Published: November 17th 2011November 16th 2011
We all sampled dodgy Thai spirits again (and felt the consequences), Kimpton confirmed his reputation for turning safe situations into dangerous ones, we met the Canadians from the boat again (big tits, blond hair and nose piercing,) we met loads of our friends from the hostel in Ko Samui, I discovered I want to move to somewhere in Scandinavia and we ate copious amounts of drunken schnitzel sandwiches.
The island was a immediately a different customer experience to anywhere else we'd been. The place we stayed (coral bungalows) seemed to be running like a well oiled machine. The guy who took our bags had adopted a chavy English accent from all the tourists passing through and from watching guy Ritchie films. We asked the lady behind reception if we could pay our room fee that had been tripled for full moon later. She replied: "no, you pay now." As well as this, the chavvy Thai guy that took our bags was actually having banter with us and the recepitonist. Something we hadn't seen before. It definitely made me feel like they were well practiced at having mugs like us pay three times as much just come to the full moon
The first night was Coral Bungalow's big selling point: pool party. We all sat down for dinner in the restaurant that served Mexican food, Indian food, Roast Dinners, pizza, pasta, All day breakfast, Thai food, the list was endless. It all felt a bit like a school trip, a school trip with oodles of sex and cheap, cheap alcohol.
We bumped into the Canadians (Blondie, nose piercing and big tits) at dinner yet again. This time big tits had her big tits fully on display - they were the word on everyone's lips when she left the conversation. She definitely loved the attention otherwise she wouldn't have got the back breaking boob job.
Again the Canadian girl with the nose piercing was super-keen and my night began positively as I'd started to kiss her with putting virtually no effort in at all. I thought to myself that this was going to be a fantastic night for me after the failings of our previous encounter. How wrong I was.
There was a minor issue after we'd be kissing in the pool for ages. I had a boner in the pool, naturally as she was giving me a hand job, and she asked me to get out and go for a walk on the beach. A boner on the dance floor I can deal with, just hide it in your waste band, but a boner in swimming shorts is a different kettle of fish, if I did that it would be poking out the top of my shorts. So much to her annoyance she had to wait for me to as I tried to take my mind of it by making polite small talk with a fellow pool partier.
I then followed her as she randomly swam out onto a platoon in the sea. I needed a wee, but didn't want to spoil the mood of the situation. So while I swam slowly back to shore releasing the urine I was so desperate to get rid of, all the while the was waiting for me, wandering why I was taking so long. Still unbelievably, she was interested.
My misery was compounded when we got back to my room and that thing happened to me that happens to lots of guys when they've drank too much alcohol and try to have sex - enough said.
Second day I met up with the two girls from Brighton that Kimpton and John had met the previous day and we all went down to the main beach that the full moon party was to take place on. The beach was undeniably gorgeous. Soft sand, clear sea and big wide beaches where you could play volleyball and beach football. We got invited to dinner by the Brighton girls who we thought were fit and definitely keen. It was also our second invitation to dinner this trip - we must be doing something right.
We seemed to fit in easily together with the girls. Conversation flowed from abortion, to what careers we were going to do, to how drunk we were going to get that night. In the end we did got pretty drunk and to my knowledge no-one got pregnant. With our endless inappropriate sexual innuendos, I feel like they felt we were the most disgusting guys they'd ever met - but in a nice way.
We checked out the beach we were going to party on for full moon the following night. We smoked Sheesha, had a couple of beers, got some schnitzel and I headed back with John, Kimpton went to Skype his girlfriend.
The next day was the only thing we'd known we were actually doing since we arrived in Thailand: full moon party. After going out to dinner with the Brighton girls and playing volleyball and going in the sea all day we bought some budget Thai vodka and headed back to the bungalows for ring of fire and decorated each other with UV paint.
I went out in only swimming shorts with the following things written on me: 'I'm down to spoon', a picture of 'blue waffle', 'mother lover', 'HIV positive', 'herpies', 'child molester', a British and Japanese flag.
The actual full moon night ended disappointingly early for me. I got excited by the prospect of all-you-can-drink vodka at pre drinks, headed out quite drunk and immediately lost John, Kimpton and the rest of the people we were with.
I don't know who invented grinding but they must have been a sex addict, I always find the touching with a stranger over promiscuous and awkward. I found a Norwegian girl and did one of my favourite things. Dancing like a nut job with someone else who also enjoys dancing like a nutter. It was fun for a while until she introduced me to her boyfriend. Attractive and fun girls are a rare combination so it's annoying when they have boring boyfriends (she was having much more fun with me.) And it's even more annoying when they are Scandinavian. I left her and bumped into John and Kimpton who now had beers.
I headed off to the nearest 7/11 to get myself a bottle. I started chatting to another fit Scandinavian (this time Danish). Anyone who has read 'the game' will tell you to chat to the least attractive girl in the group to make the most attractive one jealous. I think the girl I was chatting to had a friend but I didn't even look at her because the girl I'd starting chatting to was so fit. I had great banter with her for a while, we chatted about the similarities in British and Danish humour - all of which I was previously unaware of. I moved onto the 7/11 to get my beer.
I found John and Kimpton again and we went down the sort of water slide that British health and safety freaks would have banned. I lost John and Kimpton again, danced like a mental case with two girls from Manhattan and passed out on the sand. Probably a combination of exhaustion and the vodka kicking in.
I got woken up by another attractive, friendly Scandinavian (Norwegian) with sand in my eyes, ears and hair. I was a mess. I found the Canadian girl that I'd pulled at Railay and the pool party. She took my to Kimpton and John who bought be a Schnitzel sandwich. They kept on mentioning that my eyes looked really bloodshot. I know I chatted with the Canadian girl on a curb for about five minutes, but I can't remember what we talked about. I walked back on my own, washed some of the sand off in a shower, squashed a cockroach with the bin provided in the room and went to bed at about 2am - a rubbish effort for full moon.
I know very little about John and Kimpton's night. I do know however, that Kimpton is a walking disaster. He burned himself jumping over fire skipping rope (he thought it was the kind of fire that doesn't burn), he scraped one of his toenails on the road walking to full moon, blistered his foot scuba diving, later gave himself an electric shock trying to plug a light switch on at a bar and he even reskidded the skidmark in his boxers. I know John got with an Aussie girl, but I don't really know the details of that.
I was sharing a double bed with John, but I also found to my surprise, Swedish Eric next to me (the one who I ran away from the angry Thai moped man with in the last destination.) I felt fucking awful. I had a cold and felt sick even before I started drinking on full moon. My mouth tasted of the cheap vodka from the night before, my cold was horrendous and I definitely wanted to throw up. To make matters worse, Swedish Eric had loads of energy and was dancing and singing round the room. Maybe I was hallucination or maybe if I moved to Scandinavia I'd be this energetic and happy when I'm hungover. I hauled myself out of bed, ordered a chicken sandwich with Kimpton. I ran to the toilet, threw up the water I'd just drank and forced down the sandwich.
We didn't leave the hostel that day. Just bought packaged food from the 7/11, watched 'Dodgeball' and played cards with the Brighton girls. We were scuba diving the next day and we needed to be in tiptop condition for that.
Americans are annoying bunch and sometimes they don't even realise they're being annoying. They applaud at the end of movies, applaud at sunsets, most don't know anywhere outside their own country and they insist on tipping everywhere they go. John and I had to dive with one. She kept on swimming off, meaning we had to wait around wasting our time with our bald German guide until she had finished taking photos of fish. When we got back on the boat all she said was "great dive huh?" She didn't even realise that she'd wasted our time. Maybe if we'd said something to her it would go someway to stopping Americans ignorance of their annoyances.
From the moment I woke up that day I felt shit, had a cold and I constantly felt like I could throw up. The dive, near Ko Tao, had less good visibility and worse weather than Ko Phi Phi. When I surfaced from the second dive I constantly had the feeling that I was going to be sick (I wasn't even tempted my Kimpton's offer of crisps.) We were also going down to the same location as the first dive. I'm just trying to make excuses but basically I just didn't feel like going down the second time. So I didn't. John and Kimpton will never let me hear the end of it, but I don't care.
There are people that spend their lives living on a yacht; I think I'd constantly be feeling sick. The boat ride back was horrendous, rocking massively from left to right the entire way. I just don't think I'm designed for the sea. I much prefer land that isn't moving and I was glad when I returned back there.
We all came back to coral bungalows feeling pretty knackered. We went to 7/11 and bought some more packaged food and water. We said goodbye to the Brighton girls and went to bed, smelly clothes stuffed into our backpacks with the horrific thought of 32 hour journey the entire length of the country on Thailand's frustrating public transport system.