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Published: December 25th 2006
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Hello Children!
That's me on the right by the way. Oh, and despite what you might think, Vikki is not in the picture. It's at this time of year that the civilised, westernised world (basically everyone except North Korea, Peterhead and the island of Lewis) forgets about work, joins the mass cull of trees and turkeys, dons ridiculous red and white hats and celebrates the birth of the saviour, Santa Claus.
Here in Japan, Christmas means as much as it does in the UK, ie. high profit margins for department stores and massive sales of Coca-cola. Never ones to miss out on an opportunity to party and stuff poultry with rice-balls (??), the Japanese holiday season is as frantic as it is back home but with less quality television (sadly we'll miss the annual killing spree in Albert Square) and a distinct lack of mince pies. I only mention the quality of the television programmes as I've just watched a Japanese stage version of Star Wars where all the characters were dressed as mice. I couldn't work out whether it was supposed to be funny or not, but the Darth Vader character had obviously had a bit of a tiff with the make-up girl as his whiskers were drawn on squint and despite his mastery of the Force, his tail kept falling off.
Anyway,
Big in Japan
This is me being filmed at the Fuji TV studio's in Tokyo. as I watched Princess Leia snuffling round the stage in a skimpy santa outfit with a midget mouse (who I took to be R2D2), it got me thinking about the way the Japanese have a way of taking something extremely foreign, discarding the boring bits and making it their own, in their very own distinctive fashion. With this is mind, I present to you, based on our experiences of this strange and wonderful country, my version of the nativity:
If Jesus had been born in Japan And so it came to pass that having reached level four the Angel Gabrielle did appear on Mary-san's Nintendo Wii. He told Mary-san that she would have a child and his name would be J-sus and he would be the son of Godh - a high ranking level eight Pokemon.
Mary sent an email to Joe_Sive@virginbirth.com letting him know the news. He Skyped her back immediately and they were married in a simple ceremony at the Magic Castle in Disney World.
Due to the high prices and lack of space at their open-plan 23rd floor apartment in Shinjuku, Joe and Mary decided to travel to Kyoto for Christmas.
Having fought their way
through rush-hour at Shinjuku station, then Tokyo station and endured several hours on a simple double-decker Shinkansen with ample leg room, reclining seats and a trolley service, Mary was fairly knackered (that's the original Biblical wording).
By the time they arrived in Kyoto it was late and they couldn't afford a taxi as they'd blown the last of their cash on a bento box and rice balls in Kyoto stations highly impressive food court and they couldn't find an ATM that would accept their credit cards.
They trudged the American grid-style street layout of central Kyoto for at least twenty minutes before they found their hostel. They'd booked it online through HostelWorld because it had received great ratings from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and had wireless internet access and a trouser press in each room.
Unfortunately when they spoke to the receptionist, they were told that a mistake had been made and their booking had been cancelled. There was no room at the hostel - and to top it off they'd lost their 10% booking deposit.
Fortunately the hostel manager knew of a cheap hotel round the corner that had a room going free. He offered to drive them
round there in his white, tinted windowed, Nissan Cube. Mary and Joe saw that there was little choice and grudgingly accepted (before they left though, they vented their frustrations by tearing up their useless Japanese Youth Hostel Association cards).
"Jesus - what's this supposed to be!?", exclaimed Joe upon seeing their accommodation. The manager just shrugged and pointed to the hourly tarriff for use of the room...
And so it was that Mary gave birth to the baby J:sus in a room called "The Stable" in the farmyard themed "Ranch" love hotel, complete with vibrating bed, straw stuffed mattress and a variety of inflatable animals. The cattle were lowing as air gently escaped from the their faulty udders. And lo, Mary, shaken by her ordeal and a faulty bed, laid the baby J:sus in a blanket in the ensuite bathrooms wooden sink.
Meanwhile on the otherside of the wall in the "Sheep Pen" room, tourists from the outer regions of Aberdeenshire... watched... their sheep by night. Suddenly in a burst of light and a fanfair of synthesizer rifts the Angel Gabrielle appeared to them on their 42 inch HDTV Sony Bravia flatscreen telly and told them about the birth of
J:sus. They switched off the telly, knocked back the dregs of their Asahi lager and put their ears to the wall - and lo! it was true - a baby had been born! With much haste they binned their cans (in the appropriate recycling bin), deflated their sheep and made their way to the bedroom nextdoor.
Outside the hotel window (which like most glazing in Japan was single panel as CR Smith are yet to be invented here) three unwisely scantily clad girls heard the racket and looked up at the window. And lo! they heard Gabrielle's voice thanks to the impressive quality of the Dolby surround sound on the telly. Being hysterical teenagers looking for the next big thing, they decided to follow the sound and light from the window so that they may visit the king and find out if he is likely to release a single in the near future. Knock-kneed, long legged and hen-toed, they awkwardly stumbled their way into the hotel elevator in their high-heels and incredibly tight, circulation cutting, short skirts. Unfortunatley, not being the wisest of utsey-cutesy J-girls they knocked on the "Pig Pen" door by mistake and were invited in by a
small, irritatingly loud, flag baring tour guide called Herod who was upset that some little upstart was stealing his limelight. He sent them out immediatley to find this "king" and report back.
Fortunatley, not being the wisest of girls, by the time they reached the "The Stable" room, their hysterical excitement had reached fever pitch and they'd forgotten all about nasty, mean, Herod. In a frenzy of giggling, blushing, masquara and foundation they layed down gifts of gold spangly Hello Kitty bangles, ridiculously long stripey socks and a small picture of Japans baseballing David Beckham: Shin-Jo.
THE END.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all (even Japanese tour guides).
PS. We've moved into the world of moving pictures... check out our Happy Christmas video and marvel at our sad lives...
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Jenni
Jennifer Baldacci
Nutters
I think you guys are completely nuts and hilarious. Well, mabe just you for the nuts Robbie; your Chip Monster was always seemingly sane. Just wanted to wish you both a nice holiday and a fantastic New Years! Looking forward to reading your new adventures with longing and jealousy. Love, Jenn