Useful Bengali

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Padraic was in trouble.

He had been in Majnu Ka Tilla - the Tibetan colony of Delhi - for one night. Upon arrival the previous day, Padraic's host had told him, "You can stay here, but don't tell anyone." In the evening he was told, "If you want to leave, you can." There was a community-wide strike against the Beijing Olympics - no foreigners allowed.

Padraic knew South Asia, not East Asia. In East Asia, “If you want to leave, you can” means “get the hell out.”


Padraic slept late, then treated himself to a "special" beedi. He got hungry (a normal reaction to special beedis) and went to the common area of his 'secret' guesthouse.

Padraic had spent two months in Kolkata, so spoke a few phrases of Bengali, was wearing a lungi, and had a very large beard.

Tibetans are mountain men. The four young guys working at the guesthouse were short, strong and friendly. Padraic noticed two more Tibetan men arrive on a motorcycle. They were the skinniest Tibetans he had ever seen. Despite their slim frames, on seeing Padraic the shorter of the two began barking at the (much larger) staff in Tibetan.

"Wang chu la deng American zao rang feng ta Mr. Sudder."

To which the hotel staff responded, "Sher jing ba zer na Indian pre-paid."

The Talker switched to Hindi. His ugly, mean face turned beet-red. "Chot rum beeli bak lam shad chod?" From the context Padraic believed this to mean, "If this guy is Indian why is his skin so white? And why doesn't he understand Hindi?"

Unsure and scared, the guesthouse staff stammered, "Nae nae nae..."

Padraic felt the presence of God and not in a good way. A serene yet playful image of the Dalai Lama gazed upon him. The TV showed burning dinosaur bones and motorcycles. He felt close to something, something he was not ready for. The sensation was akin a bad psychedelic experience. The Non-Talker had a gun.

Padraic had to do something. Fight or flight? Neither would suffice. A third option unfolded in his mind. He turned to the Talker and said in his friendliest, informal Bengali, "Kaamon accho?" The Talker looked very confused. Padraic said "Janno Bangla?"

The guesthouse staff instantly picked up on the scheme. One of the young men said “Hai hai, Bangladesh, ha?”

“Bangaldesh nae. West Bengal, Kolkata.”

The Men from the Bikes took a look at Padraic, with his light skin, big Muslimish beard and Chennai lungi. They then went to the front desk, received 500 rupees, and took off with a grim roar into the hot dusty Delhi afternoon.

Guesthouse staff: “I think someday you will be a legend.”

“Why?”

“They left.”

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