The League of Cheesey Rock (Bobanory)

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The League of Cheesy Rock

Song {Artist}
Hotel California {The Eagles} <333>
Various {Bob Marley} <318>
Various {The Kathmandu Cover Bands} <292>
Aqua/Camelman {Barbie-Girl} <291>
Buddhist Chanters {Om Mane Padme Om} <98>
The Power of Love {Jennifer Rush} <3>
Sweet Home Alabama {Inknown} <3>
The Steve Miller Band {The Joker} <3>
Wonderwall {Oasis} <2>
Hey Jude {The Beatles} <2>
I Will Survive {Gloria Gaymor} <2>
Stand By Me {BB King} <2>
Lady in Red {Chris De Burgh} <1>
I Want to Know What Love Is {Foreigner} <1>
Sharp Dressed Man {ZZ Top} <1>
Money For Nothing {Dire Straights} <1>
No Woman No Cry {Bob Marley} <1>
Elamor Rigby {The Beatles} <1>
Money For Nothing {Dire Straights} <1>

Intoduction
Welcome to the league of cheesy rock - a blog dedicated to those timeless, often tasteless, classics of modern popular music that one hears time and time again in far flung parts. Predictably, Hotel California makes the early running, but with 9 months to go this season there is all to play for. 1 point is awarded for each hearing, though I may decided to award bonus points for foreign language and dodgy live versions. Editors decision is final but you are welcome and indeed encouraged to argue to the point... Apologies for the formatting its beyond my control!

The Desert Edition - April 21st
Welcome to a very special edition of 'The League', dedicated to 'The Camelman' of Jaisalmer for his services to live performances. It has been a long time since the last edition so first I'll recap on the main highlights since China before we delve into the delights of the desert sounds - who would believe that a camelised 'Barbie-Girl' by Aqua would assail to such dizzy heights in this league...

Kathmandu was a welcome return to crucified rock with sound systems and live performances competing for speaker space in its infamous Thamel district. This after week upon week where all that was heard in Tibet and the rest of Nepal was the Buddhist chant of 'Om Mane Padme Om' murmured out in a plethora of different styles. Due to a combination of the sheer number of times 'Om Mane Padme Om' heard (so often I caught myself humming it on occassion) together with the desire to push Jennifer Rush's 'The Power of Love' further down the charts, I have awarded the mantra 98 points.

But over Christmas in Kathmandu we must have heard evry soft rock classic ever made. 'The League' simply is not big enough to accomodate them all, so I have chosen to consolidate into a single entry entitled 'The Kathmandu Cover Bands', which scores a wapping 292 points. A memorable set by some pro's who had clearly been on the Thamel circuit for many years and whose collection was eclectic. I kid you not -belters came out in this order, seamlessly transitioning from one to t'other: Stevie Wonder - Superstition; White Stripes - Seven Nation Army; David Bowie - Under Pressure; Guns and Roses - Sweet Child of Mine; James Brown - I feel Good; Dire Straits - Walk of Life. Obviously,we tried to walk out when Dire Straits came on but were forced to endure the full version whilst having a heated exchange with the waiters over the bar bill (did I really have that many Gin and Tonics?).

This standard, minus the Dire Straits lapse, was not the norm unfortunately, with many choosing to make Oasis sound like a just-out-of-school pub band that even Jon Chamberlain would not invite onto the stage for his Electric Inferno Open Mic nights. Of course let's not forget the inevitable Bob Marley repeat looping efforts that graced many a cafe, bar, clothes shop, supermarket and internet cafe. The final insult was our last traipse out of Thamel to hook up with the excruciating overnight bus to the Indian border. As we trudged out with heavy rucksacks a popular bar blared out 'Brothers in Arms' - Dire Dire Straits.

Next, we spent four weeks in Palolem, Goa - a beach resort that narrowly avoided being a Costa Del experience due to first the relative lack of huge concrete jungle resort hotels that over-run other Goa resorts, and second the fact that we hooked up with friends Hannah, Pete and Little Chris from Brighton, therefore encountering a ready-made social network of really nice people and sometimes-decent live music places to go to. The Open Mic night at Alpha Bar got a bit over-twiddly, with proper muso's out-doing each other with rarely heard folky covers that only the other muso's would nod along to appreciatively. None of those make an entry cos I'd never heard them before, and would often find myself falling asleep mid-song. This I got got away with because everyone assumed I was in-the-know and nodding along not nodding off...

There was a lovely duo called Junkery consisting of a French lady called Axel singing and 'Tabla Mark' on, well, the Tabla drums. Local folk songs blended with inspired covers - Nirvana's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' sung in a sweet soft French accent would, I guarantee, melt many a Wivenhoe-Mans' heart. Another special treat was to hear one of the ex UB-40 members belt out some superb and energetic reggae on the beach, although he did find time to slip in a truely awful reggae version of Hey Jude by the Beatles.

Apart from Palolem and Kathmandu, the enjoyment of live music over the rest of the trip has been limited, until that is we got to Jaisalmer in Rajasthan and embarked on a two night camel safari. We spent bumb-numbing days on the back of superbly entertaining camels riding through the seering heat of the Great Thar Desert. Mine was called Babu. 'Bob and Babu' - it sounds like a kiddies tv show. Admittedly we would enjoy a four hour lunch break snoozing under a tree whilst our wonderful camel drivers made a fire and cooked lunch. Evenings we pitched up on some picture-postcard dunes and once dinner was out of the way, our 'Camleman' would regail us with his repertoire of well practiced tourist pleasers with a big water container used as temporary drum for the backing rhythms. Bob Marley made a predictable comeback with 'No Chapatti No Chai, No Woman No Cry'. To prevent Bob dominating the charts completely I am gathering all songs by Bob into one entry, currently scoring 318 points (I counted them all - honest). After a dazzling array of camelised and desertificated western songs I knew it would come, and I was not disappointed with the line 'Plenty of room at the Hotel CAMELfornia', catapulting the Eagles classic back to its rightful place at the top of the pile on 333 points.

No-one however was expecting Aqua. Camelman started by singing the original 'I'm a Barbie-Girl' to which the five English people of a six-strong party groaned and hurled abuse. The Camelman just smiled a contented 'I know this will make you laugh' smile and launched into this desert version. Sing-along now in your squekiest most irratating voice, not forgetting the deep voice-over for the chorus:

I'm a Camel man
In the bloody sand
With Imagination
Lunch was quite delicious
Camel walks and runs
Across the scorching desert
Bum like plastic
Legs like elastic

Come on camel
Let's go desert
Uh uh uh yeah
Come on camel
Let's go desert
oooo-oh, oooo-oh
Come on camel
Let's go desert
Uh uh uh yeah
Come on camel
Let's go desert
oooo-oh, oooo-oh

I'm a Camel man
In the bloody sand...

We dissolved into the soft sand of the dune in hysterics, although maybe you needed to be there. Nevertheless, this beauty was sufficiently entertaining at the time to be awarded 291 points, leaving it ludicrously close to a spot in the coveted top 3 of the 'The League. Let us hope I do not hear it again...


2. Update 1 November
The competition in the league of cheesy rock hots up with our stay in a hostel in Xi'an which has a cafe playing round the clock rubbish. After a 12 hour overnight no sleep train ride from Beijing where the seats we got were akin to a commuter train to Liverpool Street, we were greeted on entrance to the cafe with ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man. Mercifully the volume was low... The Eagles now only share top spot, with an unlikely Jennifer Rush and the excruciating, every-one sing along now 'Sweet Home Alabama'. Can anyone tell me the artist please? Special mentions this time round go to ear-bleedingly awful versions of Wonderwall and Hey Jude which receive an extra point in recognition of their awfulness. At long last Foreigner makes its debut which will delight Wivenhoe. Lets hope we donlt hear Money For Nothing too often...


1. Update 23 OctoberThe Eagles soar (sorry) to the top of the table with 2 fine performances in a restaurant in Ulan-Bator - Mongolia and a shopping centre in Beijing.Jeniffer Rush and Chris De Burgh are equal on 1 hearing but Jennifer Rush inches ahead on a technicality because hers was heard in the form of a mobile phone ringtone on the Beijing Subway (how many times must that poor Woman listen to the power ballard a day??). Chris de Burgh warrants a special mention since his classic Lady in Red was the first song we heard in Poland, on a local bus to our hotel on the first day of our trip.

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