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Fluttering in the Wind
Another of countless breathtaking prayer flag sites in Darlag. You know you’ve been fully inaugurated into the lifestyle of a “Goma.” a woman of Golok, once there is an immovable layer of dirt under your fingernails and you find yourself sick as a dog, upper and lower respiratory systems totally infected, sitting on a hillside with yaks, vomiting into a ditch of trash, old clothes, and human and animal waste.
I was sick for three days, but other than a lingering cold, I am now quite recovered. (Thank you Dr. A for the antibiotics!) Holly was passing through town for a day and I joined her on a trip back up to Dawu. Dawu is a major step up from Darlag - cleaner, more “westernized,” there is even trash removal here! I’m now in what is probably the fanciest hotel of Golok - about one star by American standards - but the luxury of the basement shower and sauna room, privacy, a western toilet and the comfort of an American friend far outweigh the dinginess and ripped wallpaper.
Being sick in Darlag with no familiar bed, no bathroom, no rented movies to watch is a surefire way to shake up all reference points. I sat on the edge
Do Khyentse Yeshe Dorje
Do Khyentse Yeshe Dorje, a 19th century Buddhist Master from the Golok region, was known for his miraculous skills, using them to tame unruly spirits and countless beings' habits of suffering. of that ditch with no comfort but my meditation and knowing that according to dharma view, obstacles were ripening and being purified, a very good thing. Sometimes being here feels very hard. Monday was my low point so far - my mind was flooded with old familiar thoughts of “I can’t do this,” “This is crazy,” “I’m not strong enough,” “I’m not smart enough,” “I’ll never learn this dialect or be of benefit to anyone.” I know this pattern well. When I don’t feel well, my mind tries to make trouble, but these days, such thoughts are like slightly annoying houseguests. They come, I let them sit in the living room as long as they like, and when they’re ready, they go home. I’ve had these guests over many times in my life and I know that they have no real wisdom to impart. After many years of dharma teachings, I’m generally able to let hard times here wash over me and pass. Still, they are uncomfortable in the moment.
Last week, a sick toddler stayed in our home for two days. I’ve never been so close to such intense human discomfort. She had puss, phlegm and blood all over her hands and face and lay in her father’s arms like a limp rag, coughing and softly whining. No one else seemed even slightly fazed by how ill she was. There was nothing for me to do but sit quietly, keep myself from crying and silently recite prayers. On day two, I finally got up the guts to explain to her father that if her hands and face were clean, she might get well quicker. He understood enough of my floundering Tibetan, and together we cleaned her up and I brushed and braided her filthy, matted hair. No doubt having this child around was the source of my infection, but seeing someone so ill… who could not intervene?
I’ve met some wonderful scholars here in Dawu. One is Tibet’s greatest living poet. He is part of an ancient text preservation project and his group plans to publish nine volumes of Do Khyentse Yeshe Dorje's work. The connection seems amazing to me, since finding the teachings of this 19th century master was one of my primary objectives coming here. Another is a Ling Gesar scholar who happens to be part of Do Khyentse’s dharma lineage. Yesterday while I was in his office, a quiet man with long hair came in and joined us. After a few moments, it was explained to me that this man is a ngakpa (a yogi from the same tradition I practice) and a terton (a revealer of secret dharma teachings hidden centuries ago that are “rediscovered” by profound meditators). His area of specialty is revealing hidden songs of King Gesar, and to this point he has spontaneously sung 120 of them. A group is working to transcribe and translate them and later this year, they will be recorded. We had a nice connection and I explained to him that King Gesar is important in my Lama’s teaching as well. We marveled at how amazing it is to find such things in both the East and West. I told him I would like to study and learn the songs and he was very humbly appreciative.
At this point, I’m back to thinking I will set up a home here in Dawu. There are so many connections here for my work, too many to ignore. Over the next few days I will return briefly to Darlag, visit with Ama and Apa, and then return here and dive in. What started as a week of obstacles and illness has flowered into a pretty amazing series of circumstances and connections. As always, it’s impossible to know what the future will look like.
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Julia
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Faith, etc.
Stephannie, I feel so privileged to be able to glimpse inside your experiences. It's so easy for me to fall into a pattern much like the one you described and to believe the my life is filled with "hardships." I admire so much your journey and your courage. I'm learning so much just by reading your journals and am so grateful that you're sharing all of this with us. I think you're an amazing woman. Thanks for being in my life!