Rounding out the Week

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It has been an exhausting week. The frustrations that I had last week have continued into this week, yet there are some key moments that have made it all worthwhile.

Really, to recount the week with much detail would be a tiring endeavour. It is just really difficult to keep 47-49 children ordered for even twenty minutes. I have one class that does not really respect me at all. They just take advantage of the fact that I am not a regular teacher. On the other hand I have gained quite a bit of respect with my homeroom class. I know their names and can really gain their attention. I just know that if I were here longer then I would be able to gain their respect a little. But...alas, I leave in a week.

The other thing is that the teacher that I shadow has quite interesting pedagogy. Yesterday she hit a child. Well- I guess it worked, but it's not really my style. She yells at them a lot. But, when she is in the room the students are really quiet, but she often leaves to take care of other matters, and the students become rambuncious again. It is a challenge.

On the other hand, I have had a few moments that keep me doing what I am doing. The student I mentioned earlier, Zaakirah, wrote me two poems and drew pictures for me in a card. I guess my lesson on poetry paid off. And yesterday she asked me if I really had to leave. Other students are also asking me similar things and showing their affection. These are my homeroom students. It is such a drastic difference between them and the class that I don't really know.

When I am disrespected, part of me gets upset, and part of me is like- well look at me...I'm white. I start thinking about what people that look like me have done to these children and I am like "well no wonder they don't want to respect me." I mean sure, I am not South African. I didn't really have anything to do with apartheid, but do I expect any child to really comprehend that. Not really. And that is just one of the many issues that could be addressed. Any number of sociological issues come into play when asking these questions. It really is quite overwhelming.

Right now I am kinda just pouring out my thoughts, so I apologize if it doesn't make sense, and it is probably not thought through all the way....will it ever be?

All I know is that I am glad I am here and I am probably learning more from these students than they are from me. That might actually be the point. I think we (wealthy people) have just as much responsibility to learn about these issues as the people that are dealing with them first hand. And...I don't think it's about me "counting my blessings" either. I don't think I can just say..."wow I am just so thankful for what I have." Sure, part of me is. I've had more luxuries in the past month than these people will ever see in their whole life. But part of me realizes that that kind of thinking might just be me deciding to be lazy instead of putting what I have learned into action. I have no clue what that action looks like. I do still believe that an education is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive, and I also think that positive relationships rooted and established in God's love is even more important. All I can really do is love those around me, even if they don't love me back. So yes...in that respect I am thankful. In that respect I am counting my blessings. Because I do have positive relationships that are rooted in God's love. My parents, my grandparents, my aunt, uncle, and all of my friends have shown me that my whole life.

So maybe I am just going in circles. That's pretty much what I have done for a long time. It's difficult and there is no easy answer. So for now the obvious answer is to show God's love to everyone we meet and to live knowing that Jesus embraced those that are marginalized and try to do the same.

I am coming home in a week. I am excited, nervous, and sad. My life before South Africa seemed quite certain. I was a student, and I had an excellent job. Now I am coming home just as a student and no job. I am quite insecure about the no job part. So, I am cherishing this last week, because I am going to really miss this place. I have been thinking about everyone at home. I hope everyone is doing well. I am off for now. Tomorrow we go up north to see some spring flowers. I am pretty excited.

God's peace,
Jill

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