Surviving my birthday in Africa = lots of vodka served up Maputo style

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Birthday Shenanigans

So… I often have mixed emotions when it comes to my birthday. I get really excited, but there are always tears (ask Alicia… she has seen many and doesn’t understand why I always cry on my birthday)

This year the lead-up was tear-filled and filled with – what the hell am I doing in my life questions that my poor roommate got to deal with daily. I had nothing major planned for the weekend, but when Michelle’s postponed Christmas party got postponed yet again –she decided we were heading to Maputo.

So Friday afternoon we set off in the Polo. I have driven every time, but Michelle offered to drive my car (hers is a bit of a lemon). Hanging with Michelle is hilarious – it is like a comedy of errors. On the way to the border she had to slam on the brakes when a gaggle of geese decided to hang out in the middle of the road on the corner of a hill. ( I tried to warn her by yelling Ducks! Ducks. Her response... what the hell kind of ducks do you have in Canada. Those are geese!)

Then when we crossed over into Mozambique, she was put-putting along behind a truck. I thought she was just being cautious because it was my car, so I gently urged her that it was ok to go, there was no one coming. (It was more like a sarcastic... Uh Michelle, I think you can go now). She kept peeking out and said – no, I think there is some kind of debris on the road up ahead. Um ya… we keep driving and there was like a 2.5 meter long crocodile in the other lane! Just chilling. We couldn’t tell if it was still alive, but there was a truck coming the other way that was probably going to drive over it. So glad she didn’t go for it… no way the polo could have made it.

Our fave person in Mozam (Joe) was busy and couldn’t host us at his 5-star house. Instead we decided on fatima’s hostel downtown. Crap. Crap. Crap. Michelle was so sad… she kept saying it was such a big step down from joe’s place. Plus it was like 1000 degrees in our little double room. The fan did not touch either of us, and only slightly moved the massive mosquito net. A far departure from our air-conditioned king-size bed at Joe’s place.

When we arrived I wasn’t feeling so good. Ok – so I think I had gluten because I had some serious stomach problems. I had plans of drinking on an empty stomach but I was not plannng for this, and there was literally nothing left in my body. We had a nap, and we got Michelle what crap vegetarian food we could find and at 10 pm I made gluten free pasta but forgot sauce. Very exciting meal! Weird part – when I woke up from my nap….I had lost my voice. I sounded all raspy.

We made friends with three guys – 23 year old Kiwi and South Africa who had worked together in Perth Australia (Michelle’s home town), and a 28 year old Swiss guy who has been travelling for 2 years they picked up travelling in a hostel in SA. They were tired – apparently they had drive 12 hours trying to get to the beach in Ponta. Regular readers of my blog might remember I went there in November – worst roads ever and you need 4 x 4 because when the roads end and you hit sand.

They knew you needed 4 x 4, but being boys they are stupid and tried to take the 2 wheel sedan anyways. They were tired, but we convinced them to go out with us. Most of you won’t believe this but I don’t drink very often, and haven’t that much while in Africa. Michelle wanted to get me hammered for my bday, because she claims she has never seen me crazy drunk yet. Empty stomach/intestines, a few vodkas and I was ready to go. We wanted to go to a funky street that opens up on certain nights, but it was closed, so our taxi drivers took us to the train station.

The Train Station

Um – train station was amazing last time. This time we rock up and it was like a private party for old men or something? There was food everywhere, and someone brought the boys plates of cake (which they reported was quite tasty). Needless to say the boys were confused on where we had brought them, and Michelle and I were so confused how the place could be so cool one night – and random the next.

To improve the mood we got to drinking. Vodka. They don’t give you drinks by the ounce, they just free pour. A single had us with about 1 cm of space for mix. The options were coke (gross) or crystal light (calorie-reduced juice powder sent from Canada) which I had in my purse. So we got water and I mixed us some lovely pomegranate cherry flavoured vodka-water.

When I went to buy us another drink, got chatted up by an older man and his friend. Guy was from Portugal, 42 years old… and asked me to join them for tequila shots. Stupidly I broke my ‘no shots’ rule and did one. Gross. What is sadder… I am at the age now where 42 year old Portugese men want to chat with me. Sigh.

Got back to heavy drinking with michelle and the boys – heard more about how they had to push their car out of sand all day. Then said screw the music – it is time to dance. At one point I was belting out Journey – don’t stop believing. All 4 of them looked at me like I was crazy. I think they are either too young to know that song or don’t watch Glee. Michelle who is from Australia should know it – but said it was crap. Imagine that.

The rest of the night was sort of a blur of dancing and chatting with strange old men. At about 4 pm you could tell the party was starting to die and there were all these woven baskets up at the bar. They use them to put the bill in. In my drunken state – I decided I wanted one. I took a smaller one and hid it under my shirt – giving myself an enormous outey belly-button.

Michelle decided we needed one more drink. But she took the crystal light and poured them both into our glasses – making one so strong. (it should have been for 1.5 litres, not 2 cups). I’d like to think it was the influx of aspertaime, but maybe it was the vodka, but I started to not feel so good. I texted on my phone to michelle – I have to go home soon. She said ok. I took the phone back, texted I think I am going to vomit soon – she said ok.

The next thing I remember I was leaning on one of the guys while Timmy from Switzerland negotiated in Spanish for all of us to get in a taxi (even though it is a 4 person limit). I remember getting shoved in the back seat and then what felt like 2 seconds later – the cops stop us. In mozam you must carry your passport at all times. I sobered up long enough to show the guy our passports and then sat back down.

Stupid boys didn’t have theirs so they were trying to negotiate a lower bribe from the corrupt police officers (please note this would never happen with Joe because he has diplomatic license plates).

The next 3 minutes goes like this.

Sharman: Oh my god. I am going to be sick. Move

Kiwi – (trys to stand up but man with giant AK 47 motions to not move) Ok the guy with the big gun says I can’t move.

Sharman; I am going to be sick. Move now!

Kiwi – here.. here is a bag.

Sharman: I don’t want an f’ing bag. GET OUT OF MY F’ING WAY!!!

The kiwi shuffles enough for me to get around where I proceed to vomit neon pink (damn you cherry flavoured crystal light) and gluten free noodles. Clearly I don’t chew my food.

Corrupt Police officer: (in portugeuse) I think your friend needs help.

They paid them off and we were on our way. I had to lay down across the guys so it wouldn’t look like too many people were in the cab. When we got back to Fatimas I had round two of neon pink vomit. Afterwards the 23 year old South African took one look at me, said lets fix you up, and actually had to pull my tube-top up which was around my waste. Michelle was suprised by just how bright pink my vomit was. I was a mess – nothing like closing out my 30th year in style.

Hangover from Hell

In the morning I woke up in the hot-box room and realized it was 10:30. (check out at 10 – and we had only arrived home at 5). I ran out in a towel – with absolutely no voice and asked for 30 extra minutes. Michelle was hot and angry The boys were switching hostels because their room was crap too – but all five of us needed some time laying on couches before we could move. Plus we all had to go through the 100 photos I had taken the night before.

Oh man were some funny. The best was when Kiwi said… oh ya, that guy was so annoying. His friend had the face. Michelle looks at him funny and says ‘the face?’ And kiwi was like – ya, you know the one I am talking about. Memories flooded back to me and we both started laughing at the same time. The short guy from Zimbabwe was so annoying and kept bringing his friend over to talk to me. The guy was wearing a pink shirt and had a face that was all pock-marked and like scarface or something. I didn’t register it the night before but as soon as he said it we couldn’t stop laughing. (Please people… I know I am an evil person. So what, karma served me with a wicked hangover, so whatever.)

I was in one sorry state, swollen throat/tonsils, husky voice, and hunover as hell. We went to a place with an outdoor pool and I laid under a palm tree for a half an hour nursing some mango juice before michelle said I needed food. She thought a quick dip in the pool would refresh me. If you ask her, she will tell you that I slowly made my way to the pool, slipped in, and rested my head against the wall. She had a quick nap and when she looked at me again, I hadn’t moved.

We went for lunch at Costa del Sol, ran into the boys again, and after a delicious plate of prawns and calamari, and tea for my throat, I was feeling much better. (I know I was hungover, but you cannot come to Maputo and not have seafood).

Went for a quick stop at the Saturday market for some mobiles and fridge magnets from my favourite seller. Michelle bought me a beautiful jewellery box for my bday – and I bought a painting with money that my mom sent for my bday.
By the time we were driving back I managed to get down a popcicle and a Gatorade, but the voice was gone. Michelle couldn’t believe how quiet I was – the last hour of our drive was in silence. When we crossed the border we got to the military checkpoint. I was still in my beach dress which I knew would cause some attention. The guy leaned in the window, then looked back at the army tent and actually yelled WHITE GIRLS.

Another guy came out to chat with Michelle while the first one searched through my underwear. I tried to go to bed at 9, but was up at 2 pm with a burning throat so bad I had to make tea and search through stephen’s medicine kit for some lozenges.

31st Bday in Swaziland

Under my door in the morning, i found an envelope. Stephen had printed some photos for my bday that I adore – one is a baby donkey in a cement tube. He also hooked me up with antibiotics to heal whatever tonsillitis or strept throat issues I was having. He got up early and joined me, Duane, Marina and Clara (new CCI girl who just arrived) for breakfast at Swazi Candles.

Stephen got called away and the rest of us chilled at the pool at The Royal Swazi Hotel before heading back to Manzini for an Asian dinner at Michelles. Stephen made prawns on a mini bbq, and everyone else brought asian inspired gluten free dishes. Yao (my Taiwanese neurologist friend) whipped up the best thai green chicken curry ever. Using mangos from the tree in Michelle’s yard we made a mango crumble that was delicious – but according to Michelle- was a pretty pathetic birthday cake.

I went home with basically no voice – managed my way through a good chat with Stephen on our balcony – and went to bed. Even though there were lots of tears leading up to it, I think the only tears I cried on the weekend were after I vomited and couldn’t stop apologizing to Michelle and the boys.

And so I survived my 31st Bday in Swaziland

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Photos

Cigars? Cigarettes?
My attempt at stopping the boys from smoking.

Prawns - Steven Style
Ace (my intern) had prawns for the very first time that night.

Comments

[Steve-O]

Happy Belated!!
happy belated birthday shar!! hope yo na-nas arent saggin like national geographic. luv ya!!