Thailand - Where there ain’t no party like a full moon party

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So, its been over 2 months since heartache and poo was last updated and I’m sure if you weren’t already bored of the travelling lesbian (and sting) saga you are now. But I have some time to kill and thought I might as well update you on our adventures.
On leaving India some 2 and a half months ago we returned to Bangkok where Sting finally decided to bite the bullet and do what she’d been threatening to do for several months – get dreadlocks. Obviously her own hair wasn’t long enough but for just 20 quid she could have the hair of a ginger Russian prisoner woven into her own hair. Sting bit the womans hand off at the prospect –metaphorically speaking of course (that’s not allowed, even in Thailand). And so within just 3 magical hours the transformation was complete… I was travelling with Newton Faulkner.

Newton and I left Bangkok pretty sharpish as time was tight and Cambodia was calling. It’s a beautiful country Cambodia with a terribly sad recent history but it’s “crown jewel” is the temples of Angkor Wat. Normal people – everyone bar Newton and I – like to spend 3 days looking around the various temples admiring the architecture and drooling over the ruins, but by 11am we’d seen the gist of it and left!! It isn’t quite as bad as it sounds as we had arrived at the temples early. It’s the done thing to get up early and watch the sun rise over Angkor, and so there we were at 4am standing in the dark, freezing cold (you know the scene from Cool Runnings where they put the Jamaican in the ice cream van and his dreads freeze – that was Newton…only less “tanned”). We gathered with the other tourists eagerly anticipating the mystical moment when the sun rises casting a wondrous light over the earth and signalling the start of a new and exciting day. Hearts pounding, eyes fixated and the anticipation almost unbearable. Everyone poised with their camera desperate to capture the image forever. Thankfully we were able to capture the moment perfectly with this photo (see image 1)

Yes that’s right whilst standing at Angkor Wat a wonder of the ancient world surrounded by tourists our attention was not taken by the incredible sight before us, instead it was firmly fixed on the stray dreadlock which had fallen from Newtons head. Dreadwatch had begun. Over the coming days and weeks Ginger Russian hair would be found in the most obscure places as slowly Newton Faulkner turned into… Phil Collins.

Exhausted from our early morning exploits we settled ourselves in a bar ready to watch William Windsor marry Katherine Middleton - I seem to recall we had just finished cutting the crusts off our cucumber sandwiches and we’re gleefully apply the cream to our cream tea ready for a civilised celebration of our future kings marriage, when…. as is so often the case with this travelling malarkey who should walk into the bar but only bloody Adele and Grace from Brighton (the ones that “kindly” buy you shots of tequila on Thursday nights so you feel even more horrific in work on a Friday morning!!). And so I’m sure it comes as no surprise when I say they forced Newton and I to get hopelessly drunk… and so before we knew it Wills and Kate were a distant blur, Newt was face down in the cream tea and we were drunkenly bundled onto a Phnom Penh bound bus at 5am minus half our belongings…..and 2 dreadlocks….

Motorbikes are great fun, though I must admit I’ve gone off them in recent times. A love affair that began in Ko Chang and continued through Vietnam began to somewhat unravel as we wheeled our way through Cambodia. Staying in the middle of nowhere we had little choice but to hire a 2 wheeled friend, we had gone all of 200 metres down the dirt track leading to the hotel When Newton (now down to 15 dreads, 5 to the left side, 4 in the middle and 6 to the right after one fell out on a sun lounger (see image 2) decided to drive through a rather large pile of sand….Bikes don’t care much for sand and with little warning we skidded uncontrollably, my life flashed before my eyes as we rather dramatically fell off!…Thankfully it was sand and so we dusted ourselves down and without any injuries continued our journey. Newton sadly wasn’t so fortunate, a single dread lay in the sand, abandoned from the head it loved so much, detached from its friends, alone in a scary world where dreadlocks struggle to survive, a victim of evolution. As if our near fatal motorbike crash and the trauma of the subsequent loss hadn’t been enough , whilst driving through town –covered in sand – we were pulled over by the police and told we had to pay them a fine because we were driving without a valid license. With jail hanging over us like a dark cloud (metaphorically speaking) and books like “forget you had a daughter” and “the damage done” racing through our minds we reluctantly paid the £1.71 fine and got on our way. But that wasn’t to be the last of the days drama, obviously God was in a pissy mood with us and the metaphorical dark cloud turned into a rather real thunderstorm just in time to drench us on the ride home….though it did get the sand off the bike, so in His face!

After just over a week in Cambodia Newton and I returned to Bangkok for the next leg of our trip. We were minding our business (probably counting / looking for dreadlocks) when who did we bump into?.. Only bloody Chesney Hawkes and Ronnie Wood (and they were holding hands!!) Now if I wasn’t excited enough about travelling with Newton Faulkner I was a whole lot more excited now!! !

And so to summarise the fab fours tour of Thailand…

We decided to improve our culinary skills and enrolled in a Thai cooking school. All desperate to win the “best cook” award Newton and I set about our charm offensive, Newt discussed the economy... I told her my Jo from S Club 7 story.... Newt named everything she could think of associated with Thai cooking (Red Thai Curry and Green Thai Curry ) ... and I told her my mum had won the weakest link.... As the competition (and the kitchen) heated up, the pressure took its toll and before you could say “Fair cop gov’nor” Chesney had dropped her ingredients on the floor and Ron was forcing a small boy to help her make her curry paste as her “arm ached”… the travelling lesbians were promptly crowned the “best cooks”.

After the Thai cooking class we headed for the islands. We arrived in the beautiful island of Phi Phi for some sun and beach time and found ourselves a nice hotel before heading out for some food and drinks. We had a few drinks and I headed back to the hotel for an early night, it wasn’t until some hours later that Ches started banging on my door telling me Newton was about to have a fight! I rushed to the dreadlocked ones aide (now down to 9, 2 to the left side, 1 in the middle and 6 to the right). Rather than the bare knuckled street fight I had imagined instead it was a full on boxing ring with strobe lighting, judges and a rather mean looking large lesbian. In the build up to the fight we reassured newton that she could defeat the monster in front of her (LIES) that she didn’t look fat in her red boxing shorts (LIES) that we wouldn’t laugh if she got knocked out (LIES) and then prompted to give her lessons in boxing Rocky would have been proud of (LIES). With Ches’s inspirational match talk ringing in her newly pierced diamante ears the fight finally began…. obviously it was brutal…obviously it was hilarious…obviously it wasn’t really a fair fight… .obviously the large lesbian won …….and obviously there were only 8 dreadlocks left by the end.

The Kat Pack headed to “the beach” and had a fantastic time snorkelling – particularly Ronnie and I who loved splashing around in the freezing cold water desperately trying to keep our head afloat and avoid swallowing the small Nemos which swam around us. Ron hadn’t been having a great time of it really, her ankle had swollen up so much it rivalled my Nans and her once sleek straight hair had developed into such a large afro I had started calling her scary spice behind her back. From the fun of snorkelling and Phi Phi we descendent upon Ko Pha’ Ngan ready for the ultimate party – the full moon party! Where naturally we covered ourselves in florescent paint and scrawled various crazy hilarious things across ourselves – including a mental one on Jen’s arm which simply read “VBH’s Mum” …written by Ches (how hilarious and crazy can one girl possibly be!!?). Unsurprisingly we all got hopelessly drunk on deliciously horrific buckets before jumping over flaming ropes and through flaming hoops before staggering home and passing out.

The following morning, a loud banging on the door awoke Newton. She wiped her sleepy eyes and stumbled to the door where a young guy stood, “what are you doing in my room?” he asked…. “This is my room” Newton replied… “No, this is MY room” he stressed… “Nah mate, you have the wrong roo----” Newt at this point turned round to illustrate the point and show the man it was in fact he who was mistaken, but only succeeded in proving the point that actually SHE was indeed in the wrong room…. “No apparently I have the wrong room….” Newton stood perplexed, the sleeping body she had assumed was me was in fact an unknown guy and sprawled across the floor were 2 other men, none of whom she recognised. Where she was, she didn’t know. How she got there, she had no idea. Where her remaining dreadlocks had gone, a complete mystery. How good the orgy was, she’d thankfully forgotten.

And so, off Ches and Ron went back to blighty leaving the now de-dreadlocked Newton and I to continue wandering the world. But no sooner had we lost 2 lesbo’s we found another 2. In the form of Balcony and Balcony’s mate. To Indonesia we headed….

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Comments

[JenWade Ronnie JC Barker...]

Your first ever blog response...
Ahh bloggy, EVERY bit an acurate account of events...COOKING <WINNERS?!!! Funny funny blog KB, loling at my desk. Makes me miss you, the open road...and the dreadlocks xx