Travelin Z - Women's Issue (12)

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Travelin Z - Women's Issue (12)



Don't you worry your pretty little heads - I do not have a feminine side, which I consider leftover pseudo intellectual crap from the 80's - but I'm glad it got your attention.
What I do have, is a sensitive male side, and since I am very confident with my sexuality in my old age - I feel very comfortable in presenting you guys with :



............C O S M O P O L I T Z E E V..............

The Vietnamese July 2005 Issue.

Editor corner............page 1
Health.......................page 8
Fashion....................page 13
Shopping............. ...page 21
Hair/ make up...........page 36
History......................page 96
Your Kids Health......page 57
Family Outing...........page 91


EDITOR'S CORNER....page 1

The editor (that would be me) would like to acknowledge, here by, his dear lover, and courageous travel companion, Chloe Garthson. Chloe's 24/7 presence contributed greatly to the editor's whimsical state of mind and provided the muse and the atmosphere for countless anecdotes. Thanks Chloe.



HEALTH...................page 8

Since the first days in Vietnam I noticed three very important women's activities that contribute greatly to the Vietnamese women’s health. Women ride bicycles everywhere, women work in rice fields and women carry bamboo sticks on the shoulders with very heavy cargo suspended at both ends.
The first one (bicycling) slides triumphal into the "good girl" category. Keep it up ladies... Good for the heart, the cardio and allow me to add, the thighs. I doubt very much that at this high rate of national cycling fixation, liposuction clinics will pop up in Vietnam as they did mushroom in Los Angeles’s after every spring rain.
Working in the fields is a totally different matter - I think you overdo it. I know you have 81 million citizens to feed in a relatively very small country - but bending over so many hours in the rice fields do not help your postures, and spending so many hours with your feet submerge in water makes them wrinkly. Very cute if you're a young child but very unattractive for women.
Then comes the Bamboo stick method of caring cargo. I saw women caring what looked like 150LB on these sticks - all on one shoulder. Good news for the tourists cause it makes for great vacation photos. Bad news for you - it kills your postures. Good news for the justice department - you look more trust-worthy with the scale of justice on your back - but think that this is a bit too drastic of a method just for that effect.



Fashion..................page 13

First I'd like to address the Vietnamese women with the pointy cone shaped straw hats. Thanks you! Thanks you! Thanks you! This is definitely a proof that a good design is timeless. As a tourist I thank you again - the pointy hats looks so "picturesque" and so "oriental" I love it!! - give yourselves a round of applauds for it.
I am so happy that you do not fall for the western women's obsession with gay designers. The Karl Lagerfeld pre-season "look" with the fan in the hand and the know-it-all imbecile smile, presenting the "fresh" design for the "women of today". Boring shit.
But I would like to address a very important fashion "No-No!". Many women in Vietnam wear, during the day, cloth face-masks and long opera style skin-color gloves, that cover their faces and arms all the way to their shoulders, respectively. I know that you are very, how shell I put it? , "concerned", with keeping your skin white - but Ladies!, this is too drastic!. you look like bank robbers. Bonnie and Clyde look was "in" some 50 years ago. I hate to place this truth so harshly in your faces - but you look goofy! Use sun block, or a parasol, and take the face-masks off!

One other important revelation I have for you - they invented the swim-suit or the bathing-suit in the western world some 80 years ago. Most women we see in Vietnam, and yes I know, in Cambodia as well, swim fully dressed in jeans and T shirt. NOT SEXY at all. Do I have to repeat this?
Good for the over-size women (not to many in Vietnam) bad for the bachelorettes among you.


SHOPPING.................page 21

The highlight of shopping in Vietnam is Hoi An. (Google it - it is worth it). This ancient little city on the coast, roughly in the middle of Vietnam, is a shopping heaven. In a little town, the size of Santa Monica (for my LA friends) one can find some 300 tailor shops and some 50 custom-making shoe stores.
This town is a well woven luring web of shops scenting the hordes of hovering tourists into shopping frenzy.
Chloe descended on this peaceful town like a veteran bird of pray. Expertly she narrowed her gazed on four little stores. In the first she had ordered a silk business suit (jacket, pants and skirt plus a silk top- $48) in the second some hot custom made silk pants with a matching great top - $16. In the third store, some other "very important" garments as she practiced her bargaining Kong Fu. Chloe's haggling skills improved in the last three month to a level that clearly identifies her as a native in any casaba in the Middle East. I hope the Canadian authorities still recognize her as a citizen when she returns to her native land.
She designed and ordered some custom made shoes as well. The average item was ready less then 12 hours later.
We saw lots of tourists that came to Vietnam and to Hoi An specifically to fill their ever expending walk-in closets with cheap and relatively well made garments.


Hair/ Makeup.............page 36

Since every woman in Vietnam has very straight black hair, I don't have much to say about it (count your blessings).
Very hard to get to creative with this - so leave it be.
The women of Vietnam spend too much time, effort and money (according to Dinh - our travel guide to Halon Bay) on trying to look more “white”. Michael Jackson have the same problem - and look at him now.
You'll be shocked to know that your western counter parts are doing the exact opposite trying to look more “tanned”.
I know you buy to many products that "promise" to bleach your skin but I can't offer you better solution at time of publication. I am working on a formula that I might unveil in my next mass e mail. (no animal testing!!! even though I could see fast results in baby seals)


HISTORY..................page 96

Very high concern is shown by the Vietnamese government to commemorate the fighting women of the "American War". We saw it on so many monuments and in so many art works in museums. We are convinced beyond doubt that the Vietnamese women contributed greatly to the county's Independence. I will not argue this historical truth. I promise. Never.
Chloe wants to see the "women museum " in Hanoi but I am a bit skeptic regarding my patronage of this sexiest establishment.


YOUR KIDS HEALTH.........page 57

This is a very important chapter for you ladies.
In Thailand we saw a very strong representation of McDonald's and KFC. Many of the Thai kids are spending more and more time seated and fighting the evil creatures commonly inhabiting the cyber shops computer screens. We saw lots of chubby kids and a few fat ones. See any connection?
In Laos and Cambodia the kids are so lean that they could make Twiggy look frightfully away from the mirror and ask :"Does this jeans make my ass look bigger?".
And here in Vietnam, I am afraid to report, I notice the same tendency among the kids to climb up the chubby scale. Vietnam is starting to include KFC and soon McDonald's in the culinary repertoire. See the connection?



FAMILY OUTING............page 91

I would like to dedicate this month's entry, in the family outing column, to the ancient and famous Hanoi Water Puppetry. Our South east Asia correspondent, Dear Ol’Zeev and his beloved friend Chloe visited it, the other night. here is what he writs us.

June 24Th 2005. Hanoi. The Water Puppetry Theater.
As good tourists Chloe and I, accompanied by our traveling friends Michelle (subject of the English crown) and Philippe (free citizen, French Canadian - hence the funny spelling of the name) joined us to an "intellectual" evening at the "Theater".
Get the impression that your dear Zeev was impressed?. Not so fast.
Upon entering the Lobby we were pleasantly greeted by low temperatures of an overzealous air conditioner. I LOVED this part!! Soon after, we were handed a paper hand fan - as a souvenir and a music CD. Still good.
But when the "performance" started all I could think of was the torturous Disneyland invention called "It's a small world after all.."...AAAAAAAAAAA I couldn't get it out of my mind.
**I watched the live band in traditional garments, and the ethnic musical instruments. ** I watched the extra layers of white makeup on the female musicians.
**I watched the water covering the stage thinking of frequency they have to change the water to prevent the puppets from bacteria infections. Do they have health insurance for the puppets?
**I looked at the tourists feverishly snapping uninspiring pictures.

NOTHING could wash the irritating tune out of my brain.
"It's a small world after all.."...

All in all, I was very relieved that the performance lasted only one hour. If they offered me a hefty bribe, I would gladly recommend it further. (in any currency)

And as a partying gift, I would like to offer my readers the ever lasting words to:

It's A small world after all

It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means
Friendship to everyone
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

and to the brave among you :

http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/smworld.htm

Please be warned - it'll take an average of 5 days or a good strong drug to wine you off it.



Love

Zeev

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Photos

Nap time
is she shaved?

Easy rider
going to work

Grandma in the sand
looking for the car keys

Lazy afternoon
did i leave the stove on?

Forget the toys
gimmi banana

Comments

[Mark]

~ huh? ~
what in the heck was your summary all about? it was nearly as undecipherable to me as it would be to a Vietnamese person ~

[Traveln Z]

Dear Mark
But you read it and you laughed and you had an emotional reaction that prompted you to comment -so all is well my friend - better then reading Fox news