Knowing Me, Knowing You

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Having spent 36 hours on a bus we were pretty pleased to arrive in Hanoi... my delight however was short lived as I think the place is a dump!! (sting loves it!) The journey from Vang Vieng to Hanoi was probably the second worst bus journey of my life (the first being Salou Tour 2007 when we had to share a 30+ hr bus with the men’s rugby team, who after 10 or so hours had pissed and shat on the floor and were all naked!) Unfortunately sting and I couldn’t sit together, she sat next to some random girl and I was sandwiched on the back seat between a Swedish and British guy!! The bus was then packed with parcels, luggage (some of which there was no room for so it was put on the roof) and then about 40 Thai/Vietnamese people... who didn’t have seats so sat (and then slept) in the aisle! (imagine 40 Thai/Vietnamese people preparing to do row row your boat and you have some idea of what sat in front of us!!) Needless to say with the Swede one side, the British guy the other and a Thai man in between my legs, I didn’t sleep and getting off the bus was impossible without standing on someone!! Thankfully sting swapped in the middle of the night and then spent the night spooning the Swedish guy.

On arriving in Hanoi we decided that we'd quite like to buy motorbikes and drive down the coast to south Vietnam. The fact we can’t drive motorbikes was an irrelevant fact we would cross when we came to it. We ended up stumbling across 2 Vietnamese guys selling 2 motorbikes. We checked them out and in our expert opinion they looked fine ie- 2 wheels, Handlebar, Pedals etc etc (Though on closer inspection the speed gauge was broken and the headlights didn’t work!!) They asked if we wanted to take one for a test drive... which I being the brave soul I am these days agreed to do.... Just as I was readying myself for takeoff a stupid woman parked her bike a metre in front of me.... fine I would just go round her.... Now, I slightly underestimated the power of the bike and as I twisted my hand back the bike started pretty quickly.... and flew into the woman’s bike.... she started screaming at me in Vietnamese.... which I didn't understand... which made me panic more....which made me rev more....which pushed my bike into hers more... which made her scream more....which made her small children scream.... which made sting die with laughter.....and me reconsider whether bikes were a good idea....

Being the cultural people that we are we decided to head to one of Hanoi’s many museums, we chose the museum of ethnology (whatever that is!!) I was kinda apprehensive about taking sting to another museum as last time we visited one in Chiang Mai she knocked an exhibit over and we had to leave. But to her credit she behaved really well and this visit passed without incident. Enriched by our cultural learning we then decided to catch a water puppet show (please everyone YouTube this and then maybe you will understand!!) water puppetry is a traditional thing in Vietnam and is quite possibly one of the most surreal things I have ever witnessed!! Basically, puppets (of all different shapes and sizes – some are dragons, others farmers) splash around in water for an hour!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! And I think a big part of us died laughing!

Now I think it’s fair to say sting and I haven't been ourselves since we left Laos and said goodbye to our friends (perhaps it’s the heartbreak of being abandoned by our straight girls!) and we've been a little lazy in Vietnam when it comes to meeting new people. It may come as a surprise to you all but sting and I are quite sociable people, so not speaking to people is most unlike us!! When I think back to the people we've met it's quite funny (and these are the ones that haven’t even made the blog!!)... There was Mark on Ko Chang who sounded like Lily Savage....kiki the one armed German lesbian.... Freddrico the tortoise....anyway....the couple of days after Laos we didn’t really have the energy or will to talk to people and make new friends..... UNTIL.... Our soul mates came into our world...
oh.... before I go on, we met an American guy on the bus and 2 Canadians in the Indian embassy who sold us $10.

We'd booked this boat tour to Halong bay (it's one of the prettiest places in the world apparently) but being the raging gays that we are our attention was taken by 2 rather attractive Swedish girls... before long we were chatting and conveniently ended up staying in the same hotel as them that night (it’s not stalking if they don’t know you’re following them right?).... So we hung out with them and had a few beers. Now I don't like to brag but our charm offensive was pretty impressive... sting discussed the economy... I told them my Jo from S Club 7 story.... Sting named everything she could think of associated with Sweden (Ikea & Abba) ... and I told them my mum had won the weakest link.... now I'm not really sure how it happened... but one thing led to another... and before you know it....
....we've agreed to celebrate Midsummer 2012 with them in Hyde park, where we dance around a maypole and wear flowers in our hair.... oh and they’re taking us to Gothenburg to meet Batman and Robin....oh and we’re also going to play Siamese football with them (yes it is as weird as it sounds and I’m not really sure how better to explain!!)

While sitting around with them, they were trying to ring one of their friends who they’d not seen in ages as she was staying in a hotel down the road.... the girl and her bf eventually turned up and would you believe it was actually the ones from the Indian embassy who we’d been chatting too and had sold us $10!! The Swedish girls refused to believe that we knew them, so we explained that we actually know a lot of people travelling... at which point the American guy from the bus walks in....we started chatting.... Swedish girls suitable impressed!!

Saying goodbye to the Swedish girls was hard and emotional (for us!!) but before we had chance to mourn the loss of our future wives we were put on a bus and informed we were going trekking.... TREKING?!! Where in the small print had it said we were trekking!! We were sure we had signed up for a leisurely boat trip around a quiet calm world heritage sight... NO THIS WAS EXTREME TREKING!! Before we’d had chance to say “SOS” (for those of you who didn’t get what I did there, SOS is a famous Abba song...Abba are from Sweden... The hot Swedish girls are from Sweden – the best jokes are always the ones you have to explain!!!) ....

So we were dropped off at the bottom of this mountain (sting says it was a hill but whatever) where our guide pointed us in a rough direction and said he’d pick us up in a few hours.... we began our trek and soon found ourselves faced with a decision... in front of us the path split in two... one path was signposted as the “gentle climb” route... the other “adventure” route.... I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you which one we took!!!... you know it’s bad when people are coming the other way with blood pouring out of open wounds... when they tell you to turn back.... when you can see fear in their eyes... and almost smell their despair...

It was pretty extreme trekking and pretty scary.... but we’re brave girls and made it to the top... on getting to the top the views were amazing and totally worth it... on the top there was a large metal ... structure... which if you wanted you could climb up.... we did... OMG FUCKING GOD!! .... we climbed up the very rusty steps.....getting higher up.....it hung over the edge of the mountain (hill) and looking down actually made me want to be a bit sick!!! We got to the top and then realised that the “roof” of the hut had half blown away and that there were gaps in the floor - 9 on the fucking scared scale!!!!! Sting suggested jumping up and down... I could have punched her there and then.... 9.5 on the fucking scared scale!!! (please see video for the full extent of our trauma!!)

From Hanoi we headed south to Nimb Binh, which although on the outside seemed to be a bit of a dump has actually turned into one of my favourite places. It wasn’t a very touristy place and while walking around we saw no other “whites”. Which meant that everyone was kinda in awe of us (I know, not surprising!!) people would walk past open mouthed and everyone would wave and say hello – it was like we were famous!! At one point we were walking down the street and a girl turned round to stare at us and fell down a hole! Another time someone was staring and walked into a lamppost.....
As is tradition our first night was spent trying to find the cheapest beer in town which we think we managed when we found a place costing 4000 dong (there are 34,000 dong to the pound)... we sat down and had one of our random chats (recently discussed topics include, whether a brother and sister sleeping together should be illegal, Our Children’s names and the consistency of our poo’s)
Before long we had been joined by two rats, so we decided to move on. I don't really know how it happened but clearly the 3 beers / rats piss went straight to my head and I actually managed to fall over on the pavement, which stingray thought was hilarious (it wasn't) and laughed continuously for a good 8 minutes!

After all the beer I was bursting for the toilet so we headed to a local cafe for some dinner, no one could speak English and despite the international sign language for toilet being pretty easy I couldn't bring myself to do it in front of the whole cafe! Thankfully she understood and directed me out back..... To a concrete floor... no toilet... I was desperate so obviously had no choice, but half way through did start to wonder whether she had understood me.... please god don't let me just be weeing on her floor!... to make my ordeal worse was the presence or a rather large and growling dog 2 meters away.... I couldn’t finish....

On returning to the restaurant I found sting chatting to 3 Vietnamese men (I say chatting, she can't speak Vietnamese and they couldn’t speak English - so the conversation was limited to "sabadee" (hello) and Cam on (thank you)... for whatever reason they we're very keen for us to join them at their table so we duly obliged and then proceeded to have beer bought for us. After Cheers-ing everyone we were urged to down our drinks...we did..... and again.... and again..... and again.... then they offered us some food - I think it was goat...we ate it.... then it suddenly dawned on us that this might be some sort of scam, were they just going to make us pay for all their beers? We made our excuses and said our goodbyes and offered to pay for our meal, but to our amazement the Vietnamese men said it was on them..... genuinely surprised and happy by their generosity we both felt a little bad for thinking the worst!... we wandered down the street a little further and found ourselves an outside stall selling beer, we sat down (surrounded by Vietnamese people - who stared at us in amazement!).... then they urged sting to smoke from this rather large wooden pipe.... obviously she did.... obviously I thought she was going to die... obviously she didn't..... but the locals found this hilarious and began taking photos on their iphones and encouraging her to do some more.... she did some more.... and more.....and more.... and more... until I actually asked her if she needed me to carry her home (thank god she said no as I had no idea where we were and I was still kinda aching from my fall!!) after several smokes we decided to head home.... when sting needed the toilet... so in true British style we found a quiet alley.... which turned out not to be so quiet when a bus of Koreans drove past.... she didn’t finish....

So.... (Damn our lives for being so busy – for those of you not asleep by now I *think* our story is nearly at its end.... I shall summarise the rest.....

On March 1st I actually really really wished I was at home, that hasn’t happened much but on Tuesday I
really wanted to be in England..... So I could watch mum on the weakest link 

*at this point of writing I realise I have no underwear on....I’m not sure why but I’ve not been sober since 10am yesterday*

We’ve got to be in Cambodia on Friday so we can fly to India on Sunday so we’ve been going pretty quickly through Vietnam... from Nimb Binh we went to Hue where we went on a motorbike tour (We were on the back and had guides, I think the Hanoi authorities must have informed them of my motorbike ability!!) from Hue we went to Hoi An which was sooooo pretty, there were lanterns everywhere and the town was so nice at night. We got up at 4am to go and see some ruins at sunrise which was a bit rubbish. From there we went to Quy Nhon where we were told to try the seafood. We picked a couple of dishes and when they brought out some raw tuna we figured it must be sushi like so we started eating... around 7 minutes later they brought out a portable cooker for us to cook it on and found it highly amusing that we were eating the raw fish!! And then FINALLY... we arrived in Nah Trang... where we decided (as it was a Friday) to start drinking at 10am – we figured that in English time it was 3am so therefore fine to get drunk.... we continued drinking until 3am (Vietnam time)....we woke up the following morning nearly naked, with our door unlocked and money everywhere (we’d been to the cash machine) and my phone lost!!! With little or no recollection of our night (I remember the following – dancing to Bieber.... Sting playing pool with 2 strangers.... ringing Aussie Girl....) Thankfully still drunk when we got up we stumbled out and had breakfast and a beer to help us get through the day. Then a local suggested we go to the mud spa, so we did – still very drunk!! We got bikes (with guides, the Hanoi authorities probably told the Hue authorities who have now passed this onto the Nah Trang authorities!!) as we pulled away sting (still hammered) fell off the back.... this was hilarious!!

Anyway I really must go, the motorbikes are ready and sting wants to be on the road to Sweden before dark.....

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