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Leaving My Boyfriend Behind While I Travel The World - Help!

I'm leaving the country (and my boyfriend of 2 years) to go travelling .. I need help as to what kind of contact we should maintain.

15 years ago, June 27th 2008 No: 1 Msg: #40164 Delete Edit

Raspberry
MS

N Posts: 2

Eeek ..

I am leaving the country in six months to travel (for an indefinite amount of time) .. I need to sort out my head and experience some new things before I commit to something serious. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 2 years.

Because I want to experience new things, keeping a long distance relationship is out of the question in my brain. We have decided to see other people while I\'m away. However, we really love each other, so are unsure what to do.

We\'ve talked about
a) No contact
b) Sporadic contact, but with rules attached (ie don\'t tell me about any new relationships, no speaking of how much we miss one another etc)
c) Email all the time like we do anyway - tell each other everything and what\'s on our minds etc

It seems silly to cut all contact with my best friend, but I don\'t want to be hanging out for emails all the time, because then he will still be in my brain and I won\'t be open to new people. I worry that if we cease contact, we will both be horribly and unnecessarily sad.

We do want to create something serious for the future when I come back.

Because I\'m leaving in six months, the vibe is getting weird - like, we both know I\'m leaving so things are a bit funny with that.

I would love some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

Thanks 😊 Reply to this

15 years ago, June 27th 2008 No: 2 Msg: #40165 Delete Edit

deleted_49612
deleted_49612

D Posts: 24.6K

Hello Raspberry 😊

I think it is not necessary to cut all contact. It is not even necessary to start seeing other people. Do you both really want to do that?

We do want to create something serious for the future when I come back.

Do you mean like getting married? If so, then seeing other people and cutting off all contact will do not a lot towards achieving this goal in my opinion.

From the above, I get the impression that you feel that seeing other people and cutting off contact will somehow help you escape the pain??

Mel

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15 years ago, June 27th 2008 No: 3 Msg: #40166 Delete Edit

deleted_49612
deleted_49612

D Posts: 24.6K

Here is a thread which may interest you.

Advice on Keeping your Relationship while away!

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15 years ago, June 28th 2008 No: 4 Msg: #40178 Delete Edit

Debtravel
Debbie

B Posts: 212

I think you need to decide whether you are committed or not - right now. You seem to contradict yourself a bit in what you say - ie: that you want to experience new things before you commit to something serious, and that you want to create something serious when you get back. You can't 'be committed' at some abstract point in the future - if you're uncertain how you feel now, you can't know you'll want to commit later. And if you're sure you want something serious in the future, then you're committed now.
I don't really see any difference between love and committment - if you love each other, you're committed to each other - it's as simple as that.

I'm wondering if you've decided to see other people and delay your committment because you want to go away - but wanting to travel doesn't mean you can't still be committed to each other. It sounds a bit like your wanting to travel has made the two of you freak out - ie you're doubting your love/committment for him and he's doubting it too - but it doesn't have to be like that - if you do love each other - it's just something you need and want to do.

If on the other hand, the truth is that you don't feel committed now ie that you're not sure of your love for him, then you can't really give a promise that you want to create something in the future - you don't know that yet.

I don't think the issue is deciding whether to have no contact, sporadic contact, or contact all the time - it's working out how you feel now Reply to this

15 years ago, June 29th 2008 No: 5 Msg: #40244 Delete Edit

Maisondubonheur
Pierre-Alexandre

B Posts: 1,583

Agree with what Debbie is writting...love and travel can match...it's like love and work...it's all depend of 2 individuals who can get it right or not. And if you love, you can wait and commit....

My little own experience. I've met a wonderful girl three months ago. I had all my trips planed for 6 months. We are going to be far away for the next two months...I'm writting this from Washington, she is in Shanghai...but hey, if you love, you enjoy skype...you get frustrated...and you know even if tomorrow is not in 24 hours...tomorrow will be together.

But that doesn't work for everybody. I had an ex who was (and i'm sure is still) working 90 hours a week...she was jaleous because I was not home when she was back home at 11pm, as I was travelling when she was overworking...all the time ...guess what...if you love, you want to give, not to receive...you want to share. For me, it's simple, if you are not sure, you are not in love...if you are scared...that's more than normal...life is scary...so if you love him, and want him...go travel, and set everything (like skype) to be next to each other...if you think love is...we can do whatever we want for 6 months...and in 6 or 12 months, we'll be back together...well, this is simply not love...go travel, but your relation is over.

Some sepnd their life tryingto find what they dream of...and when they find it...just waste it...if you love him, and you think he is the one...just deal with it...because...you kow...
Have fun....love ....travel....I do! Reply to this

15 years ago, June 29th 2008 No: 6 Msg: #40248 Delete Edit

laetitiaaroundtheworld
Laetitia

B Posts: 165

Leaving the country to travel, well...this in itself is exciting and would most likely bring a lot of great experiences but then if you are serious about a future commitment you might want to live some of those experiences together... will make you stronger and will allow you as well to truly discover the other one!
Life is full of surprises good and bad but knowing the true personality of the other one is very important and for some reasons by being both away from your home country you might get to know each other better.
Enjoying experiences on your own is important too, too many people are living through other one, with an incapacity to create their own center of interest/ friends/life which then suffocate the other one, so ... guess their is no magical recipe but doing part of the trip alone and part of the trip together could be a balanced solution! :-)
Wishing you the best ! Reply to this

15 years ago, July 30th 2008 No: 7 Msg: #43682 Delete Edit

deleted_84398
deleted_84398

d Posts: 5

I am in the same position, my partner and I have been seeing eachother for 6 months and I am supposedly emigrating to Australia in the new year (where I have been given a job on a 457 visa). It's a horrible position to be in. My heart wants to stay but my head wants to go.
I've always wanted to travel and I've always wanted to fall in love, but now it seems that I can't have them together. Part of me feels that if I don't travel I will regret it for the rest of my life, but then I wonder if it's the right thing to do. I tried finishing it with my partner, but it broke my heart and I couldn't do it and I realised I don't want to, not until I have to leave. But I know it's going to loom over our relationship for the next few months.
He said he is in love with me as well and that is why he feels its not an option for me to stay and give up the opportunity to go to Australia. I've never felt this way about anyone before (and I'm 23 yrs old) but I'm afraid that if I did stay and it didn't work out I would have wasted the biggest opportunity of my life. I know its only been 6 months, but we've spent most of that time practically in eachother's pockets and we've become very attatched. My head is in a complete mess!

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15 years ago, July 31st 2008 No: 8 Msg: #43801 Delete Edit

Samarquista
Samuel Gimbel

B Posts: 27

Here's my experience:

IF AT ALL POSSIBLE TRAVEL WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE!!!

that's not always (or even usually) possible, but it certainly will always add to the experience. If you're on a mind-clearing trip designed to "set up" the next part of your life, I think the question you should ask yourself is not "do I want to keep up contact" or even "will it hurt too much to be apart," but rather "what will my life be like if I don't travel?"

its been my experience that NOT TRAVELING can be the worst thing you can do for your current relationships. Staying sedentary when you want to be moving can and will cause strain on you and the relationships you have with loved ones. If you want to travel, do it. Love may be tricky, exhilarating, and painful at times, but its NEVER a substitute for living your life.

Live, be true to yourself, and love will find a way. It always does. Reply to this

15 years ago, August 5th 2008 No: 9 Msg: #44300 Delete Edit

lis
Lisa

N Posts: 6

If he's the one dont let him go. Go travel but dont let him go, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. No reason why ye cant make it work if ye both want it enough 😉 Reply to this

15 years ago, August 5th 2008 No: 10 Msg: #44335 Delete Edit

Debtravel
Debbie

B Posts: 212

I don\'t want to be hanging out for emails all the time, because then he will still be in my brain

Also - the thing is, even if you decide: no contact, or not much contact - you might think that's all sorted and fixed etc, that's the decision you've come to - but maybe your feelings won't be in alignment with your logical resolve. ie you might find yourself waiting for emails anyway and then it'll feel worse than if you'd decided to keep in touch, because now you've got this 'rule'. Making such a rigid decision might be too much and it's possibly stuff like that that's more in danger of driving a wedge between you than all the travelling you'll do. Because each of you might be thinking/feeling, 'oh, but I really do actually want to be in contact. Should I get in touch? But I better not, because we promised. Or maybe I should anyway. What's he/she thinking?' etc etc - already the lovely open communication you have at the moment, starts to get compromised. Reply to this

15 years ago, August 15th 2008 No: 11 Msg: #45603 Delete Edit

Raspberry
MS

N Posts: 2

Yes .. I agree.

I have talked to him about this, and I think we've decided to just do whatever. Email if we feel like emailing, don't if we don't. Just like normal. I mean, we email a lot as it is - just to tell each other about our day or whatever. We did realise that all these rules about when we can talk and what we can talk about is silly. Like you say, Deb, in trying to make it easier for ourselves by cutting it all off, I think it would make it harder. We're both clear that when I go away we can see other people, and we're both really comfortable with that. I'm just glad I'm the one going away, because I think it would be really hard to be the the one 'left behind'! Reply to this

15 years ago, August 20th 2008 No: 12 Msg: #46198 Delete Edit

Kiwilass
Kelly

N Posts: 1

Hi there

I have been in this exact situation. My boyfriend and I were living together and had been together for nearly 2 years, when we both decided we wanted to travel, but by ourselves. When we decided, it was not long after we moved in together and i left about 10 months later. It didnt really get wierd between us, not till right at the end, we just kind of carried on as normal.
I left first, like you said, your glad your the one leaving first, well i was glad to be the one leaving first! I cant imagin what it must of been like for him still at home. My friends told me he went a bit wa wa after i left. But anyway, we both agreed that we would see other people if the oppertunity arose etc, but we didnt tell each other about our encounters with the opposite sex, obviously! But we kept in contact, like best friends would, emailing, speaking on the phone every now and then. So long story short we met back up in London 9 months later and within 3 weeks we were back together and have been ever since, and that is coming a up year since we got back together. In two weeks are going travelling around Uk in our camper, which will be interesting since we have never travelled together before!! ha ha should be fun and we are both really looking forward to it. So the point is, if you and your boyfriend are ment to be then you will find each other again, you just need to spread your wings for a while and you never know what might be round the corner.
In terms of keeping in contact with your man, just do what you feel is right. Try not to set to many boundries, cos then it gets complicated.
Hope this helps, maybe. All the best! Reply to this

14 years ago, September 23rd 2009 No: 13 Msg: #87103 Delete Edit

Uncle Matt
Deborah

B Posts: 24

Great News People.... well I am back from my travels - 7 months away, and I felt that since it was myself that started this particular blog it would be only fair to let you know how it went!!!

Well I spent 5 months in Asia ( laos, Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand) was absolutely amazing and am totally going back again the next chance that I get! Then spent 2 months in Oz.... doesnt sound that long a time away, at the time you are away it seems to fly in and it is an infinite at the same time, and then you come home and its almost like a dream, as though it never happened!!!

So here's the update on having a RELATIONSHIP AND MAINTAINING IT WHILE YOU ARE AWAY - My Question, IS IT POSSIBLE?, how do I ignore all the negative comments and advice etc etc , am I being naieve to think that it will work.........NO!!!!

The day that I moved out of my rented accomodation in Dublin to get ready to head away traveling, I met my next door neighbour, with whom I spoke about me going away and she said that she had been in the same scenario years ago, and was going out with her boyfriend for only a year, and she went travelling for a year, came home and they are now on theoir third child... this gave me hope.... however she then said that the friend she went travelling with met a guy 6 months before she went travelling, and was with him and they are now on kid no.2... now that latter would be quite extraordinary I feel but I guess it just shows that you can do it, if you are both committed!

Now my story.........

Well as I said, I headed off, met lots of realy great people. The first month was kinda hard because I felt that he wasn't making an effort to stay in touch with me, wasn't really texting me, emailing me etc etc and to be honest it upset me, as I felt that he was maybe pulling away because I was gone, or maybe was in a sulk, or maybe even wasn't wanting to interrupt my 'holiday' away by him texting!

It was rare that I would ever have any harsh words for my boyfriend, and so when I wrote an email to him to tell him how I felt I was fairly blunt. I was afriad that I was hurting him by what I said, but I needed him to know that in order for this relationship to work he would have to pull his finger out as much as I was, and make more of an effort! He emailed me back saying that he was a bit shocked by the email, but ultimately he would try harder, and understood how I felt... and he did try harder.
From then on we were both better at contacting each other - not necessarily every day but most days, so that it didn't at least feel as though there was a lot of time between chatting, texting etc.

There were guys when we were away we got chatting to, they were really sound, but to be honest I had no interest, it was nice to get to know people with no hidden agenda from either side, and I made a point of mentioning this sometimes. To be honest it was nice to see that their reaction was the same also.

There was occassions where I would have had guys flirting with me, and I guess when you are away it is nice to get attention , but as long as you know that you have what you want at home, and would you really ruin what you have over the fact that somebody is paying attention to you - you would be shallow, and to be honest do you really value the relationship that you are worried about if that is all it takes for you to keel! It's like smoking (I was a heavy smoker!) .. one puff and its all gone, so as long as you are aware of what the attention you are getting is and do not encourage it, then its healthy and normal to be flattered by it.

To be honest I have to say that there were still, even when I was away, alot of both male and female, saying how are ye coping and how do ye feel, and have you been with any one and do you think that he has been with anyone... and the answer was always the same.... if you know what you have, and you've had that for 5 years why would you let it go?
Why would you jeopardise what you have for something that was nothing! If you met a really hot boy/girl on the beach and thought that he was amazing and sound and you were both so alike.... would you not realise that he could turn out to be a total dick 6 months down the line!!! So why bother when you have that relationship already.... that doesnt make sense ( don't forget if you are together a while you know each others anoying habits and little 'isms, and so if they accept that and so do you and you live in harmony... don;t rock the boat, don't fix it if it ain't broken!

You will meet lovely people and you will have a great time getting to know them, and become good friends. But any guys that I spent time with knew i was going out with my boyfriend, and in fact most were impressed by our relationship and how strong we were.
Do not stop yourself from meeting and chatting to other people, but if you need to, make a point that you are going out with somebody so that you eliminate any potentially embarrassing experiences!

I met my Bo' in the airport, he had a bunch of flowers waitingfor me and I jumped into his arms, so happy to be with him again. To be honest I feel that he understood how much we had taken each other for granted before. I am stronger now than I used to be, and have gained my independance again in our relationship - which is important for a good relationship, and hope that I can keep that and that we progress and grow stronger.

I can't wait for the rest of our future... to be honest if we made it through this... then we can make it through anything!

I wish you all the best of luck and hope that it al works out for you. Anybody that wants to chat to me just send me an email and would be happy to help
XXX Thank you all for the helpful advice before I went away, was grea to be able to chat it out XXX