Teacher, Leave us Kids Alone

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Teacher, Leave us Kids Alone

Upon arriving in China, I was surrounded by so many new sights, smells and sounds, but as the days turned into weeks, I knew something was not quite right… Alas, I realized as I reflected on the thoughts of Wilde, “I am not young enough to know everything”. What was I to do?

Aging is such a flaw to growing old, but despite this, I did not want that to hinder the fact that I am still not old enough to know nothing! So with that ambitious thought in mind, I decided I must enroll in a course and learn Chinese! So that is what I did.

I found a course offered by the university and enrolled in basic Chinese classes, and as I entered class on the first day, I sat timidly among five other guys, terrified that they would have a better understanding of Chinese and I would sit intimidated by their vast knowledge of a language so foreign to myself.

“Ni Hao”, the teacher begins. “Does anyone know what that means?”

Shit, I know that! I think as my hand flew up like a rocket. “Heeello”, I say proudly.

“Very good”, the teacher praises me. I glance at my peers to see if they are as in awe of me as I am of myself. Not so much.

Next were the introductions which gave me my first opportunity to survey my classmates.

Lucky for me, I found myself in good company with an American from Texas by the name of Robert, three Brits, James, Dave and Paul, and an Iranian, Ahmed. Maybe this won’t be so bad; I may even learn a thing or two.

“Okay”, the teacher continued. “We are going to study the four tones of the Chinese language which are extremely important as they determine the meaning of the words. Take, for instance, the word ‘ma’. ‘Ma’, like most Chinese words, can be said four different ways, and depending on the tone, ‘ma’ means either ‘mother’,’ hemp’, ‘horse’ or ‘curse’”.

The Texan in his late 40s raises his hand and asks, “Can you tell me how do you say girl?”

Oh boy.

“Repeat after me”, the teacher instructed. “mā, má, mǎ, mà.”

“Ma”, said James in his perfect English.

“No”, replied the teacher. “Maaa”.

“Maaa.”

“No, not quite. Listen again. Maaaaa”.

“Maaaa…”

“Ah, close, but not quite”.

“Fuck me, what do you mean? It’s identical to you!”

The rest of us look at each other nodding.

“I need a pint,” says Paul.

After an hour we are using our hands to gesture the sound of tone, our arms flailing up, down and all around.

“Ahmed, you try.”

As he battles through the tones, the teacher continues to correct him, his frustration growing and growing.

“My language not have China sounds”, he barks. “Maaaaa, maaaaaaa, maaaaaaaaaaa.”

By now his arms are flying as he screams, “Maaaaaaaaaaaaa”.

And I lose it!

Of course Robert decides he can help Ahmed by showing him how to position his lips.

“Like this”, shows the Texan. As if you are saying “laaaady”.

Well, that was an interesting first class.

As our class progressed over the next couple weeks, we all got more comfortable with each other until one week Ahmed struts in wearing a black suit and a tall Chinese girl in tow.

“What the fuck is this?” pipes up James.

“I need a pint,” says Paul.

“Teacher”, Robert says raising his hand. “How do I say pretty lady”?

“Okay, okay, okay; let’s review last week. Who can introduce themselves in Chinese?”

Without raising his hand the Iranian begins speaking as if the miracle of language had hit him.

The girl on his arm nods her approval… ah, the motivation.

“Robert? How about you?”

“I am Robert from the United States and I like pretty ladies”, he says in broken Chinese.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” James moans.

“If I wanted to tell a lady that I like her, what would I say…?”

“How do I say idiot in Chinese?”

“Has anyone heard a good place to grab a pint?”

“…And what age is appropriate to refer to a female as a lady?

“Like that’s going to do a lot of fucking good”.

“Can you believe a pint downtown costs the equivalent of twelve pounds?!”

“Maaaa, moooo, meeee, muuuu…”

“Good for your Ahmed.”

“…boooo, beeee, biiiii, buuuu….”

“Look who fucking knows everything now!”

“Who is she anyway? He must have picked her up at the pub… twelve pounds for a pint, can you believe it”.

“…So pretty lady is okay to say …?”

“Gaaa, goooo, giiii, guuuu…”

“Can anyone remember how to say…”

The tea is pouring from my nose and I wipe my teary eyes dry. It’s an absolute gong show.

Well, needless to say, my Chinese classes have been interesting, and despite the comedy of errors, I am able to get by with the basics now. Of course Erin is a constant source of insight as learning Chinese from the textbook is much different then speaking it on the street.

While it is too early to determine just how much I will learn from the class itself, I can be certain that each class will be a source of entertainment! As for my own progress, I am feeling confident that I can navigate the basics and at least figure out how to survive; the formalities can come later!

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Comments

[cabochick]

OMG, I have not laughed that hard in a while! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Thank you for the great read, I will be following you now.

[Cheri]

ROFL
Oh Sean- I am laughing so hard the coffee is running from my nose! You paint such a clear picture with your words that I feel as if I am in your class with you. You should write a script for a sit-com based on your classes (not like the show Community- it would be much funnier). You could have Erin speak only in Chinese to you and the reward for getting things right would be kisses. Keep working on it and let me know how it's going.

[Where Did the Real Go]

Oh, not to worry... Erin has been amazing in helping me figure out the words on the street and very encouraging! A genuine guide :)