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Published: December 13th 2006
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There is a saying among travelers; you just know when you have hit your wall.
What it means basically is that you have come to a point where the novelty wears off, the adrenaline settles and the choice to push through the exhaustion and homesickness or to embrace it and hightail it comes to a head.
Usually the “wall” occurs after some enormous self-discovery or an emotional event.
Well, today I hit my Thailand wall. It was a bit of a slow process but I have come to terms with its presence over the last few hours.
While playing with the kids earlier today (the Floam™ from Wal-Mart was a great hit this morning) I noticed the new boy Kai Dum (or “P”) was acting a bit strange. I watched and played and noticed it through out the day as well, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was later during a snack when I asked him if I could open his cracker bag for him that I realized that he doesn’t talk. Nothing, not a sound.
I spoke to the other staff about it and they all agreed that he has not
spoken a word since coming here at all. Not a sound, not a wimper, not a word.
One of the staff enlisted a bit of help from his older sister Jing Jang and asked her if he could talk…she shook her head “no” and told the staff member he never has. Nothing.
I don’t know why that little revelation made an impact…I see kids here who are afraid of doors…so not talking -ever- seems like a small thing in comparison to some of the effects of trauma, but this one hit me.
I bawled….then I bawled some more and went to talk to Rotjhana who put me to work writing Christmas greetings to the sponsors on cards so the kids could watercolor and sign them….I think I sobbed through the whole thing…about an hour. Then I went and changed clothes (a normal midday wash and change around here) and I began to notice the things that the novelty had hidden, like the smell of the cabbage cooking next door, the never ending parade of mangy deformed dogs, or the garbage strewn about…the smells, the sights, the lack of a clean surface anywhere…the potential diseases and bugs and
hurt that exists everywhere out here.
I spent the afternoon hating it…hating being so selfish, so scared, so alone and so helpless to do anything really that will ever make a difference.
So much for the self-pity party though, Rotjhana basically tossed my scrawny ass into the van in the evening as I went about hunting for something that looked like supper. On top of me she loaded about 13 kids including my own and a few drums.
Apparently tonight is the first of a two day practice party at the common hall/restaurant (outdoor kitchen and open space covered by thatch roofing.) The party is on Friday and is a good bye and thank you to Panyella and Mareena who leave on Friday.
So I find myself and my pity party surrounded by over stimulated kids in a van on our way to Ban Muang for the evening.
Watching these kids enjoy every moment of what they had together with their “family”; the food (as simple as boiled rice, squash, pork balls and fried egg with chili is); the music (self made on the drums and with their voices); the closeness and the time; reminded me that I am the one suffering the most today. My party for one was over and really never should have begun. So I am sitting on my bed on the floor (mat with pillows), my kids nestled nearby, and the luxury of a laptop writing out my day’s story…..
What do I have to feel badly about.
So, I challenged the wall with the help of a few simple smiles and genuine okay-ness around me. I am still homesick, but not for home…rather for the warmth of my own circle around me.
We spent the day at Yin Yao School with 300 students and a puppet show.
The kids and I tagged along for a presentation that some of the staff here does for a variety of schools in the area. Cute show….the kids loved it…the students loved Marrin and Miles and I ran into my friend Lee that I had met on the bus to Kao Lak and who accompanied me to Ban Niang last weekend.
She is stationed at this school for the week and is happy to be in one place longer than a few hours….I guess the schools around here are in desperate need of native English teachers and she is shared among the district schools as she is the only one here now.
(No, I am not going to get a job here doing teaching…she is a volunteer and the schools cannot financially support an English teacher)
More later…..
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Andrea from P.I
non-member comment
the party
i fully appreciate you sharing the range of your experiences. you have certainly eloquently captured an all too familiar feeling. love and light to you and the kiddies!