Jungle Back

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The proceedings of a thunderstorm had began so I sought refuge in a nearby pub. As I sat down in the pub I instantly felt that there was something wrong. I promptly jumped to my feet to discover that there were red ants festering in my chair. From nowhere I pulled out a tube of Nippon in order to defeat the infestation. This only seemed to make matters worse though as the numbers began to increase and a whole army of red ants began to emerge from within the vicinity of the chair. It got worse though, not only were the army of ants multiplying in numbers, they were also multiplying in sheer body mass, growing larger by the second until they were roughly the size of a six year old children. From this point on they began to fire formic acid all over the pub burning peoples faces off.

It was at this precise point that I decided to brave the thunderstorm outside and exit the pub. Only it wasn't as simple as that, as upon my exit I found myself in a medieval castle where everyone was doing Kung-Fu on one another and I was rubbish at it so I just kept breaking chairs over peoples heads......Then I woke up.

I was having another crazy dream as a possible result of the malaria tablets, just about the only side effect I have received from them luckily. But I did discover and explanation for the constant thunderstorm throughout the dream. A Japanese guy in the dorm happened to be snoring his arse off. Another downfall of dorms, not only do they smell of soap dodging backpackers but you always get a ridiculously loud snorer. But they are dirt cheap, so can't complain really.

I gave the Japanese guy five minutes before I had no choice but to take action otherwise I was never going to get back to sleep. The side of his bunk was just about within arms reach from mine so I wielded an empty plastic bottle and with one suttle swipe struck the side of his bedpost. The mission was a success, he let off one last violent blast and then subconsciously rolled over and fell into a silent state. Being quite chuffed with the results I celebrated in style by going back to sleep.

WAKE

So I find myself once again preparing to venture into jungle habitat to sweat my nuts off. I don't know why I do it to myself, I really don't think that jungles are designed for Englishman, but Taman Negara is apparently a must see sight. It is Malaysia's biggest National Park and it's rainforest's cover some 1,300 square KM's and at 130 million years of age is the oldest rainforest on earth. For the naturalist the forest is stocked full of life, there are over 10,000 species of flora and fauna, with over 250 species of bird, elephants, tigers, leopards, bears, rhinos, tapirs and of course monkeys. So naturally (no pun intended) this slice of rainforest has a lot to offer. (I'm basically ignoring the spider statistics, I just don't want to know, it's easier that way).

To get across to the main part of the National Park you have to catch a boat across the river from one of the floating restaurants which sets you back one Ringgit (14p). From here on the park is your merry little oyster. After studying a map of the park for about 7 seconds I decided that I would head to a place called Kuala Treggan and back again which would be about a 16 km round trip. Perhaps a little optimistic be in so I haven't done any proper exercise in a while but in over a weeks time I would be tackling the might of Mount Kinabalu on Borneo so I thought that it would be a good idea to work up a bit of a sweat.

Optimistic being the prime word, I did the canopy walkway first and then headed in the direction of Kuala Trenggan. I got to round about the half way mark before telling myself 'This is Bollocks with a capital 'B''. Not only hadn't I seen any other human traffic on my travels which was mildly concerning I also didnt like the idea of getting to my destination and then turning straight back around and walking back the same route. It just struck me as a little boring, I mean jungle is jungle and it all looks pretty damn similar but I'd still prefer to take an alternate route back. The alternate route though looking as if it could take days as opposed to hours. I could have always perhaps flagged down a boat from the riverside, but I wasn't willing to take the risk of getting ripped off by one of the locals.

This lame excuse of not being arsed to walk back the same route that I had already previously walked appeared to have had the desired effect on me as I turned to head back the other way. The sound of Cicadas were ever prevalent on my trek, I also came across a wild boar, some jungle squirrels, a chestnut-winged flycatcher and I believe that I heard some kind of hornbill but failed to locate its actual where abouts amongst the dense jungle foliage. And of course my old friends the leeches were also present.

I began to encounter the presence of humans on my trek back, among them two Americans lugging there 60 plus kilo backpacks through the jungle with them which was just suicidal given the humidity of the jungle. But I mostly came across groups of Malaysians who were being led on package tours through the jungle. I learnt that most were heading for Kuala Trenggan where they would stay the night before moving on deeper into the jungle. Many of the people stopping to ask me if I had been trekking alone. Several of them praising me which was quite cool, it was only when I decided to lie through my teeth to a tour guide that I became fore filled with a false abundance of inspiration. The guide had asked me if I'd just trekked from Kuala Trenggan by myself to which I obviously hadn't but I however found myself saying 'Yes' anyway to which the guide replied 'Ah, very good, very courageous'.

'Damn right I'm courageous' I thought to my lying bastard self. I don't as a whole approve of or for that matter endorse lying but do believe that there is a time and a place for it. In fact, I bet a shit load of lies have been told in jungles, it's an ideal place to lie, even if it's a hollow lie with not much to support it because nobody really cares that much in the jungle because of the humidity, the energy levels to query and interrogate one are kept to a minimal. And thus my jungle lie definitely proved worthwhile, it filled me with enough confidence and inspiration to plan a new route for myself to undertake. I opted to trek 344 metres up Bukit Teresik and from the top I celebrated by polishing off a tub of pringles and then headed back down to base for a shower where I discovered a leech bite on my ankle, which was gay. But bar that the trek had proved quite a good little work out. I shall do some more trekking in the Cameron Highlands and then with a bit of luck I will have the stamina levels to conquer Mount Kinabalu.

(The lady on the computer next to me is cutting her toe nails, surely not the place for such an act?)

In the evening I decided to go for a beer, when the bill turned up I overheard some frog speaking in his native tongue. Now I don't speak much French as I normally find that they speak way to fast for you to be able to comprehend what they are actually saying, but sometimes you can decipher little bits and pieces. Well, I caught this....

'Fuir le Anglais' (followed by a camp chuckle).

So he had basically said something along the lines of 'The bill is here, time to flee/escape like the English' and found himself to be incredibly funny. This kind of pissed me off a bit so whilst sorting out my bill I quickly began to conjure up some thoughts mostly involving revenge attacks. One being as I leave I walk past his table and say 'Au Revoir', even though that would be a little bit cheesy he will then know that I overheard him speaking and that I also understand what he said.....roughly. My second thought was to go over to his table and plain and simply call the c**t a c**t. Or there was my third option which was just walk past his table, say nothing and go to bed bitter and angry.

I'll leave you to decide what choice I may have made as there's a toilet roll sale on round the corner and at 6 baht a roll it's an opportunity not to be missed.

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Photos

ATTENTION
Kind of a harsh penalty considering the entry ticket only costs about 1 ringett. (14p)