DIVE DIVE DIVE!

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Ash and Denise have departed the national park and on their way to Bangkok,so myself and niamh, not quite willing to return yet to the city ping pong balls coming from unusual places, have decided to head a different direction to the island of Ko Tao, thailands diving mecca and probably the cheapest place to learn how to scuba dive...Shazam!

The best way to get to Ko Tao is via sleeper ferry from Suratani, a town about 2 hours north of khao Sok. Suratani is still waterlogged due to the floods some weeks back and even miles from the coast locals are traversing what were once dirt roads on rubber dingy's and you could nearly walk across the bits and peices of swept away houses on either side of the road as if they were stepping stones. Its fairly grim stuff.

The minibus drops us off outside a "Tourist information" shop which myself and Niamh long since have begun refering to as "Tout information". The propriater informs us that the ferry to Ko Tao is a 2 hour drive away and he can helpfully arrange a combined minibus and ferry ticket for 850 baht nearly double the price it should be. Before we can jump back on our minibus, who insisted he would drop us to the ferry terminal, the van takes off at speed and disapears out of sight. We have no option but to to endure the "two hour trip" by walking no more then 200 feet down the street and turn the corner to the ferry terminal. Welcome to Thailand, where the visitor is not a tourist but a mark to be scammed conned and cheated at every available opportunity, do as the xfiles tagline says folks- trust no one.

You might find I can be quite bitter when relating these experiences, but the fact is such instances are commonplace. The thais in general are lovely friendly people but i'm sorry to say that for most part those involved tourist business are simply conmen with about as much morale fibre as slugs have teeth.

To be fair, there is a flipside to this as I saw in Bangkok and Ash said was even more prevalent in Phuket. The sight of dozens of western men upwards of 60 walking around with their arms groping scared looking young thai girls a good few years shy of twenty certainly makes gag reflex quiver. Recently, in Bangkok I saw some big lobster red behometh of a man with a disgusting reptillian leer on his face shoving two young thai girls into his hotel room with one hand while he held a camera and tripod in the other. Its clear that despite the mass of dodgey scam artists, that plenty of tourists come to this country to do far worse then overcharge for bus tickets and pressganging you into a rat infested hotel.

On a signifigantly lighter note, the night ferry was a blast, we had a few nice cold changs on the dock, ate some noodles that made the mouth water and then settled down on your blanket and slept it out until morning, the ferry's bow and stern lines kiss the the concrete on Ko taos harbour just as the sun is rising and you awake to rub the sleep from your eyes.

We checked into the dive resort called Crystal, the compettion in Koa Tao between diving schools is so intense that many of them offer free or extremly cut price accomadation so long as you sign up for a diving course. As i signed up to a four day Padi open water course my room rate was slashed to 200 Baht a night from 900. Niamh, while I was diving, was free to enjoy the resorts pool and sun loungers while I had to undergo 4 days of diver training. The course panned out as follows:

Day 1: We meet our instructors Ian and Cameron, Ian is an english bloke and im not good about the origins of various english accents judging from his voice he is from the same part of England where they speak like the narrator from Thomas the tank Engine. Cameron, an aussie, is only recently qualified as an instructor and we are told that we are among his first batch of Padi divers to be certified. As the week goes on Ian gradually lets Cameron take over the reigns bit by bit in the classroom which he did with absolutly no trouble at all. Both Lads are top blokes and extremly helpful.

We are given textbooks, which using all my willpower I refreigned from decorating with badly drawn mickeys or stickmen fighting each other, then it was time for the video modules. There was a total of 5 Video modules to watch and answer questions, we are doing 3 of them today and Ian promises them to be among the most exciting things we will ever watch on a television screen...naturally this was to be taken with a huge lorry load of salt. From the videos we learned the following:

Always ensure you dive with a buddy and preferally a large group of people. Ensure each member of your group is from a different ethinic background.

If you have a slightly overweight caucasion male in the above group wearing a Hawaiian shirt, he will get everything wrong and have to be corrected by another ethnically diverse member of the group who, in an horrific display of reverse racism, is usually scripted to die as the faithful sidekick in all action movies filmed during the same time period the padi educational film currently being discussed...unless this film is passenger 57.

Always bring a mobile phone at least as large as a tractor battery with you to contact the authoritys in an emergency.

Ensure you constantly smile at every stage of the dive and high five each other after attaching each peice of your diving apparatus.

Once the videos were over and the questions answered I returned to the villa to enjoy the Jack Bauer on television saving Los Angles from a diry bomb attack in 24 hours, killing dozens upon dozens of terrorists with guns, his bare hands and on one occasion even his teeth without ever having to stop and go to the toilet or sleep. What a Hero.

Day 2:

We were given diving buddies for the week and divided into two groups. I was in team "swinglirish" Made up of 3 Swedes, myself and an english guy called Joe, a good lad who was also designated as my diving buddy. Diving can be extremly dangerous so Padi insists that all divers should dive in buddy teams. In the event of one diver having problems his or her buddy can provide assistance. We got intoduced to the tools of the trade, the BCD( an inflatable vest that controls bouyancy) weight belts, regulators( breathing apparatus) and spare regulators for use by your buddy should his own malfunction. Prior to diving, it important to check not only your equipment but that of your buddies in the following order

BCD
weights
Releases( Weight belt and straps for BCD and tank)
Air
Friend( do the above for your buddy)

Padais earth shatteringly exciting video complete with its Power ranger diverse cast gives the abbreviation BWRAF as an acronam for remembering this procedure but Ian gave us the much better way of remembering it...

"Bangkok Women Really Are Fellas".

Ian and cameron also enlighted us to a phenomen called Nitrogen narcosis which occures during deep dives, which results in the diver essentially getting drunk on nitrogen. This has no lasting effects and fades once the diver ascends to shallower water but can result in what the Padi video discriibes as "foolish behavier". The lads said most of the time people grin or giggle to themselves but they did mention one story about a diver who got so " nitrogen narced" that he took off his regulator and attempted to offer it to passing and no doubt very unimpressed fish!

Once the checks were carried out the duration of the day was spent sitting in a semi circle in the deep end of the pool practicing skills such as regulator retreival and deflooding googles. I felt like Luke Skywalker in that Bacta tank at the end of Empire Strikes Back, without the guilt of attempted patricide and possessing both my forearms.

Day 3:

This was it, final exam which Ian and cameron warned that they would be very worried if we failed, followed by our first open water dives to 12 metres. Our first dive was in very choppy bay, the boat was bouncing like a washing machine cartrige and my Pad Thai from last night was getting ready to pole vault out of my esophagus and when we were told to jump in it didnt take much encouragement.

Hitting the water was like jumping into space, the big clunky tank and ridicious flippers you waddle around in on the deck become weightless, you let the air out of your BCD and begin to decend and the ocean surface glows above you. Your breathing like a darth vader and you watch your bubbles trail float off like tansparent stringless baloons above your head. You feel a momentary sense of panic fused with aldrenaline when you see how far from the surface you are without being able to stick your head up and take a breath, but you soon stifle the feeling and just enjoy the feeling of of being an esteemed guest of Davy Jones .

12 metres may not seem like much but its a fair distance underwater, in Andy measurements thats two fully grown tyrannosaurus rexes standing on each others heads. We reach the bottom and by this stage we can't see the surface but can see dozens upon dozens of fish swimming far above our heads. Ian brings the Swedes one way and mayself and Joe are told to Follow Cam and we spend the next few minutes floating over the reef. Later that morning we do a second dive the surface of the water suddenly darkened and we found ourselves below a shoal of fusiliers, a small reef fish, so large it blocked out the sun. On Camerons instruction we swam through the shaol and watched them part on either side as we went forward. before long I was completly encassed on all sides by a layer of unblinking eyes and brillent yellow and silver scales until suddenly I found myself in the open ocean once more and acended to the boat.

Day 4:

Today was our deepest dive allowable to a Padi Open water diver, 18 metres or 3 trexes, at a dive site called the twin peaks. We entered the water using a technique called a "Dead Mexican" yes I know that sounds a bit racist but apparently thats what its called, which consists of falling back first from a standing position into the water. The 18 metre descent was as cool as it was disorientating, once your half way down you can neither see the bottom nor the surface until suddenly your surrounded by coral and all the walks of aquatic life, Highlights of which included a pufferfish getting hastled by a remora and the slayer of the unfortunate Steve Irwin, the stingray.

By the 4th dive I was becoming more confident in the water and had taken to rolling onto my back while swimming with my hands behind my head as if I were lying out on the lawn back home. The only difference was I was suspended or as they say it in Diverese "Neutrally buoyantly" 2 metres off the seabed. Looking up and watching your air bubbles flicker off into the illustion of nothingness where the surface used to be is an amazing feeling. Upon completion of day 4's dives we were qualified open water divers and as the thai calender dictated, we had some reception waiting for us when we returned to shore...

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