A lot of rubbish but no junk.

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The straits of Johor which seperates Singapore from Peninsula Malaysia is only a kilometre across but the difference between the two countries is vast. Gone are the western comforts, such as the English language and toilet paper.

Having successfully navigated through the border crossing into Malaysia and into Johor Bahru (according to my Visa my reason for visiting is 'Official Mission' - this was never questioned), we were then supposed to get on the same bus to Larkin Sentral where we could get another bus the 244km to Melaka but here is where it all started to go wrong. We went the wrong way out of the terminal and weren't allowed back through due to inconvenient one way border control rules. So this landed us in the middle Johor Bahru - a state capital the Lonely Planet describes as "there is little reason to hang around"without a clue of how to get where we needed to be. This must be a mistake westerners make often because waiting for us was a lovely man (a.k.a bastard numero uno) who explained we must now get a taxi and it'll cost 30RM, we promptly told him to piss off eh. Along the line another man (a.k.a nice guy numero uno) came to our aid and fortunately he filled us in on what to do and what we should expect to pay. Given this info we got on a local bus which was clearly sign posted as going to Larkin, we got on and the driver sells us two tickets each - not the best of scams i admit. After a while we enquire into how long until Larkin, he says "1hr 30mins", we say "but Larkin is only fucking 5km outside of town", and suddenly the bus driver has forgotten how to speak English and this bus isn't going to Larkin at all! (a.k.a bastard numero due). Again some guy on the bus (a.k.a nice guy numero due) helps us off the bus and secures us a taxi at the going rate to Larkin Sentral. So eventually we get on a bus to Melaka, nice...

So there is definately a constant fear here of being ripped off; when you're getting ripped off for the sake of a few pence it don't really matter but i still wanna Roshambo these idiots, right in the nuts!

After all that chaos I needed a piss, I needed it bad and this bus wasn't stopping for no one. So desperate times call for desperate measures, I found a quiet spot at the back of the bus, just me and my bottle, a bottle with a comparatively small opening - it was a mess but i felt better.

Arrived in Melaka, a port city on the West Coast known for its historic sultriness. We booked into a shithole hostel for $2.50 each, it had bed bugs for sure so Sian was up all night on guard while i slept soundly. Not much to see or do here, we perused the night market setup on Jonker Street in the heart of Chinatown - here you find clan houses where the neighbourhoods senior citizens come to show off their karaoke and line dancing prowess. Highly entertaining, they are fucking shit at both.

The next day we hightailed it out and jumped on a bus to Mersing a 5 hour journey over to the East Coast, the main departure point for the island of Tioman. I didn't want to make the same mistake again so i drank virtually nothing, went for three pisses beforehand and spent the entire journey reciting "i do not need a piss" in my head, phew. The bus driver was an absolute animal, overtaking pretty much anything and drifting round corners - Sian was shitting a brick while the locals on the bus were asleep.
We made it though and eventually found a hostel to bed down for the night in Mersing before getting the ferry the next day across to Tioman, this time we had an en suite including a hose to wash your ass.

So now in Tioman; think Lost, we've found it but the only thing that kills people here are falling coconuts.

Some passages may have been edited for entertainment purposes

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