From one extreme to another

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Greetings from Mumbai!! Here's what's happened since my last update. It's pretty long so perhaps copy and paste it into Word so it looks like you're working, or print it off and read it on the loo.

Wed 15/2 - Very easy day. Read a book called Chasing the Monsoon by Alexander Frater who travels up the west coast of India with the monsoon - funnily enough. Thoroughly recommended. Was thinking of hanging around in India long enough to see it but apparently the humidity is so unbearable it drives even the locals to murder & suicide and I'm struggling enough as it is.

Thurs 16/2 - Up at 9! Earliest yet. Only to get my laundry in though. Then back to bed. Then a little frollick in the surf. Plenty of Israeli's in Goa. I'm sure they're lovely people, but the hard-core techno at 11 am is a bit too much for me. Off to a nearby restaurant for calamari chilli curry. Calamari overcooked and rubbery. Siesta. Tonight is my last night in Goa. Have really enjoyed doing not very much whilst getting used to the heat and Indian way of life, even though all the hard-core travellers (most of whom are virtually brain-dead) insist "this is not India mate". I wonder where they think they are? Anyway I'm looking forward to seeing the "real" India. Mumbai is supposed to be a tad hectic but I think I'm ready for it.

Fri 17/2 - Up early for a last swim. 2 fried eggs for breakfast. Even I am getting slightly bored of curry 3 times a day. Pack my bags and get cab to Margao in south goa. Takes 2 hours and costs 1000 rupees, which by now I think is a bloody fortune, but is actually only about GBP13. Some lunch followed by a couple of mango lassi's and then to the station for my train to Mumbai. An English girl (Chantelle) is on the same train as me. Very handy to meet fellow travellers as you take turns looking after each others stuff while you go for a piss or a fag (can't smoke in the stations). Otherwise you're lugging all your stuff around and soaking wet in no time. Everyone just stops and stares at her, which I find really quite rude, but she has been here a few months and just stares back. Hardly slept on the train. Very humid despite AC and at one point I rolled over and almost snogged a 2 inch cockroach.

Sat 18/2 - A long old day. Got off train at Panvel in NE Mumbai at 6.30 am. Need to get a local train to city centre. I have never seen anything like it in my life. If you think the tube is busy in the morning you really should come and experience this. We get on in relative calm and grab a seat by the window. The place smells to high heaven. Shanty towns for miles and miles. Train stops quite often and about 1000 people get on our carriage at each stop. Where the hell do these people come from? They obviously live in the shanty towns but they look quite smart. Later learn that millions of people in Mumbai hold down very respectable jobs whilst living in the slums. Anyway after about an hour we get to a station we need to change at. We're sat by the window and each have huge rucksacks on the luggage rail above us and 1 million people between us and the door. From previous stops we know we have approx 10 seconds to get out the door. I'm quite sceptical about our chances when Chantelle screams at the top of her voice "MOVE!!" and it's like the parting of the Red Sea. Nice one! We decide to get a taxi instead of repeating the experience at Mumbai Central. Drop her off at her hotel then I'm off to the Colaba area to find a hotel. Manage to find one for 300 rs/night which is damn cheap for Mumbai. Obviously you get what you pay for - so I got a bed, and a fan. No windows. Meet a chap called Lyndsey from Manchester who is here for the cricket also. Seems like a nice guy. Head off to the Cricket Club of India about 9.30. England are playing their 1st practice match. Knackered around tea time so back to the hotel for a kip. Head out later to meet my friend Dave who I rowed with at Uni and happens to be here at same time as me. Great to see him, especially in Mumbai of all places! Lyndsey and a few other hardcore Barmy Army are in the same bar and we just get the jugs of Kingfisher in all night. No United v Liverpool FA Cup match which is a good thing in hindsight. Head to a local restaurant for a bite to eat about 1 am and one of the lads I'm with nearly causes a riot when a pissed-up local thinks he has been taking the mick out of India/ns - which he hasn't. This guy then decides to leave and let us face the music. Find out he's Phil Long, who writes an article on the BBC Sport website. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/cricket/england/4736672.stm
Leave restaurant with a fork in my hand just in case we get jumped! Walk past hundreds of people sleeping on the street on the way home. I guess this is the "real" India then.

Sun 19/2 - Up, shower, cab to ground for 10. Sit with the lads I was with last night and Dave joins us later. Also meet a female member of the Barmy Army whose nickname is Bagpuss. Although this is a fairly good description of her looks it's actually due to the fact she takes a Bagpuss bag to all cricket matches and it often gets shown on the telly. She has also been the subject of an article in the Times of India in which she claims to watch cricket to keep her sanity. Doesn't seem to be working from where I was sat. She just droned on and on about her contacts in the England dressing room all day. Meanwhile we just sat there and drank endless bottles of water and cups of chai (sweet shots of tea mildly spiced) for 5 rs a pop. You attract the chai boy's attention by blowing them kisses, which Dave and I found hilarious at first. We also enjoyed spotting the chaps who walk round hand in hand or arm in arm, which is perfectly acceptable out here, although Dave didn't appreciate it too much when I tried it on him. After the day's play we walked up Chowpatty Beach where there must have been 500,000 people having a whale of a time. A few beers and a bite to eat and then bed.

Mon 20/2 - Meet Dave for brekky then head to a market where we see lots of fruit and veg and rice and flies. And chickens. You may have heard there is a bird flu scare here at the moment, just north of Mumbai. Stay away from them. Won't stop me eating the tandoori chicken though. Cab to ground for last day of the match. Tresco smacks it all over the place and England all out at Tea. Then we skittle the oppo out for 71 or something which was an amazing sight. Was good to see the bowlers at full pace which they hadn't been in 1st innings. Go to a tea house for a nice cuppa and cake. Very civil. Then to Gaylords restaurant for tandoori chicken & beer then bed. The humidity really does take it out of you here. Goa was probably hotter but not as uncomfortable as here. Water all day long and after a few beers at night you sleep like a baby. Enjoying Mumbai very much. Definitely a shock at first but the people are very friendly and after a while you stop being suspicious and realise they just love talking to white people and especially about cricket. Lyndsey, from the Barmy Army, chats to them all day long and it's hilarious to listen to. He's a real bullsh*tter as you will find out if you read on.

Tue 21/2 - Best day so far. Lie in then meet Dave to go to Mani Bhavan, which was Ghandi's house in Mumbai from 1917 to 1934. Am a big fan of the film and found it fascinating and quite emotional. Amazing man. Highlights are his letters to Roosevelt and Hitler prior to outbreak of WW2 (which Dave commented obviously didn't get there) and the models which chart his life story. Then a taxi to the Dhobi Ghats, which is basically a huge area of 5000 people doing all the laundry for all the hotels in Mumbai. Quite a sight. Get cab to posh part of town. There's an M&S! We go for a quick McDs then I buy some binoculars and speakers. Then we get a cab to Tendulkars Bar & Restaurant. If you don't know who Sachin Tendulkar is then it's not worth explaining but basically crickets equivalent to David Beckham but with talent. Great place. Book a table for 4 each night of the Mumbai test match. Should be a laugh! A few beers then off for some street food which was gorgeous. Stepped into, then quickly backed out of, the worst toilet I've ever come across. Street bums laughed at me. At another bar we met a couple of English girls who had been acting in Jaipur for 5 months. Myself and Dave were about to head off to the Taj Palace hotel - best in Mumbai - and they decide to join us. We just about persuade Elvis, the Catholic bar manager, to re-open the bar - it is 1.30 I think - and he says we have 15 minutes. OK, I'll have 2 lagers and a double Bombay Sapphire and tonic please. What do you lot want? Dave asks for 2 double Belvedere vodka's and cranberry. Lager for the girls. Get the bill. Jesus Christ!! Dave's drinks have cost 1400rs! That's GBP10 each. I ask why so expensive and he gives me a double for free. Very nice! Total bill is about 5000rs. By Indian standards that is one hell of a blow out. Free lagers all round then the girls head off and Dave and I decide to see what the toilets are like. Absolute heaven is the answer, especially after my earlier experience. Some great banter with Elvis and his boys then get kicked out about 3.30 and stroll up to the Gateway of India which is completely deserted. Head home about 5. A great day.

Wed 22/2 - Turned out nice again. Meet Dave at 12 at Gateway of India and get on ferry to Elephanta Island. Has load of old caves basically. Dave's a bit peaky. I feel fine for some reason. A monkey stole my corn on the cob, which I was enjoying very much. I sweated about 5 litres off walking up the stairs. Caves are quite interesting but once you've seen one...
Nice veg thali for lunch which I eat entirely with my right hand for the first time. Thank the Lord for wet-wipes. On the ferry on the way back I ask Dave if he fancies a sh*t in the Taj? Great idea. Are you ready? Timed it perfectly mate, as long as they let us in. They did. Once we found the toilets (we'd forgotten from the night before) it was heaven. I was pressing my face and arms against the cold marble as I laid a text book cable. Very reassuring after last nights street food. No tummy problems yet, touch wood. Fancy a cup of tea Dave? That would be lovely. Up we go to the Sea Lounge. Great view. Lots of rich people, and us. Still get treated like kings. After a final farewell to the toilet, we head back in to the real world and the smells and sights that come with it. Quite depressing. I'm heading up to Vadodara so say au revoir to Dave - we'll meet again in Nagpur for the 1st Test. Head to the station and board train. Sat next to a lovely guy called Sundar who gives me lots of tips about Vadodara. Sleep fitfully with thoughts of cockroaches.

Thurs 23/2 - Woken up at 6 by the conducter turning all the lights on and shouting something in Hindi at the top of his voice right next to me. Nearly fell off my bunk. Sundar takes me in a rickshaw to a hotel he recommends and gets me a 15% discount. Top man. Room is a palace compared to Mumbai. AC which is much needed as it's 40 degrees around here at the moment. Head to ground for second practice match. Nice place but damn hot. Not as humid as Mumbai though so in shade it's not too bad. Could list them but will take too long but so many examples this day of how well white people are treated and how poorly the Indians are treated by their own people - in this case the cops. Obviously the caste system plays a big roll but it's bad enough seeing the millions of people on the street and being able to live like a king without seeing them treated like dirt and us being treated like royalty. Lyndsey and I head to the Nimbus hospitality tent to try to get a free lunch. Where are your passes? "Oh, we're Men from Cricket" he says (he says this to everyone and they love it for some reason). You are with England support team? "Yes that's exaclty right mate, we're with the England support team." But we have made lunch to England team specifications in dressing room!! "But they're not our specifications Bondu. We prefer your stuff, it looks much nicer!" Now they can't resist a compliment from an Englishman so in we go and stuff ourselves silly with salad, chicken curry (we really are in Bird Flu country here but decide to risk it) and ice cream. Beautiful. No booze in Gujurat state so a quiet night.

Fri 24/2 - Stay in bed and watch cricket on TV. Head to ground for lunch. Lyndsey and I decide that they'll recognise us and let us in again but the guy he sweet talked yesterday is having none of it. YOU HAVE DINNER TO YOUR EXACT SPECIFICATIONS IN DRESSING ROOM!!!!!!! PLEASE GO AWAY. SIR. "Alright Bondu. Keep your turban on" says Lyndsey. Then he starts trying to blag a Press lunch pack with the old "We are Men from Cricket. We are England Support Staff" but doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. At this point a couple of English lads walk past with gorgeous veg biryani which cost them 20rs. I head off for that when Lyndsey calls out to me and he's holding 4 lunch trays. Unbelievable. Not quite as nice as ysterdays but it'll do. After play we head to Bagpuss' hotel (4 in a rickshaw) which gives out alcohol permits and booze. Lyndsey manages to get a crate of Kingfisher without a permit (the guy couldn't be arsed to do 4), a coolie with loads of ice and a Board Room to drink them in! At one point there were 5 of us drinking and 4 waiters! Finished off the booze and in bed by 9.

Sat 25/2 - Get to ground at 10. Hoggard is Englands top batsman. Says it all. After watching England get thumped stand about 5 feet away from Duncan Fletcher as he announces the Trescothick news. Damn shame. Back to hotel for a few hours then to station for train to Mumbai at 10.45pm.

Sun 26/2 - Arrive Mumbai 5.30 am. Read paper, drink chai then breakfast of eggs, chips and fried tomato. Lovely. Humidity is making me drip at 7 am. Off to internet cafe! Done this update now plan on finding a nice air conditioned bar and drinking lager and watching sport til my train for Nagpur leaves at 7.40 pm. Perhaps Tendulkars! Or maybe another poo in the Taj. I'll find a bar and have a think about it!

Hope you're all well. If anyone knows of anybody who is not receiving these updates but would like to please let me know.

Cheers,
James

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Photos

Street life
On way home at 2 am

Barmy Army
Lyndsey with cap on

Sugar cane
gorgeous freshly pressed infused with ginger and lime. 5rs a glass.

Ghandi's letters
to Roosevelt and Hitler

Where it all started
one of the models charting his life

Dhobi Ghats
Has anyone got any laundry? I'm putting a wash on.

A load of old balls
Signed ones that is. Me and Dave in Tendulkar's

Taj Toilets
My mate Kankoth

Thank you, come again..
A fond farewell from Taranath

Taj Palace & Gateway to India
On the way to Elephanta Island

Cheeky monkey
Oi! I was enjoying that!

Meet the press
Me and the press boys chat to Duncan. Check out fat Derek Pringle in the white sun hat.

Board meeting
Drinking our illegal hoard in the board room. Cockney Trev out of shot, Lyndsey, Dingle, Me (not my hat) & Bagpuss