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Published: January 11th 2007
Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote that 'hell is other people' - an observation which suggests that as well as writing incomprehensible books and smoking too many Gitanes, the French philosopher-king spent at least one of his summer holidays on an organised tour. Having just done the same ourselves, on the several-thousand-mile jaunt from Beijing to Hong Kong, we can only conclude that on this point, 'big J-P' is right on 'l'argent'.
The story goes something like this. Last April, back in the days when we both had incomes, a home and much greater regard for our personal hygiene, we were persuaded by a popular London travel firm to sign up for a three-week tour of China. This, our agent confidently predicted, would help us to get the most out of our short time in a big country, and also avoid the pitfalls of the language barrier, unscrupulous natives and all manner of other local evils.
Being more or less completely green in the ways of travel at this point, we signed up - and then spent six months on the road through South America and Australia wondering if we might have been a little hasty, for two reasons. Firstly, we
Forbidden City
Cold enough to have brass monkeys running for coverdiscovered that one of the things we liked most about travelling was having the freedom to choose our own itinerary and go at our own pace (which generally involves trying to cram a week's worth of sightseeing into about three days, no doubt a legacy of our days working for Haymarket); and second, being on a tour involves the aforementioned Other People, with whom you are contractually obliged to spend the thick end of a month.
So it was with some trepidation that we met up with the rest of our tour group in downtown Beijing in mid-December. We had already been in the Chinese capital for three days, discovering in the process that (a) it was easily the most captivating city we'd visited so far, with apologies to Rio, and (b) getting around it was actually pretty straightforward, despite our incomprehensible decision not to bother bringing so much as a Mandarin phrasebook with us. It was difficult to see what advantage the tour would confer beyond the fact that we had already paid for it, meaning that our increasingly knackered wallets would at least get some much-needed R&R.
But it wasn't all bad news. Our tour was
Forbidden City
Note Rob's 'nasal thermometer' fairly low-key, in that while we travelled (and occasionally ate) as a group, we had plenty of free time to do our own thing. That meant visiting the Forbidden City and the magical but ice-bound Summer Palace in Beijing (both incredible, even if the former was the coldest place I've been in my life); eyeing up the likes of fried caterpillar and dog in the city's night market; and queuing with hundreds of locals for a glimpse of Chairman Mao in his open tomb off Tian'anmen Square. This was most interesting for the hysterics of some of our fellow visitors, even though it was impossible to tell whether this is actually the Great Helmsman's body or a pasty-faced wax knock-off.
We headed out of Beijing to spend an unforgettable day trekking on the Great Wall - for us, the highlight of the whole tour. Not only is the wall simply breathtaking in terms of the sheer audacity of its construction over hundreds of miles of barren terrain, so is the incredible amount of human suffering that must have been expended in its building. The part of the wall we visited, near Simitai, was sufficiently remote that we had the
Great Wall
A well-earned breather disguised as portraiture 10 miles we walked pretty much to ourselves. We were also able to spend a night in a nearby guesthouse and rise at dawn to watch the sun rise over the wall - once again, magical (and bone-chillingly cold).
After that, it was south-west by sleeper train to the former capital of X'ian, a city that once showcased ancient China's incredibly advanced civilisation. Nowhere is this more evident than at the nearby Tomb of the Terracotta Warriors, where an army of thousands of stone soldiers, horses and chariots stands guard over the tomb of Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of China. Like the Great Wall, the scale and ambition of the warriors - built around 250BC - is mind-blowing. Each life-size statue has a subtly different physiogomy and uniform, and they were buried with weapons fashioned using such advanced metallurgy that they were still intact (and sharp) during excavation in the 1970s. Amazing considering some Italian car makers still haven't been able to master the art.
X'ian itself was a cool place to hang out, although I doubt the locals thought the same of us after we attempted to cycle around the city walls on a tandem.
Great Wall
She moaned just having to climb it; can you imagine having to build it??? By this stage, though, the attractions of being on tour were waning somewhat. For one thing, left to our own devices, we would have ventured further east from X'ian, and spent a few days exploring places like Chengdu, the town that's said to be China's most beautiful - but our fixed itinerary meant that this wasn't to be. Worse still, it had become clear that at least one member of our party was, ahem, a complete bell-end, and communal exercises had become a game of musical chairs as people sought to keep their distance. This was impossible on our many overnight train journeys, given that we slept six-up in cabins that measured roughly four square metres. It's a good thing they scan your bags for sharp objects before boarding, because after hearing how 'Daniel Craig is a grittier, darker Bond' for the 17th time, you'd have been sorely tempted to do yourself in, too. (And this was even before another party member started flinging the curtains open at 6am and asking anybody who was listening - i.e. nobody - if they'd noticed that the train had changed direction.)
But never mind. Compared to Beijing and X'ian, our next destination,
Great Wall at dawn
Epic in every sense Shanghai, was a big let-down: big, brash, boring and with air quality second only to sucking a TVR's exhaust pipe for sheer toxicity. (That said, the local acrobats do go a long way towards redeeming their city.) Unfortunately, this was also the place on which the dice landed for Christmas Day, and it was actually a relief to be boarding the overnight express out of town at about the time of the Queen's Speech.
Thankfully, the train took us away from sprawling cities and into the gorgeous countryside of Guilin province, where we spent several relaxed days in a town called Yangshuo at a hotel called - I kid you not - Fawlty Towers. We caught our breath again exploring the scenery, which is dotted with huge limestone karsts, by bike and boat. We also tried our hands at painting, a brilliant Chinese cookery class and, in an unrelated incident, I broke my second tooth of the trip trying to eat crab on a stick, thereby continuing my proud record of visiting a dentist on every continent we've been to.
From Yangshuo we headed into Longji hills, an area where local tribal groups making their living by farming
Summer Palace
Now do you believe that Beijing was colder than Blighty? miles and miles of rice terraces. This is stunning trekking country, enlivened by the Pythonesque local ladies who will hunt you down if you express so much as a passing interest in their wares (Adele found this out the hard way, and now has three 'genuine fake' bracelets instead of the one she actually wanted).
From then on, sadly, it was downhill - literally and figuratively. We saw the new year in having a cup of tea in silence in our darkened hotel room, having fled the group when somebody decided to put on the execrable Jude Law/Julia Roberts film
Closer to feed the party atmosphere at about 10pm. And therein lies the problem. On tours, as with families, you can't choose with whom you end up (although the obvious difference is that we actually like spending time with our families). After a couple of weeks, even your fellow-travellers' most harmless eccentricities can have you biting your arse off in anger and frustration. Which is a shame, because to quote another famous philosopher - this time Father Ted - 'the Choinese are a great bunch o' lads' (notwithstanding their fondness for expectorating in the street, texting while they walk
Beijing night market
Strangely, we weren't tempted or constant bombardment of anyone Western-looking with indiscriminate 'Hallos'). Their country is by turns magnificent, beguiling, frightening and bonkers, and we'd go back there tomorrow if we could; indeed, there's a possibility that we actually might.
By the time the tour ended, 48 hours down the road in Hong Kong, we were gasping for air. This, it transpired, helped us to fit in with the locals, who are increasingly suffocating under a creeping jungle of mine's-bigger-than-yours skyscrapers and gaudy neon. Hong Kong island itself is both spectacular and repellant, and proof of what happens when individuals and companies with too much money are let loose in the toybox. You can find surprising peace and quiet just a short ferry ride down the harbour in the province's outlying islands - one of which, Lantau, contains the biggest sitting buddha you're ever likely to see - but on the whole Hong Kong is not the place for either the faint-hearted or light-walleted.
So we scarpered, heading for the Thai capital Bangkok which, despite our fears of it being all leathered backpackers and ladyboys, is proving to be a thoroughly agreeable place. The attractions are as as diverse as meditative buddhist
Terracotta Warriors
And there's another 5000 where they came from temples and a 15,000-stall outdoor market that makes Camden look like a strawberry fayre. Once we tear ourselves away, the plan is to head north up the country, cross into Laos, travel down into Cambodia, up through Vietnam - and then possibly back into China, with a trip to Tibet. This time, though, it won't be with a group.
Take care,
Rob and Adelex
Catchphrase of the month
No.15: the rules for arriving guests at our hotel in X'ian. I promise we haven't made it up...
'Honorific ladies and gentlemen,
Please accept mostly sincere greeting of Jinchung Hotel.
If you want to add or barter fellow, please transact procedure in reception centre first.
All guests don't be permitted taking combustible, beastly, poisonous or indigestibility goods in hotel.
Please keep quiet in floor. Fighting, bibulousity, make trouble not allowed. Harlotry, drugging, contraband and gambling are forbidden.
In allusion to the actions of pecans, hotel will cancel the housing competence.
The dining room lies on the second floor. There have breakfast, lunch, dinner, provide diversified dish and characteristic nosh. It can make you without going out the hotel and tasting over all Shaan'xi
Our dinner
Sorry mate, but you were pretty damn tasty dishes and noshes.'
And our favourite bit... 'The dining room have dainty condition, have the hall of holding four hundreds and diversiform little rooms. It's the perfect site for business affairs, dinner - and bender.'
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Jan
non-member comment
What a good read!
I've been reading many accounts of trips in China - (we're about to book a tour ourselves) - and this was one of the best. (Just not long enough!) The photos were very good too. Thank you Adele and Rob for a very interesting piece of writing.