Vietnam- a home from home. Beer, rugby and crickets!?

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Let’s kick off this blog entry with a little maths. What do you get if you add two Scotsmen, two English girls, world cup rugby on the telly and a very large quantity of cheap alcohol in Hanoi?? Answer- plumbing the depths of the “gourmet” items on a Vietnamese menu. Yes, we thought that it would be a jolly jape to try eating crickets. To be fair they weren’t too bad. Not as crunchy as you would imagine and took on the flavour of the pork fat that they were fried in. I do think that the jellyfish was a genuine mix up on the part of the bemused waiter but we scoffed it with drunken vigour. Now, I reckoned that a jellyfish would be too mushy even to try to cook with, and would have the consistency of a room temperature jelly. I was wrong. It put up quite a bit of resistance. It was clear with black speckles and was cut into small shapes resembling toe nail clippings and had the texture of cherry lips sweeties from my childhood. Tastes a bit like squid. Not for me again. Although, the crickets in the garden in Dunfermline had better mind their manners now! I am just glad that dog wasn’t on the menu (as we believe is common in Vietnam) or we may have woken the next day with a guilty conscience and traces of worming tablets in our bloodstreams!
That night progressed onto “beer corner”. For the uninitiated, this is a bustling intersection in the centre of Hanoi’s Old Quarter where beer is served from back alleys to punters who sit on upturned plastic buckets on the road for the princely sum of 15p per glass. As a Scotsman, I couldn’t let Chris visit the city without taking him to the cheapest bar in town. I use the word “bar” very loosely. We met a lovely bunch of geriatric Aussies who amused us greatly- I bonded well with a dusty retired GP and Chris seemed particularly taken by a 70+ year old ”lady” who kept demanding “where’s me f***ing beer?”. The girls entertained themselves with talk of the good old days as we were clearly well occupied. All was proceeding well until the local constabulary pitched up and spoilt the party. Sadly, my knowledge of Vietnamese licencing laws is not quite up to scratch or I would have defended our vendor in the street. I got the distinct impression that what had been occurring had somehow contravened local protocol as the vibrant throng scattered in all directions within seconds. We stayed behind to finish our beers and take photos in case it should help in court. I await the citation.
I would also like to point out that, on this occasion, there were two Scots in a Hanoi bar (almost vociferously) cheering on the English. The circumstances were somewhat mitigating- England had struggled so much to get on top of the robust Argies that a losing bonus point was to be awarded (which may prevent Scotland from proceeding in the competition). I like to think of it as more of a concession that we are actually very fond of our nearest neighbours (or at least our better halves!) There were a group of Welshies in the bar who must have had some Argentinian heritage who seemed particularly enthusiastic. The night grew to a close over cocktails and refusal to extend opening hours. Gayle and Chris thank you for a fantastic day in Hanoi- we look forward you visiting us in Auckland, Melbourne, Honolulu and New York for further fun - and hope to visit Honkers in the not so distant future . We also hope you both had horrible hangovers the next day and a long bus and boat journey like us!!!
Bleary-eyed, and yet to work out how hungover we were, a bus collected us from our friendly Hanoi home for a junk trip to Ha Long Bay. Apparently the limestone caves and nearly 2,000 small islands of Ha Long Bay have listed it as a world heritage site and have led to it being petitioned to become one of the seven modern wonders of the world. Sadly when we visited, it resembled the Isle of Skye on a dreich, wet weekend. A long debate between our guide and the boat captain ensued as to whether we could even venture out on the water. Thankfully, a predicted typhoon did not materialise, allowing us to man our posts on board at the bar and set sail. A distinctly Scottish theme ran through our motley crew of eight- us, a Scottish soldier on leave, three South-Africans called Munro with roots deep in Aberdeenshire and an Israeli couple (who were lovely and- contrary to previous reports- didn’t seem to take pleasure in animal cruelty). Despite awful weather, our trip was fantastic, largely due to our great shipmates and excellent guide. We visited a vast complex of colourfully lit caves which were only discovered in 1993 by a fisherman who dropped his knife down a hole. We never heard if he found his knife but several thousand tourists seem to find the caves every day and are now there in greater numbers than the stalagmites. We were greatly amused by the wide range of names for the apparently identical rock formations that our tour guide pointed out. There were many lions, dragons and turtles which were widely met with much scepticism however one formation gained near-universal approval- the nipple. Karen thought it more resembled an iced cupcake with a cherry on the top. Bless her cotton socks.
We were shortly let loose to explore the caverns and recesses of Ha Long Bay in two-man kayaks kindly rented from a floating village. Apparently these people live a completely floating life, largely fishing and never venture onto dry land. Their houses come compete with little generators to power their tellies. I didn’t see any Sky satellite dishes though. Our guide informed us that they don’t pay tax as they don’t live on land. I am thinking of discussing the possibility of dwelling on a barge under the Forth Road Bridge with my accountant upon return. I digress. Back to the kayaking, which was magical. We felt like we had drifted into a prehistoric world or the backdrop of Jurassic Park. We canoed under low cave entrances into large, round lagoons with high, vertical cliffs and another world. All that was missing was for a pterodactyl to swoop down and grab us or a Loch Ness monster look-a-likey to pop up and drag us down to the depths! Truly inspiring. I chose the back seat of the canoe to ensure that Karen did her share of paddling then took the most important job of steering whilst she built up a sweat. Back on the junk, we were all given a lesson in the construction of spring rolls for dinner followed by all jumping off the back of the boat into the warm, dark sea. No Loch Ness monsters materialised, and the local shark population must have been sleeping as we all survived to make it down for dinner. Late night squid fishing turned out to be more of a damp squib than a wet squid! Most shipmates ventured out for a cursory dangle of a lure in the water then retired to the bar. Thinking that “it’s always when you are about to give up that you catch something”, I persevered for about an hour fruitlessly. I even watched many fish disdainfully swim past my lure without a second glance. Another factor for my perseverance may have been that Karen had headed into the bar with gusto, seeking the karaoke machine. Thankfully I had previously warned all on board that Karen’s singing prowess relied more on enthusiasm and volume than talent so somehow the equipment was faulty when tested. A pleasant quiet night ensued. The weather was little better in the morning but we made the decision to head back to shore with all the others instead of our planned second night at sea. After a brief 5 hour bus trip, we were back in Hanoi for the night where we booked flights to Bangkok the following morning. I am sure that Ha Long Bay is a real paradise but we were just unlucky to see it at its worst. We will perhaps revisit on our second lap of the world that we are planning (only kidding parents!!!).
After a somewhat restless night in the hotel next door to our favourite one, we got a 6.30am taxi to the airport and waved a fond goodbye to Vietnam. It’s crazy, hectic, moped-filled cities contrast starkly with its beautifully laid-back rural areas with mile-upon-mile of white beaches and crystal clear water. Both sides of Vietnam have a charm and we have loved it. With a daily cost of living for tourists from about £5 a day it must be a location that most Brits should consider as an alternative to the Med. Just get there before everyone else finds out. The bad news is that word seems to have got out in Australia already, mate.

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