I think the pigs butthole I ate made me sick

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Yeah, I can't confirm it cause I don't know how to say "pig's lower intestine" in Chinese, actually...who am I kidding? I don't know how to say anything in Chinese with the exception of "thank you, thank you". So when I sat down for hot-pot at a questionable stall last week and tried to convey that I was not interested in any pork products, when the waitress said in Chinese...

"So you want Pork anus?"

I must have replied with...

"Thank you! Thank you!"

I walk around here sounding like a freaking Little Ceasar's commercial. I'm not so sure it was the content of the meal so much as it was the conditions that caused me to miss a day of surgery last week and stay confined to my hotel room. I also say that sentence "miss a day of surgery" to make it sound like I am actually contributing something in the operating room other than peering over shoulders with my mouth agape (thankfully hidden by the uncomfortable surgical mask).

I dunno though...surgery has gotten its mitts on me and I could see myself being a "dumb cutter" in the not so distant future. The only drawback is all the damn standing. I get stationary for a few hours on my feet and these old catcher's knees don't like it. A few times I acted like I dropped something over in the corner just so I could sneak away and do a couple of squats. If I can somehow find a residency that allows me to work in a Lay-Z-Boy, I'm in.

Even though I'm a clueless 1st year med student I got pimped a couple times. My first instinct was to act like I couldn't understand the question which was being posed to me in english but the naming skills learned in Bailey's WWAMI Anatomy came in handy as I nailed the 'gastrosplenic and hepatogastric ligaments'. I'm not even sure if those are the correct names but it got me out of further questions. Or perhaps underneath their masks they were biting their lips to stop laughing and decided to not waste their time asking the dumb-ass american any more questions. I don't know how these guys can tell what is going on in there. Truthfully, with the exception of the liver, it all looks like guts to me...or should I say my last hot-pot meal.

The other amusing thing, well, like most things probably only amusing to me, is when we are rounding and people see this taller guy with shaggy hair and a badge that says he's from america, they visibly think one of two things

1)who let this guy in here and why is he speaking all blibbidy-blabbidy bloo?

or more often

b) oh SH*T, I must have it bad. They've gone and got a specialist from the US.

The other day I was doing my 'deeply-interested-hand-rubbing-my-chin' pose while the attending was describing to me the case in english and one of the dudes in the room ran out in the hall, got the rest of the family and they all sat around us in a small circle with their hands on their hips, heads cocked to the side waiting to see if I was going to say anything. I pretty much settled on asking a few details like
"how old is the patient?" and "when did you say lunch was?"
but seeing as how I knew that nobody else spoke english I think I played it off well as a "yes, I concur. Proceed!" type conversation.

Before I forget, i would like to offer my

"Top 5 Jobs in China Not Likely to be seen in the US"

5) Escalator Security Guard/Attendant
-the dude isn't even watching his escalator, he's looking up skirts of the other one...and getting paid.

4) Foot Masseuse for a buck an hour
-And you should see some of these feet around here. It just ain't right.

3) Guard Rail Polisher
-three people who spent all day working about 100 yards of guard rail next to a busy ass road in nasty heat.

2) Guy who watches the guy who watches baggage being loaded
-mentioned already in an earlier blog

1)Street Vendor Selling and Installing Gold Teeth
-Man, I saw this one and I have to say I was tempted. If they had stocked platinum, I would be rolling back to the States with a brand new grill and a jewel encrusted jade pimp cup

I have come to accept that China is a land of stark contrasts. The inequity is not only limited to the economic haves and have nots. Never before have you seen so many couples walking around where you sit and think "damn, what the hell is going on here. You could do a lot better than that sister". Never before have I seen so many below average men with above average women. I can walk around for hours and people watch and it's like I'm in the movie "The Stepford Wives". Picture the guy from the Chinese Food Truck on Longwood Ave married to Lucy Liu. Or everyone knows that really skinny kid in high school who was super good in orchestra, math,played tennis but ate lunch alone...well here he's going out with Lisa Ling. And westerners are catching on as this place as the land of opportunity as can be seen by the single american dudes wandering around trying to practice their chinese, oddly enough only with young attractive women. Bizzare and entertaining. Who am I to playa hate though.

My itinerary after Shanghai leaves me with a 12 hour layover in San Fran. While at first I was dreading sitting at SFO for that long I am looking forward to spending the day in Cisco reintroducing myself into american culture by
1)getting a non flowbee haircut
2)having a meal where guessing is not involved
3)watching 1 or 2 movies at the Sony megaplex
4)shopping for clothes that fit

The movies are a must. You don't even know what i am dealing with over here. There are all these things that you have to remember are still government run, like television. Aside from the propaganda routinely run on CCTV, there is only one english news station and if I'm lucky I may catch a movie in english, but for the most part they are old american movies dubbed into chinese. You have not lived, well you have not been subjected to to cruel and unusual punishment, until you have had to settle for the following movies in Mandarin...
1) Weekend at Bernies
2) Harry and the Hendersons
3) Bambi

Yes, I sat through Bambi in Chinese. Funny, you don't cry as much when the mom gets shot if it's in a foreign language. Actually I probably shouldn't even be watching TV, but Chengdu I'm done-zo with, it's just become another city to me. The best part of travelling on the weekends has come to an end so it's really just a holding pattern for now. Clothes are pretty cheap here but it's seriously hard to find stuff that fits. Pants? Forget it...If I were to buy two pairs of jeans here I might be able to sew them together and come out with a nifty pair of capris. I also tried on a few size "L" t-shirts and I might as well have been bra shopping.

Alrighty folks, seeing as how I have been given the VIP seat of this internet shack right next to the loo and someone has been kind enough to point the fan from that pleasant room right at my seat I'm out...

much love,
ak

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Comments

[Steven Wanderlust]

funny
you're too funny...