseiling face first down a cliff. Anything to get the attention of the lovely Claire who works at the centre. At least I learnt that cellulitis is an infection of the skin and not as I had always believed the strange ripple effect found on Linda’s thighs.
September football season has started, The Bees are going up, Martin Allen’s army are here, going great guns, winning games, got a blinding new striker (only cost 5K), happy days are here again.
October The Bees are still at it, 3rd in the league and through to the next round in the FA Cup. Linda decides to take a break and see our best man’s family in Athens, leaving me with our three boys and a ringing in my ears “don’t give them junk food”. Which is exactly what I did, as well as taking them to a friends farm where we sent them off with spears to catch rabbits (it’s ok they would never be able to catch one, due to the noise they make trudging across the fields). Obviously, I didn’t realise how quickly they would “grass me up” once their mother got home. Is two seconds a record? I have been using the collective term for my three of “the Grasses” ever since.
November The Bees are still going great guns, 2nd in the league and still in the FA Cup, so I treat myself to a RYA Competent Crew Course with a couple of friends in Lanzarote, as we thought (misguidedly) that the weather would be warm, the breeze light and the sea calm. One out of three wasn’t bad though. Suffice to say that our skipper was mad, and had us novice sailors out in a force 6 gale with 30 foot swells, the remark he made when questioned about the merits of life jackets in this type of weather was “well you could wear them, but to be honest you would just drown more slowly as in this weather we couldn’t find you once we’d lost you”. The valuable lesson we learnt on this trip was .real excitement is brown. Anyway, inadvertently, this also ended up being a break for Linda as she’d had enough of football over the last couple of months.
December just a blur really, but it could be old age and selective memory kicking in. I assume it was a good month but only January would tell.
January more of a blur, I am pretty sure that Linda is trying to poison me as I wake up with a thick head most days. I did think about reporting her to the local police, but that would leave me on my own with the boys. I think I’d rather be poisoned, slowly, as the boys are in particularly boisterous mood and fighting each other most days. Maybe karate was the wrong sport for them after all. But wait, (I know, never use but at the start of a sentence, but, this is for dramatic effect), the Bees are playing Sunderland at home in the FA Cup. As they come onto the pitch, their players are noticeably larger. One can only deduce that their salaries are enough to eat properly on. We are expecting to be demolished, but as the early exchanges show, they really do deserve to be bottom of the premiership, and our new (this season striker) is terrorising their defence. What happened, well we won, what a delirious day, to find out that star striker has been sold to Birmingham, what a glum day. Not to worry it will be February soon.
February very quiet month. The Bees have been comprehensively beaten by Charlton in the 5th round of the FA Cup. I, as is so often the case, after a flagon or three, have agreed to stupid escapade called the Three Peaks Challenge in June. For the life of me I thought it had something to do with a Canadian off the wall comedy/drama. Linda laughed and upped the life insurance. As they say, behind every man (you can fill in your own description here) .
March The Bees are still second, with games in hand, although Colchester have caught us up. Surely we will get automatic promotion this year, just don’t lose all of the games. So what do they do, lose all of their games in hand, ending on equal points, BUT, our goals difference is much better.
April NO, NO, NO, The Bees are now in 3rd place and will have to go through the qualifiers process again. The morons around me are fully confident, me being a fully assimilated Englishman know better, we are rubbish and will possibly get through to the final, but lose anyway. Linda, with our youngest disappear to Japan, staying with Japanese friends during the Hinami festival (Cherry Tree Blossoms). What did they learn there, well, our friends live just outside Tokyo where there are no foreigners at all, hence the constant staring, you are not permitted to smoke anywhere you want, as per the constant no smoking signs in the pavement, yes the houses are really small, the toilets have heated seats, just because you are Westerner doesn’t mean you know the inner workings and thoughts of Tony Blair and his government, how to treat your subordinates make them stand under a cherry tree all day to reserve your place. Meanwhile, I took the other two go-karting (only two minor injuries), climbing (1 minor injury), shooting (no injuries things are looking up), the Dali Exhibition (three minor injuries??) and the RAF museum (a heated debate with a little Englander regarding the positive input provided by “foreigners” during the battle of Britain).
So what have we learnt through the last eight months; Matt looks the same as when he left, Brentford truly are a rubbish team, you don’t need to go far to get hurt, the Japanese really are very different to us and have wonderful toilets, travel writing can be fun to read, but most importantly, never, ever, trust your children to keep a secret.
Thank you "family of 4" for sharing your adventures. I enjoyed reading your blogs over the months. Good luck in the future to the "family of 5". I hope someday to be reading more!
Ta Ta for taking me away from the colourless, industrial wasteland of Templeborough, Rotherham in which I have to spend my work days for a few fleeting, but colourful, moments!! It's hard to fully imagine the sights, sounds and smells (even Rodger - he is a Manc after all, sorry to all my Manc-ish family) from here but I look forward to the lecture with slides and video to be delivered at the Geographical Society of GB on your return?!!
Have a great last few days, drink it in and come back to the Arse in the Euro Cup Final, inspired by LFC last year!!
JJD xxx
Great to hear your latest news, sounds fantastic as ever. But Matt, I can't help thinking that your round the world adventure has somehow inspired Arsenal in their quest for European domination. Is there anyway you can somewhere else until after the CL final on May 17? Maybe even hanging about in a departure lounge somewhere might do it.
Another good long blog - thanks Matt. The kids' behaviour (including the fascinating song) sounds par for the course - or course. Sounds as if you'v ebeen exploring the land of your father pretty well. We're looking forward to April 16th now.....
hiyah Hello everyone. You all look soooo well - great news about no. 3.Hope Claire is feeling well. Youre adventures are so interesting and exciting I am reluctant to say anything about life here!! Ian's just come in and said I better tell Mat that Arsenal beat Real Madrid!
Love to you all xxxx
Bonjour Mia et Jake I hope you are having a good time. Mia, you look nice on the pictures. Where you scared when you were climbing that tree? I miss you, do you miss me? Can't wait to see you again....soon....!
Jake, my brothers can't wait to play with you!!
Octaviaxxxxx
hello mia Hi Mia. I liked seeing your latest pictures. I've got my hair cut short like yours now, and I'm 5. Say hello to Jake and your mummy and daddy. Love Ciara x
hello to mia i have been playing with my little pony.
i hope you had a good time on tha beach wilh your bucket and spade. when the buucket and spade . when the baby ls , born, can you and jake come to play and tea love imogen
This is all very well, but you should be nice to those oldish men who look after steam trains. The world would be a poorer place without them. I'm sending you by express post a kit to help you deal with meddlesome reporters, especially those from channel 7. (Where are the other 6?)
Comments of a Filipofile Thank you young sister for that elucidation of Mia's poetico-philiposophical re-deconstruction in relation to the highway which I had at first feared to be a post Hegelian anomical heresy but she may not be up to that yet. The real reason for the comparison may just lie in the fact that neither the road nor I are troubled by the presence of large amounts of vegetation on top. Both of us are in a state of excellent repair.
What does concern me is that the kids are going hungry when parents were so generous with beans. Obviously you have allowed them to guzzle them up in less than a month. Again, I say shame!
HELLO TO MIA AND JAKE HAPPY CHRISTMAS MISSING YOU. I HAVE PRINTED THE PHOTOS OF YOU BOTH. YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY.
DOES SANTA WEAR HIS COSTUME ON THE BEACH?
LOTS OF LOVE
IMOGEN
what a great read Miggins you are a class act, I've been laughing out loud to your blog, wish I'd looked at it earlier, have a great festive period - love to Claire and the kids
Happy Crimble Thanks for the email Claire - Imogen still talks about Mia and quite often draws pictures for her. She has settled into school well - thinks she knows it all!! I've printed out the beach picture which is now framed in her bedroom.
Have a good Christmas or does that blend with all the other exciting adventures you are having.
Still haven't spotted the Icelanders!!
Deb
life is but a melancholy flower Jake looks as if he is coming up with some very interesting results of his contemplation. It is that particularly far away look in his eyes that makes one wonder.....
I hope Mia was preapared to cook dinner as well as find it.
Very nice blog Matt - thanks. I suspect Great Ocean Road and Great Uncle Philip are about the same age in Mia's eyes? (Sorry Phil - couldn't resist it...).
hope the kids are enjoying their independence - by the time you get back to them they'll doubtless be able to barbie the beans! Get some pics on the web and then we can see what youre not describing. Hope all well lots of love from all the goldies and barney xx
bonjour Mia Mia,
Have you find anything interesting to show me when you come back to England?
I will be 5 years old on Thrusday 8th Dec. I'm having a party at home and have invited Ciara from Cedar Park. I wish you could be there at my party.
I like school and I can now read some books. I've just come back from my school Christmas party and I saw Father Christmas! He gave me a lovely present: a magic wand.
Miss you
Octaviaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hide/hair - aboriginal How do you know you haven't seen an aboriginal hair. It is also possible you may have experienced one or more with a different sense faculty.
I agree with previous comments about your over generous treatment of Mia and Jake. You say you provided them with a tin of beans each. I am amazed that you are able to continue to fund your travels given such extravagance. Spoiling them in this way will provide a rod for your own backs later on. They will become the type of OAPs / whoops! senior citizens who demand pensionsto live on. I can just see them hoarding baked beans and denuding the supermarket shelves thereof. And what about the teaching them to share. One (small) tin would have done.
Joy
non-member comment
welcome back!!!
matt + claire - cannot believe you are back. have been immersed in your SA diary (most people at work seem to have started the bank hol wend already, so phone under control). are you guys still in london? would be lovely to see you + pics + hear stories. ... + congratulate you both on a further brother/sister for mia + jake - wow! when is it due? Joy parkerj@pbworld.com