Bali: Indonesia's Landfill

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See "Christmas with Orangutans" for the prequel to this trip.

Oh Bali. The party island of southeast Asia. Known for beautiful beaches and legendary nightlife, Bali seemed like the ideal place to go after a stint in the Malaysian jungle. Our flight lands an hour and a half late (due to the weather in Kota Kinabalu) and we reach Bali-Denpasar airport just before 10:00 on Thursday night, the day after Christmas. I've landed in Asia, but when I step into the airport I might as well be in Australia. I have been warned that Bali is constantly full of Australians looking to party for less than $12 a beer. And "full of Australians" might be an understatement.

The line for immigration is endless. After being surprised with a $25 USD fee for "Visa on Arrival" we get into the line and wait. Australian bros are everywhere. Nimarta comments about how they are all jacked. It's true. Everyone in Australia goes to the gym. And apparently takes lots of steroids (according to some sources). My testosterone level rises just being in the same room as all these guys. 45 minutes later we are finally through immigration. I'll point out here that the line for Indonesian citizens is nonexistent. It's all tourists.

We pick up our bags and then get in the customs line. Luckily this one isn't as long and by 11:15 we're finally leaving the airport. But first we need some cash. We find an ATM and I proceed to take out 100,000 Rupiah. Once I complete the transaction I realize that 100,000 rupiah is like $9. Crap. I meant to take out 1,000,000. The international transcation fee is probably $9 alone. I take out 1,000,000 so now I have 1,100,000 Rupiah. This should last me a while. Nimarta and Bryce grab some cash too and we are off. As we exit the airport we are greeted by a sea of locals with signs, no fewer than 200 names on signs. This is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack. Amazingly enough, though, Nimarta right away spots "Mr. Chris" and the name of the hotel is the one we are staying out. Success! We hop in the van with 2 guys from our hotel and we are off.

On the map it didn't look like the hotel was too far from the airport. Wherever it is, it takes about 30 minutes of driving on Bali's sketchy roads to reach it. By the time we check into the room it's almost midnight. We haven't eaten anything in hours so we're desperate to find some food. Malaysian restaurants were open all night but this is Indonesia so we don't know what to expect here. We wander around for a while on the main drag but can't seem to find anything. There is a German place that is still open that we pass but nothing much else. I'm starving by now so I just want to eat anything, local or not. Bryce is on a bit more of a budget though. He wants to find some cheap local food. I'd love that too but I just don't have the patience right now. We agree that Nimarta and I will go to the German place and we'll wait for Bryce there.

The German place actually has a good selection of Indonesian dishes. I try a typical Indonesian dinner of fried rice with a fried egg and chicken skewers. It's not bad. Nimarta's soup is not as good. It's almost 1 AM though, so we're not expecting the best. I get a big beer and try to relax. Bryce shows up a bit later having found a local meal for about a dollar. My meal isn't much more expensive at about $3. Indonesia sure is cheap.

We leave the German place and walk down the main street trying to find some bars we passed on the way in the van. But our efforts are futile. Either we were dreaming when we saw those bars or we have gone totally in the wrong direction. At this point it doesn't really matter though. We are exhausted and it's getting near 2 AM. We head back the hotel for some sleep. We will party tomorrow.

Our plan for Friday is to sit on the beach, relax, and drink Bintang, the beer of Bali. We awake in time to catch the end of breakfast, which is included in our room cost. It's not bad, but nothing special. After breakfast we sunscreen up and walk down to the beach. We are in the Legian Beach area and we've read that this particular beach has a long line of bars and locals selling beer on the beach. Sounds like a good place to start. We figure we'll walk up to Seminyak beach from there, which Lonely Planet claims is classier. You know me... classy.

It's not a long walk to the beach and within a few minutes we are on a beautiful white sand beach in Bali, Indonesia! Wait a minute. Did I say beautiful white-sand beach? Excuse me - I meant to say garbage infested brown sand beach. At first I think maybe I'm in the wrong place. Did we reach the city landfill instead of the beach? I look left, then right. No, this is definitely the beach. I see the bars the guide book was talking about. There are umbrellas laid out all over the place, even some cozy chairs to sit in. It's just... dirty. It's so dirty. I've never seen anything like this before. Garbage is everywhere. It can't be avoided. What the hell is going on here!?

As we step into the sand I take my flip flops off. On one hand it seems like a good idea because these are nice flip flops and I don't want them getting dirty, plus walking in flip flops on the sand is annoying. But on the other hand the thickness of the souls of the flip flops would protect me from stepping on unexpected trash, like needles and whatnot. I decide to be brave and continue on without my flip flops on my feet. I have to pay attention with every step in order to not step on a piece of garbage. We decide to walk north on the beach to get away from this dirty area. It must be nicer up towards Seminyak.

As we walk, carefully avoiding the garbage, locals offer us their chairs to sit in for a small price. We decline every one and continue walking. Bryce and I buy a beer from a guy selling Bintang from a cooler. It may be 10:30 AM but this beach calls for a beer, and maybe several beers to make me forget about how gross it is. As we walk we realize that the trash isn't clearing anywhere. There are a couple of locations where the trash has been swept up into piles, like raking leaves, but it hardly eases my mind. There is still a giant pile of garbage on the beach.

I pick up my feet to examine my soles. Black as night. Even without the trash the beach would be far from beautiful, thanks to the black and grey streaks running through the sand. And this isn't supposed to be a black sand beach, like you'd find on a volcanic island. It's just not very nice sand. Black feet and all we keep moving down the beach. We've been walking for about a mile when we get to an area with some beach bars/restaurants that are more than just a guy selling beer out of a cooler. These places have bean bags on the beach you can sit on and servers for the tables. We have made it to Seminyak Beach. It does feel a bit classier, but the story in the sand is the same. Garbage!

We pick one of the bars and sit down on the bean bags, defeated. We had no idea this was coming. They don't tell you the beach is covered in garbage in the guide books (why would they?). The amazing thing is there are still people out here lying on the beach. And little kids running around playing in the sand! No chance I would ever let my kids run around this beach. Who knows what they'll find in those trash piles!? We order more Bintangs and try to relax. The bar has wifi, like everywhere in Bali, so we start Googleing. Why is Bali covered in trash? Are there any clean beaches in Bali? These are the answers we are looking for. Unfortunately all we find out is that apparently this time of year garbage washes up on the shores of the beaches in Bali. Where does it come from? We can't be for sure, but locals seem to blame it on Java, the most populated island, home to Jakarta. There are apparently some nicer beaches on the other side of the island, but it's a bit far and we'd have to take an hour long taxi there.

After about a half hour at the bar we decide to head back to the street and look for some lunch and talk about what we're going to do in the afternoon. Bryce heads off to find some dirt cheap local food but I'm so annoyed at this point I just want to sit down at the closest restaurant and eat and drink my face off. Nimarta and I end up at a nice looking Mexican place on the main road overlooking the landfill. Did I say landfill? I meant beach. Overlooking the beach. I order fajitas and a big bottle of Bintang. The server brings out a mug with my beer and I pour the cold Balinese beer into the mug. Nimarta and I are discussing what to do the rest of the afternoon when I go to take a sip of my beer. The pain is sharp and sudden. "Fuck!" I scream. A lone bee flies off. Just what I needed. This day is not going well already and now I've been stung on the tip of the tongue by a bee. It was hiding in my beer and was clearly agitated when I went to take a sip. Now my tongue is all swollen. My food comes out. It looks good but it is painful to eat. I manage to stuff it down while intermittently dipping my tongue in a glass of cold water. What's next for today? Hit by a motorbike?

The roads of Bali are jam packed with taxis and motorbikes. Not real motorcycles like we have in the States, but like a motorcycle-moped hybrid. Not quite motorcycle, not quite moped. Either way they are loud. And they are everywhere. And they drive around asking you if you need a ride. Three of us are walking down the street and one guy will ask us if we need "transport." "There's 3 of us!" Bryce will say. "How can you take all 3 of us?" Clearly they haven't thought that far ahead. It's like a reflex for them. See white person = ask if they need transport. It does get annoying to have to say no or shake your head constantly. Every taxi driver honks at you too. I just want to walk dammit!

We meet back up with Bryce and decide to see if we can catch a taxi to Nusa Dua. It's on the eastern side of the island, so hopefully not covered in trash. The problem is it's far, like a 45 minute drive with no traffic. And no traffic does not exist on Bali. It's still early in the day though, so we have time. Our guide book says a taxi from Kuta to Nusa Dua runs about 70,000 Rupiah. About $6. Not bad. But when we start inquiring with taxi drivers, none of them will take us over there for under 150,000. Still cheap, but Bryce can't afford to be paying that much on transportation on his year off. He tries haggling with some drivers but nothing comes about. Looks like we won't make it to Nusa Dua.

At this point I'm ready to just sit on the trash beach and drink heavily. We head back out to the beach and walk back towards Legian, where guys sell beer from coolers. We pay a dollar to sit on some big bean bags and order Bintangs. They are 20,000 here. Sounds good to me. Keep them coming. Nimarta decides to get a massage on the beach. One hour for 40,000 Rupiah. Unbelievable. An hour long massage at a spa in the US is like $150. Here on the beach in Bali, less than $4. I'm waiting for an actual massage parlor though to get mine. Not really feeling it on the beach.

After a few beers Bryce decides to check out the water. I sip beer and surf the internet (yes, even the beach has wifi) while I'm alone at the bean bags. Bryce comes back a few minutes later. "How was it?" I ask. He says it's pretty dirty in there. I decide it can't be as dirty as the sand and I have to urinate so I decide to go check out the water myself. I know what you're thinking. Bryce said the water was dirty so why are you gonna go in there if you're just gonna complain about it? Well, I have a need to experience things for myself, as you should know by now. I need to know just how dirty this water is.

I stand and make my stroll to the water. Trash washes up on the sand as I take my first step into the Balinese ocean. As my legs sink further and further underwater pieces of garbage start hitting them. A plastic Ziploc bag here. A Doritos wrapper there. A plastic water ball sails through my legs. Is the whole ocean like this? Can't be. I go further. Eventually I'm at a safe enough level to pee. Trash hits me from every direction as I unleash. I feel like I'm actually making the water cleaner by urinating in it. Maybe it will sterilize something, I don't know. As soon as I'm done I sprint back ashore before catching AIDS, or whatever is floating around in that water. "Dirty is an understatement" I say to Bryce. I would describe it more like absolutely disgusting.

I can't believe that people surf and swim in this water. The little kids aren't just on the beach, they're in the water too! And some people come specifically to Bali to surf. There aren't even waves! I want to wipe the polluted water off of me as soon as I can but I don't want to destroy my new beach tower forever. I settle for just air drying on the bean bag. I certainly don't plan on going back in that water. I'll find a bush next time.

By the time Nimarta's massage is over I've downed a few Bintangs. I tell her about the water and she decides not to experience it herself, a wise decision. We chill on the bean bags for a while longer then head back to the hotel around 5. Bryce and I pick up big Bintangs on the way back. Circle K convenience stores are everywhere in Bali. Like every 100 meters. I've never seen them outside of the western United States. But there must be more on Bali than the rest of the world combined. They sell big Bintangs for 27,000 though, so we're regular customers. Back at the hotel, Nimarta jumps in the shower and I decide to finish off my beer in the pool. It's not a bad pool and it's refreshing after the experience on the beach (yes, I did at least rinse off in the public shower at the hotel before getting in the pool). When they have both showered I take my turn. Never have I been more thankful to be clean. It feels amazing!

We have already decided that tonight we will check out the Kuta Night Market for an authentic Indonesian dinner. We head off around 7:30, dressed somewhat nicely, since we plan on checking out the Sky Garden Lounge after dinner, which is apparently the place to be in Bali after dark. The walk to the night market is further than it looks on the map. After 30 minutes and a big Bintang from Circle K we arrive to the market. There are a few restaurants to choose from. A cross-eyed body builder looking dude tells us to eat at his place. We look over the menu and tell him we are gonna check out the other menus. He is heart broken. We look over the other menus but body builder's place looks the best so we come back. He is delighted.

The menu is huge and nothing is over 25,000 Rupiah other than the big Bintang. Yes, that's correct. The most expensive dish on the menu is barely $2 USD. This is awesome. We order a feast. Soups, rice, meat, veggies... bring it all! And of course a Bintang. Body builder dude is scary as hell and makes one hell of a dolphin whistle. He may or may not have taken some bath salts before going to work. We can't be sure. We just know we need to stay on his good side, because he is jacked, and could easily break our necks with his hands. The food comes out as its ready and we chow down. We've ordered like 6 main courses. They are not huge, but decent portions. We devour all the food, much to the delight of body builder dude.

The total bill is about $14. Gotta love Indonesia. Satisfied, we head back to the main drag to check out the Sky Garden Lounge (http://www.61legian.com). We have heard that this is the place to be. There are free drinks till 10:00 and we roll in just after 9:30. This place is massive. We go up 4 flights of stairs before we finally find the bar giving away the free drinks. They are crappy tropical mixed drinks, but they are free so we can't really complain. Not that the drinks at the club are expensive. A regular Bintang runs 25,000 Rupiah, still damn cheap for a place like this.

There are numerous dance floors but we hang out on the roof, where there is a large deck and numerous bars. The place isn't even full but there must be 1000 people here. And by 1000 people I mean Australians. They are everywhere. The clientele is at least 80% Australians, and mostly men. The male to female ratio is about 3:1. Not good if you're a straight guy looking for love in Bali. But great if you're a girl. You have your pick of Aussie bros! This club is the first time I notice just how many Australian guys wear tank tops. I look around. To my left, to my right. Everywhere there are guys in tank tops (Aussies call them "singlets"). Guys with big arms, guys with small arms. Skinny guys, fat guys. They are all wearing tank tops. This must be the new thing in Australia. The US went through the phase in the late 80s, early 90s. Looks like the blokes are about 20 years late on this fad!

We last at the club till about midnight. After midnight the drink prices all go up anyways, and it's been a long day of drinking, so it's time to get back and get some sleep. The club stays open all night so the 18 year olds can party till sunrise. Not quite our thing these days. We've booked a 9 AM shuttle to Ubud in central Bali, so we need some rest. It's been an interesting day. Tomorrow we'll see what the non-party scene in Bali is like!

The shuttle is about 45 minutes late, as they have warned us. We are the last to be picked up and we get the back seat of a cramped white van. And thus begins the worst drive ever. Usually not having AC in a car isn't so bad. You can just open the windows and let the wind blow back your hair. Except you can't do that when you're moving zero miles per hour. Our destination in Ubud is about 24 miles from our hotel in Kuta. The drive takes 2.5 hours. You do the math. A marathon runner would have got there sooner. Apparently there is no such thing as rush hour in Bali. It's just always jam packed with traffic. The main problem is that going from Kuta to Ubud you have to go through or around Denpasar, the largest city on Bali. We take the highway around the city but we move forward at a crawl.

Meanwhile, I'm sweating profusely. I don't do well with humidity but I can manage most of the time. I am having trouble in the back seat of this fan as the air is stagnant. The windows barely open and it's probably about 90 degrees and muggy in the van. I run through my water supply and try my best to keep cool. When we finally get out of Denpasar the pace of the road picks up. We actually hit 50 kmh and stay there for a while on our way into Ubud. The small amount of air from coming through the windows is refreshing, but I can't wait to get out of this van.

We roll into Ubud just after noon and we are pleasantly surprised by the relaxing atmosphere of the town. It is tiny compared to the Kuta area. There are motorbikes on the streets, but much less. Less taxis too. All in all, a more attractive place. We have come to Ubud to experience Balinese culture. Bali is the island of temples. There are over 10,000 temples and shrines on Bali, mostly Hindu. Ubud has a fair share of these temples, as well as the Sacred Monkey Forest Sanctuary (http://www.monkeyforestubud.com/), a forest full of macaque monkeys right in town. Ubud is also a popular yoga retreat. People come from all over the world to do yoga for a week here. Crazy.

We get dropped off right by a big grocery store and now we have to find our hotel. I've got it on my GPS on my phone so we start walking north to the Jati Homestay. After 10 minutes of walking on the Ubud sidewalks we find the place. Here we meet Dewa, the owner. I have booked a room for two nights with him on airbnb.com. He welcomes us but tells us there is a problem. He accidentally double booked our room for tonight. There is someone in there now not leaving till tomorrow. Not to worry, he says, though. He booked us a better room down the road with his friends. It's an upgrade. Bigger than his place and even has air conditioning. I am immediately on board with the switch. I didn't know his place didn't have AC. Like I said, humidity and I don't get along so trying to sleep in here without AC would be a challenge. White people problems.

Dewa says his driver will take us over to the other homestay. He drives a motorbike though, so it's one at a time. I'm first and I hop on the motorbike. I've never been on one of things before so I'm a bit worried at the start, but it's a smooth ride. We end up right where the bus dropped us off at the Yarama Homestay. I'm shown to our room and the driver goes back for Nimarta and Bryce. The site of the AC unit in the room makes me feel good. I turn it on and let the cold air blow in my face. The others arrive soon after. Last is my suitcase. We thank the driver and settle into our new room. A slight inconvenience, but it was worth it for AC!

After a quick lunch we hit up the Monkey Forest. This is one of the highlights of Bali. It costs about $1 to go in and we buy some mini bananas to feed the monkeys. I figure these must be the fattest monkeys ever since people feed them all day. I put the bananas in my backpack to hide them from the monkeys and we head inside. The forest is beautiful, with tall trees and old stone carvings. A few moments later we see our first monkey. He is just walking down the path. No big deal. I resist the urge to feed the first one I see and we press on. All of a sudden the monkeys are everywhere. In the trees, on the grass, sitting on the edge of the path. Holy crap that's a lot of monkeys!

I pull out a banana and give it to one of the guys sitting on the rocks. He snatches it from my hand like he's never had a banana before. He opens it quickly and examines it. Then he just throws it on the ground. What a picky little bastard! I guess my bananas aren't good enough for him. I find another monkey and present a new banana to him. He takes it and happily eats it. Screw that other dude. I spot a baby monkey and decide he is way cuter than the other monkeys and deserves a banana. But he doesn't want to take it. He turns around. I try to coerce him to come back then reach out my hand to try to get him back. Big mistake. Mother monkey jumps in front of the baby and shows me her fierce looking teeth. Warning #1. Understood. Don't touch the monkey unless they touch you first.

We wander among the monkeys and watch their antics. One of them has stolen a plastic water bottle out of someone's pocket. It then opens the bottle and drinks the rest. Smart guys. Scattered around the sanctuary are numerous ancient statues and shrines, as well as a large temple. Outside of one of the shrines there is a statue that depicts a large monkey holding a headless human woman. It is implied that the monkey ripped the head off. Well this is creepy, I think. Luckily none of these monkeys look big enough to rip my head off. Good thing it's not a chimpanzee sanctuary.

This particular species of monkey, the macaque, loves to clean each other. They must spend half of their day just picking dirt and grime out of other monkey's fur. It's interesting to watch for a while, but then it gets boring. Do something else, monkeys. Luckily there is more than enough entertainment from these little guys. There are numerous babies crawling around. One of them looks like the little demon thing from Lord of the Rings. Nightmares will be had. It is crawling all over an iron gate. I can't figure out if it's trying to climb the gate of just playing with it. He's probably trying to climb it to get to his "precious."

After taking in an impressive komodo dragon statue we meet the friendliest monkey in the park. He jumps on Bryce and starts rubbing his head. Bryce doesn't even have any food to give him - he was just standing there when this little dude jumped on him. He doesn't stay on Bryce's head long though, as he spots some food nearby. Someone offers up a pistachio nut and the monkey jumps on them. Not to be outdone Nimarta wants to feed the monkey too. She holds out a banana and the monkey jumps on her. Freak out time! My dear Nimarta does not keep her compose and squirms like a frightened child. The monkey jumps off and leaves her alone. She wants to try again though. This time she says she's gonna stay cool. No squirming. She takes another banana and waits for the monkey to jump on her. It's a bit better this time but squirming still takes place. Not everyone was made to feed little monkeys (sorry babe!). I grab a banana to show her how it's done and hold it in my outstretched hand. The little guy jumps on me and crawls to my hand. He opens the banana and eats it while still sitting on my arm, which is serving as a human tree branch. After about 10 seconds on my arm he gets bored and jumps off. Now that's how you feed a monkey!

After we're done playing with the friendly monkey we get to witness the beautiful natural act of monkeys procreating. Yes, we get about 8 seconds of quality close up monkey sex, literally right in front of us on the path. The little male pumps hard and just like that it's over. The female suddenly turns and growls at him before jumping off. She takes a seat on a wall not far from the male, who is now sitting on the pavement with his little genitalia in view for everyone. Clearly monkeys don't lay and cuddle after sex. Nearby a woman says to her husband "he lasts longer than you." Good one.

We spend the next 2 hours or so exploring the monkey forest. There is a small temple in the sanctuary that we check out, the first of many temples we will see in Bali. A monkey pees right on the steps of the temple before sneaking through the gate. All in all, there must be over 1000 monkeys in the sanctuary. It's incredible. They are everywhere. But why wouldn't they be? They get constant food! As we are getting ready to leave I go to ascend a concrete staircase. But there is a monkey on the staircase and he growls at me, showing his sharp teeth, basically telling me to get the hell off his staircase. Whoa dude, didn't know it was your territory. I give it a few moments and decide to try the staircase again. He growls again. Looks like I'm going to have to find another way up. Master of the staircase is one mean dude. I manage to find another way up and we exit the monkey forest safely, depleted of our banana stash.

From the monkey forest we decide to walk north on the main road to central Ubud. The sides of the road are full of shops, restaurants, and massage parlors. One thing that strikes me as unique, though, is that all the restaurants are outdoors. They have roofs, but they are all open air. If it's too hot, fans are all that can cool you down. It's gives the street a certain charm. The places look similar, but I could definitely sit at any of the restaurants and have a Bintang and relax. After walking for a while Nimarta and I decide that we need a quick bite to eat and a chance to hydrate so we stop at one of the restaurants to sit. Bryce continues on, we'll meet him later. We end up at the back of a small place looking out to a big rice field where the workers are still going at it. Definitely not a view I've ever had from a restaurant before!

Before meeting Bryce at Ubud Palace we stop by the market to see if we can get some cheap souvenirs. We wander through the booths of the market looking at the local crafts and clothing. I end up haggling with a woman over a wooden monkey and get the price down to 70,000 Rupiah. This will look good on my desk at work. Sold. Nimarta looks at some dresses but decides against any purchases. Just after 5:30 we meet Bryce at the Ubud Palace.

The temples of Bali are simply amazing. Some of them are as old as 2000 years. The architecture is unbelievable, as is a lot of ancient architecture (Ancient Aliens anybody?). The time they must have put into carving all this stone... it's mind-blowing. The Ubud Palace is beautiful, but nothing substantial in terms of Bali temples. Next door is the Lotus Temple and we head over there. We almost have the place to ourselves and we decide to enjoy the peacefulness of the place and lay down on the grass. We watch the sun set for about 30 minutes before heading out. It's a relaxing experience but it's time to move on. We have to start heading back to the homestay so we can freshen up before dinner.

We start our walk back to the homestay and we notice that in front of us appears to be a crowd of people not moving. What's going on here? Traffic jam? As we approach the crowd we notice that there is some sort of parade going on. People are walking in groups down the street holding small floats. Each float is a model of a person, most likely a god. They chant and dance and run with the float. We ask someone what's going on. Some sort of religious festival that only happens every 200 years or so. Crazy! More floats appear as the parade continues. We find out that they are headed to a church up north. Eventually the parade ends and the crowd starts heading towards the church. We decide to follow but don't make it all the way to the church. It's starting to get late and I desperately need a shower and air conditioning. The walk back to the homestay takes about 40 minutes. Apparently we were far! The AC in the room feels amazing. As I've said, humidity and me do not get along. I've probably sweat a gallon of water today. I can't wait for a shower.

For dinner, once again, Bryce heads off to find some cheap local food and Nimarta and I go back to the main street with all the restaurants. It's pretty late, but we find some places that are still open and settle on a nice place to have a "fancy" dinner. I get the succulent pig, a traditional Balinese meal, sort of like pulled pork. We order appetizers, drinks, and desert and the bill still comes in at under $35. And this is one of the pricier places! I could get used to this....

Sunday is my last full day in Asia before heading back to Australia for New Years Eve. We have rented a car for the entire day to explore more of the island. But by renting a car, I mean that we have rented a car and a driver from a local rental agency. There is no chance in hell I am driving on this island. If you don't know how to drive without road rules, you will get in an accident, and you will be blamed for it. Bali roads are a free-for-all. And if you follow basic rules of the road you will get hit, simple as that. Better leave the driving to the locals. Luckily, we can rent a car and a driver for $55 USD for the day. At $20 each, it seems like a good deal. And we will be a whole lot safer with a local driving on these chaotic roads.

Our driver picks us up just after 9 AM. We will be riding around today in a sweet van. Gas is included in the price so we don't have to worry about that. We can go wherever we want, just have to be back to Ubud around 7:00. We start by telling the driver we want to go to the east side of the island near Karangasem to see a big palace and check out some rice terraces near the coast. As soon as we get out of Ubud the traffic lightens, but the development never stops. As we drive east we notice that there are no stretches of the road that are just open, free of houses and buildings. Bali is incredibly built up. Over 4 million people live on this island and the population seems to be spread out. There are residences everywhere. There is no break.

Our first stop is the bat cave temple, recommended by our driver. It's an impressive temple built right up against a cave where hundreds of bats congregate. We pay the small entrance fee and enter the temple. There are prayers going on and we are quite so as to not disturb the worshipers. We get right up against the cave and see the bats up close. I've never been this close to bats before. Ugly little bastards they are. Inside the cave there are a few shrines, right underneath the bats. We are not allowed to go in the cave but clearly somebody does. Maybe they worship the bats? Who knows.

To enter the Hindu temples you have to be wearing a sarong. It's basically just a piece of cloth you wrap around your waist that covers your legs. It's a sign of respect for the locals and their customs. Most temples will let you rent one for about a dollar, but we figure since we are probably going to more maybe it's a good idea to buy one. Bryce haggles with a lady and gets a sarong for 25,000 Rupiah, not a bad price. Nimarta and I decide to wait to the next place.

Back on the road, the AC in the van feels amazing. My Bali map has a picture of a beautiful rice terrace that is apparently right up the road. But we are having trouble finding it. The driver tells us we have reached it and we get out of the car. But we can't see terraces, just normal rice fields. We walk around for a bit but there are no terraces. Oh well. Our next stop is the palace. I thought it was going to be a building, but like the temples it is just outdoor open structures. Some of the structures have old furniture in them, European looking. We have the palace to ourselves and it's very peaceful. The architecture is a bit different than the other temples we've seen - more red brick - but beautiful in its own way. After the palace we stop by a local market for some lunch. We spend about $2 on food and drinks and get back on our way. Next up is the Besakih Temple (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother_Temple_of_Besakih), one of the most spectacular temples in the entire world.

Travel guide books can be very helpful sometimes. And this is one of those times. We have read the warnings from Lonely Planet about this place. The locals try to scam you out of money by telling you that you need a tour guide to enter the temple. They pitch their services to you and charge high rates for terrible tours. Luckily for us, we've read the book and know for a fact that you do not need a tour guide to enter and explore the temple. All you need a sarong and your admission ticket, that costs about $1.50. If you go on tripadviser and read the reviews of Besakih you will see a lot of one star reviews from people who got scammed and were not able to truly experience the temple. Don't listen to these people. They made mistakes and are just angry about it. Read my review. It's accurate. This place is amazing.

Out of the van, Nimarta and I purchase sarongs for 30,000 each. We then proceed to hike about a half mile uphill to the entrance of the temple. We are over 1000 meters above sea level on the slopes of Gunang Agung mountain. As expected, locals come up to us telling us we can't go in without them. We tell them they are lying and press on. From the entrance we get an idea of just how big this place is. I can see structures up the mountain, must be a mile away. This place is enormous! We learn that it is actually a complex of 23 separate temples that make up the so called "Mother Temple of Besahik." And this place is crowded too. Not with tourists, but with worshipers. There is some sort of event going on because someone is holding a microphone doing prayers in front of hundreds of kneeling patrons. We try to stay as quiet as possible so as to not disturb them.

Up we go. There are stairs and ramps everywhere. It would be so easy to get lost in this place. Next thing we know we are standing in front of the stairway to heaven. Well, maybe not, but it goes up a ways and reminds me of a Mayan pyramid or something like that. Up at the top is a special temple that non-worshipers are no allowed to enter. We take some stairs to the side and wander in and out of temples and shrines for over an hour. I've seen some pretty impressive ancient structures before - Machu Picchu, the Acropolis - and this ranks right up there with them. I can't imagine how they built this 2000 years ago. Seriously, do you watch Ancient Aliens?

We leave Besakih incredibly glad we made the stop and were not deterred by the scammers. For anyone going to Bali this is a must see. We meet back up with our driver and head back towards Ubud. It's getting late and we have to be back by 7. But first we make a stop where we get a great view of Danau Batur lake and the volcano behind it. If we had more time on the island I would consider climbing the volcano, but I'm just not going to get a chance. Just before sunset we stop by a coffee plantation to try some of their products. Now I don't like coffee but they make a mean hot chocolate. We also learn that the most expensive coffee is a kind that is made from animal poop. They feed special beans to some sort of rodent and then it poops them out. Apparently this gives it added flavor. Sorry, poop products are just not for me.

On our way back to Ubud we catch the sunset over a rice patty. It's a purple sunset and it looks amazing with the green rice fields in the foreground. The sun has set on my last day in Bali, and while it started out as a nightmare in Kuta, it ended on a good note in Ubud. We have the driver drop us off downtown and head off to get a massage before dinner, something I've been waiting to do this whole trip. $5 hour-long massages. You can't beat that! Nimarta and I go in for a couple's massage and are put in the same room. She opts for a foot and leg massage and I go for the full body. We strip down and lay out to relax. One hour later my muscles are relaxed and I'm ready for bed. Best $5 ever.

Before heading back to the homestay, though, we stop for dinner at a little rooftop place that advertises very low prices. Things in Indonesia are cheap but this place is amazing. We end up getting 2 glasses of wine, a smoothie, soups, salads, 4 main courses, rice, and 2 deserts for just about $15 USD. It is going to be tough to go back to New Zealand after this, where $15 gets you a half of a sandwich. At least it's not so damn humid, though. I am delighted to be back in the air conditioned room for bed. I have a long day tomorrow, flying back to Australia on an evening flight to Brisbane. Better get some rest.

On Monday morning we bid farewell to Bryce. He has another 4 weeks almost in Indonesia before heading on to other parts of Asia for his travels. He heads off and Nimarta and I are left waiting for her shuttle. She is heading over to Lombok today, the island east of Bali. She has about 10 more days in Indonesia before heading home. My shuttle comes a bit later to take me to the airport. We say our goodbyes and she is off. I'll see her back in New Zealand. Now I'm on my own until I get back to Australia to meet up with my buddy Steve again.

The shuttle shows up an hour late, of course, and I hop on. This time I have shotgun. I assume this shuttle will be less hot but I am reminded again that there is no breeze to cool you off when you're moving zero miles per hour. The ride takes a solid 2 hours again and by the time I exit the entire back side of my clothing is drenched in sweat. It looks like I sat down in a puddle. I thank the driver and enter the airport. This is where the fun begins.

When you enter Bali-Denpasar airport you have to go through a security screening. I find this a bit odd, since I'm not even to the check-in counters yet, but take the metal out of my pocket and proceed through the metal detector. One security check point down. I'm flying Virgin Australia to Brisbane. I get in line to check my bag and I'm only like the 10th person in the line. Unfortunately this does not mean a short wait in line, though, as some people proceed to take 10 minutes at the counter doing god knows what. Finally I get up to the counter and check in, taking a whopping one minute. I'll never understand why it takes some people so long....

Onto security now. Or so I think. As I'm about to enter the security line there is a big booth announcing some "airport departure tax" that you have to pay before you can go through security. WTF? What the hell is an airport departure tax? And it's not cheap like everything else in Indonesia. It's 150,000 Rupiah, almost $14. So let me see, on top of my $400 flight I not have to give this awful airport $14 just to be able to leave? What a joke. I'm super pissed off now because I don't have 150,000 Rupiah. I have about 100,000 left, that I was planning on spending on food at the airport. Not once did anyone or anything warn me that you have to pay 150,000 just to get on your flight. This is a secret they like to surprise people with at the airport I guess.

I look around for an ATM. None. I get in the line and ask the clerk if I can pay using credit card. No credit, she says, cash only. Great. Can I pay in New Zealand dollars? "$25 New Zealand dollars," she says. But 150,000 Rupiah is exactly $15 NZD. I tell her this, and she says no that is not right. I tell her she's wrong. I have some Australian money in my wallet too. "$20 AUD" she says. You're just making this up! It's like $13 AUD. If you're going to make people pay cash why are there no ATMs around? "Outside, on lower level" she says. Awesome. So if you don't have the cash to pay the surprise fee you have to totally leave the airport to get it. What genius thought that was a good idea? Finally, I tell her that I can give her 100,000 Rupiah and $5 US dollars, which equals a total of about 160,000 Rupiah, 10,000 more than the fee. "No," she says. "$5 is only 40,000 Rupiah, you need more." At this point I blatantly call her a liar and tell her that she's trying to screw me over. $5 USD is exactly 60,000 Rupiah, I tell her. Not 40,000. But she sticks to her story. Well fuck me. Now I have no choice but to go to the ATM outside. Either that or create a scene and get arrested. I give the girl the death stare and leave to head outside.

It takes me forever to figure out how to get downstairs, since there are, of course, no signs. I end up in the elevator and exit to a huge crowd of locals with names on signs. This is where I was when we arrived. I got cash from these ATMS just 4 days ago. I battle my way through the locals to the ATMs, but then I see a foreign currency exchange booth. This might be a better option since I won't have to pay the ATM fee. I won't get a great exchange rate, but it should work. I give my $5 US and get 59,000 Rupiah in return. More than enough. Annoyed that I had to even come down here, I power through the locals yelling at me to get in their taxis and find my way back upstairs. I pass through the first security checkpoint (again) and march back to the bullshit tax booth. I throw 150,000 Rupiah on the table. "Just exchanged that $5 for 59,000 Rupiah," I tell the girl. She won't even look at me. She stares down at the counter and takes my money. "Thank you," she says and gives me my receipt. At least this ordeal is over. Or so I think.

I manage to pass through the main security checkpoint without a hitch. I've now gone through three security checkpoints. Now to find my gate and get some food. But as expected, none of the food places take credit cards. Cash only. Of course. This is why I saved 100,000 Rupiah for the airport. Now because of that fee I am cashless. At least the duty free shop takes credit. I buy some chocolate bar and a soda, that will be my dinner tonight. I find Gate 10. It's downstairs. Weird, it's the only gate downstairs. I head down the stairs and find a floor with some people sitting on it. No chairs at Gate 10 (why would there be...?) Defeated, I sit on the floor and lean up against a column while I eat my candy bar. At least I can relax now. Ha! I should have known there is no such thing as relaxing at this airport.

The Indonesian equivalent of TSA tells everyone at Gate 10 that we have to go back upstairs and have our bags checked before we can come down here. Everyone must leave. Seriously? I've gone through security three times already and now I have to be subjected to a bag check by hand? I take my time eating and finally head upstairs where there is a line forming for the gate. There are a few chairs upstairs, but they are all taken. I sit down in the hallway on the floor and wait. 30 minutes later the line finally starts moving. They are opening everyone's carry-ons and searching them. Why? Who knows. Maybe Bali to Brisbane is a prime terrorist path. My bag is searched and I proceed to the gate. Two terrible hours after entering the Bali-Denpasar airport I finally board the plane to get the hell out of this place. It's a small Virgin plane. No TVs or entertainment or anything. It's only a 6 hour flight but you'd think going international they'd at least give you something. No food either. Screw it, I'll be in the Gold Coast soon. I find my seat and pass out immediately. When I wake up, I'm 30 minutes from the Brisbane airport, long gone from Indonesia.

Now you might think after reading this story that I absolutely hated Bali. That's not entirely true. The temples were amazing. Ubud was great, and the landscapes were beautiful. Unfortunately, in my opinion, that doesn't make up for the disgusting beaches, pestering locals, and horrible airport. I'm glad I got to experience Bali but I would probably not go back. There are nicer parts of Indonesia. Go to Komodo island. I would not recommend gong to Kuta at all if you do go to Bali, unless you're just looking to get wasted for less than $20. Definitely head right to Ubud if you're in Bali. And do check out the Besahik Temple. Aside from the annoying locals, it's amazing. I hope this story gave you an idea of what Bali is like. If you do decide to go, try some of that animal poo coffee for me and let me know how it is. Safe travels!

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Photos

The Island of Bali
Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

What we were Expecting to See
Photo courtesy of Javabackpacker.com

What we Actually Saw
Kuta Beach covered in trash, and piles of trash

Garbage Beach
Photo courtesy of The Jakarta Post

More Trash
Photo courtesy of changesinlongitude.com

Actual Black Sand Beach
that is supposed to be black sand