boating down the amazon with uncle tio, manatis on a uni campus, anacondas and a tarantula massage in the jungle.


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Published: August 23rd 2005
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well its that time again. about a month ago now I tearfully said goodbye to colombia and took a plane to laeticia the southern most tip of colombia where people go to visit the jungle and some take yague from a shaman (a cleansing halucinogenic which apparently never fails to make one uncontrolably poo and urinate the first time you take it, the second time something else bad happens dont remember what and then afterwards its all ok again. though personally i have had no need for a drug to inspire diarrhea having just been in the throes of my eighth bout (god bless my delicate stomach and its attempts to adapt to south america).

laeticia is a nice place and i went there in order to get a boat from tabatinga just the other side of the brazilian border to manaus. the quaint thing about laeticia is that everybody, and thats everybody, drives around on scooters, laeticia also seemed to be a haven for attractive moms, all i needed was to die my hair ginger and call my self the hunter and i could have made a fortune.

i investigated the prices of the boats to manaus and try as i might i wasnt able to wangle working my way there either. so i bought myself a hammock (as is essential if you´re travelling budget on the amazon) and forked out the 120 reales that were due and slung my hammock in the only space i could find, luckily next to a woman who spoke spanish so at least there was someone that i could understand on the boat (they say portuguese is pretty much the same thing maybe thats true if you´ve spoken spanish your whole life but for me it was just a blur) and that woman was to become my first really properly fat friend.

she had been living in brazil 5 years and had now begun to conjugate spanish badly as a result, although when she spoke portuguese she would just change some words and the pronunciation, so she didnt really spoke either of the languages but rather her own personal hybrid.

also met achiles the 100% latin american stereotype who was brazilian but spoke spanish as well, who would just sit behind girls and beleaguer them with unwanted kisses.

the boat trip itself wasnt as i had (rather foolishly) imagined it, i had foreseen a very small boat, more of a barge actually that you might see in stratford upon avon actually, with maybe a maximum of 10 other adventurous souls, with the river being narrow with foliage and vines overhanging the boat and the constant jungle sounds around us. But no, of course the amazon is one of the largest rivers in the world, and i was on a 150 passenger toursit class boat and you werent anywhere near the riverside of the jungle as it was about 100m across. and during this first boat journey i didnt see any pink dolphins.

as you approach manaus the black river (rio negro) and another one meet, but the confluence extends for about a full km without the waters mixing due to the differing densities of the water, and you can clearly see it as well, as the one river is jet black (almost) and the other is a murky brown.

when i arrived at manaus i called a friendly chap that i had been in contact with through hospitalityclub.org. a fabulous invention that allows the traveller to email strangers and ask if they can stay at their house
tarantula on handtarantula on handtarantula on hand

the guides first pacify them buy blowing cigarette smoke into their face. means they dont bite after apparently.
for free. And luckily the guy wasnt a nutter either, on the contrary a well meaning friendly mild mannered chap who was fascinated by frogs. the day after i arrived pedro (the guy with whom i was staying) and a couple half spanish half english went to a cachoeira (waterhole pretty much) about an hour and a bit from manaus, a place where it was apparently very popular to bathe. but the river had a stong mineral content that turned it blood red, which made it look as if it was taken straight out of genesis and next to come were the locusts. after a relatively short bathe in the sea of blood we went for a walk in the adjacent forest and here pedros frog spotting skills really came into play. we would be walking along the trail and suddenly he would say "theres a frog " where "six metres in front of you amongst some fallen leaves" and lo and behold when we approached it there would be the smallest possible frog you could imagine, that was perfectly camouflaged against its background, and no frog that was spotted by this guy was bigger than 2 inches and at no point did he spot from a distance of less than 5 meters. incredible.

the next day we went to see his institute where he studies biology which is pretty much a wildlife park. there are capibaras running all over the place (they even have their own "warning capibaras" street sign dedicated to them). they have macaws that have broken into the roof of one of the departments and made a roost their, there are monkeys swinging from trees, alligators in their own little sanctuary loads of tortoises in their own lake, electric eels and giant manatees in two giant viewing chambers in the centre of campus. truly awesome.

soon afterwards it was time to get another boat this time to porto velho. and on this boat i was to meet the charming uncle tio born and raised in porto velho and only spoke portuguese though we somehow managed to communicate at times.

he would repeatedly wax lyrical over the benefits of doing biiif. as he shouted whilst rocking back and forth and throttling the hammock. finishing of the show by slapping his unclenched fist into the other hands open palm. thus whenever i spoke to a female be it to ask what the lunch was or where they were going, irrespective of age creed or colour there would be uncle tio behind her beating his fit into his palm and mouthing 'biiiif'. strange man, a stange man who though t it would be very funny that on the last night if he got up at about 3 am got some sugar on his finger and then put it in my mouth, i woke up with a jolt thinking for a second why am i awake there is no reason for me to have woken and then tasting the bitterly sweet taste of sugar granules disolving in my mouth and seeing the empty still swinging hammock of uncle tio at my side and thinking what a very very strange prick of a man.

i also met two travelling businessman from colombia and peru (both sell copied cds from a holdall) who shall be winging their way to the united kingdom at some point or so they tell me, as stowaways on a boat, so keep your eyes pealed for two people who speak english with such a heavy hispanic accent they may as well be speaking spanish.

as soon as i got to porto velho i made my way to the bolivian border, and hurriedly tried to get my exit stamp from the brazilian embassy. the brazilian embassy in guayarim is open twenty four hours but also has its door locked 24 7 so you have to knock to get someone to open it, when i got to the embassy there were two people in the reception waiting, i knock on the door, its cold outside and windy, the guard comes to the door and asks me what i need i say an exit stamp (towns in brazil that are literally on the border of brazil are able to speak spanish, but 2kms away and its all gone) and the guard says i have to wait indicating the cold concrete step outside instead of the warm couch inside that could easily have fitted 5 people more. why cant i come inside i say, theres a limit on the number of people allowed in the reception he tells me, but there´s only two people, yeah we cant allow anyone else in, but why have you got a couch that fits 5 or 6 people. thats in
mierda que fuerza tengo yo.mierda que fuerza tengo yo.mierda que fuerza tengo yo.

or "fuck me I´m hard". as our second guide from the pampas used to say having kicked a rotten tree stump over. pure man he was. ladies get yourself to the bolivian jungle.
case there are more people. why cant i go in? theres a limit. and his voice was edgy so against my best judgement i accepted the decision of the strange guard man, who was wither really strange or covering up what the other two were doing in there.

got the exit stamp eventually and made my way to the other side, i stayed a day then went to rurrenabaque which is one of the cheapest if not the cheapest place to go to get a trip to the jungle and the pampas (neo tropical savanah or pampas).

first of all went to the jungle and saw realatively little in the way of animals as it was only a tour of 5 days, and you need to do tours of 10 15 up to 25 days to see animals like pumas jaguars, giant anteaters 7m caimans and 15m anacondas (or so says ronaldo our guide). though the plant life of the jungle is worth it.

rurrenabaque is a quaint little town. Inundated with israeli tourists as all of them have read the story about an israeli guy that went to the jungle in rurrenabaque a little over 10
spider that my hand createdspider that my hand createdspider that my hand created

on the face of ronaldo the bold.
years ago, he was on a boat with 5 others and somehow the amazon got involved in some rapids the raft was destroyed and the group was separated. the guide was sound having lived in the jungle from age dot he just swam to the shore and went right im off home. the others werent so lucky. though eventually the one israeli guy survived to tell the tale and write the book.

ronaldo our guide was to put it mildly a little full of shit, telling us stories of how he had been to the jungle with a german couple hed walked up to the ridge and saw a 10 metre anaconda duelling with a 8 metre reticulated python (there arent any reticulated pythons where we were). Our first walk in the jungle he started doing "monkey calls" in inverted commas because my israeli friend and i were both like oh which bird is that and he said no, it is a monkey. weird monkey we thought and when we were a little further in we came face to obscured-by-foliage treetop with the aforementioned which, lo and behold, made sounds like monkey. I believe he thought that as he
a real spider. the similarity is quite striking, wouldnt you agree.a real spider. the similarity is quite striking, wouldnt you agree.a real spider. the similarity is quite striking, wouldnt you agree.

as deadly as the tarantula apparently. but the tarantula isnt deadly.
was indigenous he had the authority to make whichever sound he liked and recant whichever story he liked and it shall be authentic. later he made other calls, macaw, anteater and wild pigs that verged on "here piggy piggy." He was also very fond of his machete, needlessly, and I mean needlessly, slashing at plantlife to "clear the way" but what he slashed at was simply not in our way. just wanted to feel manly i guess. We saw macaws on the first day, and the aforementioned bird imitating monkeys. but more interesting was the fauna, "la Pachua" (no idea in english) that has roots that bear more than a passing resemblance to the "member" if you follow. we also saw "la sucuba" that produces milk used by indigenous women to supplement breast feeding as they are malnourished (says ronaldo) "sangre de grado" (that may well be wrong) the most deadly tree of the amazon the sap or resin of which is used to poison tip arrows for hunting by indigenous communities.

second day we went tarantula hunting. There are lots but all babies in comparison to the face engulfing adults. and we did the inevitable tarantula massage on arm and face. only bad thing was that the tarantulas legs pinch quite a lot so you have to close your eyes but still to have one tread and thus pinch your eyelid isnt great. we continued on our trek into the jungle seeing jaguar faeces along the way (always jaguar or puma said ronaldo, only the most fearsome of animals would dare to poo in the jungle trail of man) We ate some termites, which tasted like bbq crisps and found a vine from which you can drink water as if it were a fountain, you just have to cut it one side and then quickly at another point leaving 2 metres in between (for in cutting it the vine begins to "suck up" all its moisture to its higher parts). we also did a night walk, and managed to see jack shit.

3rd day we saw the fabled wild boars of the jungle, as you approach them they start clashing their teeth together and grunting to warn you off, we approached with caution as apparently they are quite dangerous. they generally hand around in mud baths in the jungle and do very little else. later we were
life saving water. courtesy of naturelife saving water. courtesy of naturelife saving water. courtesy of nature

the cook, ronaldo the fearless and an israeli girl who was ronaldos "helping hand". one thing i havent mentioned, in fact two. rurrenabaque is a hot bed of affairs and deception. most guides are married, have girlfriends and take israeli girls to the rainforest for steamy affairs. second thing the cook was an intensely camp man (as one might see in his attire) and kept on serenading me.
told by the cook how he had narrowly escaped being torn to pieces by wild pigs when he was walking through the jungle and a herd of 150 "rushed him" he clambered up a tree, (the only thing you can reallistically do in this situation) and waited 1 and half hours as they circulated round the tree and he was only able to see a sea of furry pigs backs, eventually he managed to disperse them using the only technique that works, he urinated on them and around the tree, and apparently that gets them to go away (again fairly sure this story is not true but the peeing thing might work as the pigs (id assume) would think "this guys just sick" and head off). We saw two types of ants too, 24 hour ants so called as when they bite you your armpits swell up as if you had the bubonic plague it hurts like hell but it all passes in 24 hours. and also fire ants so called as when they bite you it feels like someones is holding a lit match to your skin, i was bitten by one and promptly shat myself as i forgot what the guide had said about them but as is obvious nothing bad happened but it does feel like fire. at night we went fishing (come on guys this lake is full of big fish from the pirahna family we´ll have no problem catching them says ronaldo) after 2 or 3 hours of nothing we went back (though we did see a caiman there). One notable of fishing in the jungle is that as there is no artificial light and for the first time i think ever i could see every single constellation that there was and there were shooting stars every couple of minutes, I only wished that id had my "i-spy" constellations book from childhood as i could have scored about 1000 points and sent it off to the michelin man (or whoever it was) and receive a prize or something (I assume you got a prize or else it seemed pointless.. anyone else actually have these same books?)

day four we literally didnt see anything, save a giant butterfly and more fearsome wild cat poo. we started doing artisanish things too. by this time my ankle had swollen to near elephantitis proportions as it seems to
i dont remember the name of this onei dont remember the name of this onei dont remember the name of this one

ronaldo the burly told us that this creature lives in fresh water and crawls in side crevices of animals even humans such as the vagina or the meatus (hueco del pene) then sucks loads of blood until it gets very fat and explodes. we were nowhere near water when we saw it but apparently it was making its way to another site, about 3 or 4km away. bear in mind its a worm. hmm.
be doing habitually if i walk for any great length of time in south america. but luckily on hand was ronaldo who, with his truly outstanding autocthonous knowledge of the rainforest, was able to provide me with an extract of a plant that would take away the swelling and cure it within the day, and lo and behold, no it didnt. sometimes it doesnt work says ronaldo.

after the jungle tour i did a tour of the pampas of bolivia which is so very much better for animals. you see crocodiles, caimans, alligators, capibaras, squirrel monkeys (chichilos), howler monkeys (gavilus), paradise birds, anacondas (small ones), and you can go pirhana fishing, and if you really want you can pester your guide until he promises to catch a crocodile for you, though it now tends to be the israelis that insist on this since an incident a few years back when again some israelis had insisted on it, but the guide hadnt fastened the crocodiles mouth shut properly and whilst pointing a bit too close at its teeth he lost two fingers and called for help from the israeli group who first all took photos of the incident and then
the crewthe crewthe crew

cook the camp, ronaldo the inquisitive (in this photo), myself and eyal from israel my jungle buddy.
helped (which pissed the poor chap off a little bit), from then on the tourist agencies said they would not offer medical insurance for those that did this and so it is rarely done anymore (so the story goes but there is so much bull that emerges from thej mouth of a jungle guide it is difficult to say what is true and what isnt). anyway i'll just put pictures of the pampas up as it would just be too painful for both myself and the remaining reader/s to go through all that.

meanwhile im in cochabamba having bought a charango (little guitar type instrument) and am learning to play have been in la paz and bought loads of stuf and sent it back to england. and am now of to the animal sanctuary in the jungle to work with pumas, at least i hope so as have since found out that it is an animal sanctuary and not a puma sanctuary so if im just looking after poor little fellas like capibarras, i will walk out in a rolf harrisesque shame and do something else.



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24th August 2005

What a brave soul you are. Makes my trip to northern cyprus look very tame. Can't wait to read the book - palinesque style of course. Try to avoid flying if you can. Few dodgy planes out there. Back at school myself getting ready for the day job. Carry on exploring! God bless.

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