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There's More Than One Way to Skin a Cow
At this roadside slaughterhouse in the northern city of Jos they like to pour kerosene onto cows and light it to get to the meat. It is not a fair reflection on Nigeria that the subject I choose to write about for this particular blog is how I left the country. Yet leaving was the most entertaining part of an entertaining couple of weeks crossing this big bewildering nation.
Nigeria was never a country high on my list of places to visit. It has even less tourist sights than its neighbouring West African countries, and even they don’t have many. But the highlight, as for all of Africa, and the reason why I keep coming back, is the people. Travelling through Africa you get used to the shouts of “HELLO”, “HOW ARE YOU?” and “HEY, WHITE MAN”. In Nigeria, at an even greater volume, you get “WELCOME TO NIGERIA!” “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Doesn’t matter if you are standing right in front of the person or across the street, greetings will be shouted at increasingly louder volumes as everyone wants to be heard. Any response by yourself, whether a wave or a “hello, I’m from England”, will be greeted by roars of laughter from the now gathered crowds. Some places it isn’t quite like this, other places it takes twenty minutes to walk
Village Near Makurdi
After the enormous, bustling, dirty Nigerian cities, it was nice to see a village that was more like the Africa I know and love. a hundred metres because you have to shake everyone’s hand on the way. It does get tiring, feeling like a celebrity everywhere you go, but its fun too.
Another reason Nigeria was not high on my list of places to visit, is its dangerous reputation. True, kidnappings, murders and bombs are not uncommon, but these predominantly occur in the Niger Delta. The big oil companies are in the process of raping the delta region for all its worth and not giving a stuff about the local people or the environment. This all takes place with the consent of influential politicians who get their substantial pockets lined by the multinational corporations. So why is it so dangerous down there? Well, if I was forced off of land that my family had lived on for generations, could not farm or fish due to pollution, was shared none of the wealth gained from natural resources above which I lived, could not afford fuel despite sitting on the eight biggest oil reserve in the world, and had to watch civil servants and company directors growing richer and fatter while I slowly starved, I be rather bitter as well.
Anyway, I made it
Common Agama
I know I have put up lots of photos of these lizards, but I like them. through the country completely unscathed. Despite the recent elections and threats of riots due to allegations of vote rigging and voter intimidation, the violence did not materialise. Umaru Yar’ Adua won the election. A relative unknown who is apparently just a puppet for the previous president Olusegun Obasanjo. Obasanjo had tried to change the constitution to allow him to stand a third term but this was turned down by the senate. Despite being number one on all league tables of most corrupt countries in the world, people I spoke to spoke of great improvements since Obasanjo took over in 1999, so hopefully Umaru Yar’ Adua can continue the trend.
Most people travelling from Nigeria to Cameroon will find themselves in Calabar, a pleasant riverside town, surrounded by forested hills. Calabar is home to a Cameroon consulate where you can get the Cameroon visa; thus avoiding a trip to Lagos. There are two options onward from Calabar; either a four day drive along terrible roads through the jungle, that may be impassable seeing as it is rainy season, or an overnight ferry. I mulled it over for all of five seconds and picked the boat. Admittedly the scenery on the
Friendly Truck
Looking at all the roadside wrecks, be very afraid. drive is probably wonderful, but then it was on the boat too.
I arrived for the ferry at 7.30pm, an hour before it was due to leave. We got going at midnight. The ship was like an oversize fishing boat. Open deck at the back for cargo and people “too cold for you white man”, a cabin inside with about thirty seats “no, no, follow me, I show you best seats”, and another cabin down some steps with about twenty seats “sit here, sit here, best seats”. I’m afraid I didn’t agree with the friendly steward. I had heard that the crossing could be quite rough, so the last place I wanted to be was a windowless vault, bouncing up and down in the bow of the ship. But I didn’t want to appear rude to the good chap so accepted the seat.
As we pulled away from the harbour, the ship’s PA crackled into life. At remarkable volume a voice, that I assumed belonged to the captain but later found out was a preacher, started yelling at us. The sermon lasted just over an hour. We sang “UP UP JESUS, DOWN DOWN SATAN” over and over. We
The Capital Abuja
A city unusual in Nigeria in that it has open spaces, tall, modern buildings, the roads and pavements are quiet. Unfortunately the areas of green are being overtaken by the building sites. shouted “AMEN!” and “HALLELUJAH!” quite frequently. People were very willing. I then struggled to get any sleep on the uncomfortable seats as a baby wailed all night long and the lady from the Ivory Coast sat beside me kept stroking my hand and asking me to marry her. At 5am we were all woken with a start because someone had decided to put a Nigerian action movie on the tiny fuzzy TV. Surprisingly, given that the TV was on full volume, it went down a storm. I had to put up with both very loud gunfire and cheers from the passengers as the baddies got shot. I decided relief could only be gained by going up onto deck. Then the film stopped. Hooray! My excitement was short-lived; the preacher came back on.
He started at 6.15am. This time it was more of a rollicking than a sermon. It went on until 8.30am. For two and a quarter hours he shouted and shouted. “WITH JESUS IN YOUR HEART, YOU WILL HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT!” I want you to shut up. “LOVE JESUS AND YOUR ENEMIES WILL NEVER DEFEAT YOU! YOU SHOULD ONLY FEAR GOD!” And a sleep deprived Yorkshireman. “ALL
Typical Nigerian Road
What you are seeing here is four roadblocks in the space of 100 metres, all acting independantly, all who pull you over to try and extort cash for no apparent reason. RAISE YOUR RIGHT HANDS!” We all did. “NOW LETS PRAY TOGETHER AND GOD WILL MAKE THREE OF YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!” Number 1: You fall over the side. Number 2: I only need one, thanks anyway though God.
The more excited he got, the louder he got. So loud that the speakers distorted and you couldn’t actually hear what he was saying. More than once he had to ask twice for an “ALLELUJAH!”
The deck was much more peaceful. To the south could be seen the distant Bioko Island of Equatorial Guinea. To the north was the great bulk of Mount Cameroon. The scene was shrouded in dark rain clouds that turned the Atlantic gunmetal grey. The last hour or so, it was really nice to just stand chatting, watching the flying fish skip along from the wake, and watch Cameroon get ever closer and ever greener. A lovely way to arrive into what would become one of my favourite countries in the world.
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